JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

Mom Died

2011-01-18T15:43:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time since I posted. But I know that some of you still follow, so I wanted to let you know that Mom passed away on January 4. I was there. I am heartbroken and grieving.

Good News!

2010-05-23T08:43:00.001-07:00

I got a job as a Visiting Assistant Professor in my field at a top liberal arts college not too far away. My new partner is going to make the move with me. Things are going VERY well! My surgery is on Wednesday, and I'm pretty scared about it. It won't be a fun process, but I am very grateful to have all of these good things in my life -- including a very good friend who will come into town just to take care of me! Thank god because I would never manage it on my own, and my biological family won't help me at all. I do miss my mom though very, very much.

When a Girl Needs Her Mom

2010-03-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

So apparently I need surgery. I've been having pretty bad pain for the last couple of months, especially during my period. After a pelvic ultrasound, which is a little traumatic for a survivor, it appears that I have 2 cysts and 2 fibroids, each about 4cm. I also have endometriosis all over my pelvic area. I got referred to a gyn surgeon who wants to do laproscopic surgery who said that it will take between 2-5 hours depending upon what she finds. Recovery is a week or two, and for the 1st week, I'll need someone around to take care of me.

My sister said that she won't do it. I'm so hurt. I didn't ask my dad, but he didn't offer either. I had been talking about it with 2 friends and offered to pay their ticket, neither of whom are working right now, but I'm not sure if they'll do it. I'm feeling really freaked out right now. I feel vulnerable, alone, and I miss my mom. I need my mom to come take care of me, and she can't.

I've been going to this ridiculously expensive acupuncturist who apparently can cure cancer. He's got me on this disgusting "tea" and coming in twice a week, even though his office hours conflict with work. He told me that I need to lose some weight and that stress and trauma are having a big effect on things.

I want to confront my sister, but I don't know how to do it without being mean and starting a fight. I want to have someone in my life to take care of me. I have been seeing this really fabulous person, who has offered, but it is SO early in the relationship, it just doesn't seem appropriate. I don't want him to be my everything and to be so dependent on him. I want to have people in my life who I can lean on in times like this, and it sucks to think that maybe I just don't have that.

I'm having a hard time concentrating on work. I just want to cry and sleep and crawl up in bed snuggling with my dog. Yeah, I guess I'm depressed. I'm a little nervous that this could be ovarian cancer (which my grandmother died of) or that I'll be infertile (even though I prefer to adopt, don't know what this new guy wants, and afraid I'll lose him if I can't give him kids). I'm just scared, vulnerable, and trying to make it through.

On a side note, I'm really sick of the 90 spam attempts on my blog. Seriously, everything has to be approved, so stop trying to advertise on my blog.

Rape Victim's Choice: Risk AIDS or Health Insurance? Women Who Are Attacked Can Get Tangled in the Insurance System

2009-10-24T12:32:00.000-07:00

By Danielle Ivory
Huffington Post Investigative Fund

1:38 pm | 21 Oct 2009

Christina Turner feared that she might have been sexually assaulted after two men slipped her a knockout drug. She thought she was taking proper precautions when her doctor prescribed a month’s worth of anti-AIDS medicine.

Only later did she learn that she had made herself all but uninsurable.

Turner had let the men buy her drinks at a bar in Fort Lauderdale. The next thing she knew, she said, she was lying on a roadside with cuts and bruises that indicated she had been raped. She never developed an HIV infection. But months later, when she lost her health insurance and sought new coverage, she ran into a problem.

Turner, 45, who used to be a health insurance underwriter herself, said the insurance companies examined her health records. Even after she explained the assault, the insurers would not sell her a policy because the HIV medication raised too many health questions. They told her they might reconsider in three or more years if she could prove that she was still AIDS-free.

Stories of how victims of sexual assault can get tangled in the health insurance system have been one result of the Huffington Post Investigative Fund’s citizen journalism project, which is calling on readers to provide information and anecdotes about the inner workings of the insurance industry. The project aims to uncover details and data that can inform the larger debate over how to fix the nation’s health care system. As the Investigative Fund reported in September, health insurance companies are not required to make public their records on how often claims are denied and for what reasons.

Some women have contacted the Investigative Fund to say they were deemed ineligible for health insurance because they had a pre-existing condition as a result of a rape, such as post traumatic stress disorder or a sexually transmitted disease. Other patients and therapists wrote in with allegations that insurers are routinely denying long-term mental health care to women who have been sexually assaulted.

Susan Pisano, spokeswoman for the health insurance industry’s largest trade group, America’s Health Insurance Plans, said insurers do not discriminate against victims of sexual assault and ordinarily would not even know if a patient had been raped.

"These issues you are bringing up, they deserve to be brought up,” said Pisano. "People who have experienced rape and sexual assault are victims and we want them to be in a system where everyone is covered."

Turner’s story about HIV drugs is not unusual, said Cindy Holtzman, an insurance agent and expert in medical billing at Medical Refund Service, Inc. of Marietta, Ga. Insurers generally categorize HIV-positive people as having a pre-existing condition and deny them coverage. Holtzman said that health insurance companies also consistently decline coverage for anyone who has taken anti-HIV drugs, even if they test negative for the virus. “It’s basically an automatic no,” she said.

Pisano, of the insurance trade group, said: “If you put down on a form that you are or were taking anti-HIV drugs at any time, they [the insurance companies] are going to understand that you are or were in treatment for HIV, period. That could be a factor in determining whether you get coverage."

Some doctors and nurses said that the industry’s policy is not medically sound. “The chance of a rape victim actually contracting AIDS is very low. It doesn’t make any sense to use that as a calculus for determining who get health insurance,” said Dr. Alex Schafir, faculty instructor at Providence St. Vincent Hospital in Portland, Ore.

Nurses who deal with sexual assault cases say the industry’s policy creates a significant problem for those treating women who have been assaulted. “It’s difficult enough to make sure that rape victims take the drugs,” said Diana Faugno, a forensic nurse in California and board director of End Violence Against Women International. “What are we supposed to tell women now? Well, I guess you have a choice – you can risk your health insurance or you can risk AIDS. Go ahead and choose.”

Turner, now a life and casualty insurance agent, said she went without health coverage for three years after the attack. She second-guesses her decision to take the HIV drugs. “I’m going to be penalized my whole life because of this,” she said.

Several women told the Investigative Fund that after being sexually assaulted they had been denied care or ruled ineligible for health insurance because of what were deemed pre-existing conditions stemming from their assaults -- particularly post traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.

A 38-year-old woman in Ithaca, N.Y., said she was raped last year and then penalized by insurers because in giving her medical history she mentioned an assault she suffered in college 17 years earlier. The woman, Kimberly Fallon, told a nurse about the previous attack and months later, her doctor’s office sent her a bill for treatment. She said she was informed by a nurse and, later, the hospital’s billing department that her health insurance company, Blue Cross Blue Shield, not only had declined payment for the rape exam, but also would not pay for therapy or medication for trauma because she “had been raped before.”

Fallon says she now has trouble getting coverage for gynecological exams. To avoid the hassle of fighting with her insurance company, she goes to Planned Parenthood instead and pays out of pocket.

A New Mexico woman told the Investigative Fund she was denied coverage at several health insurance companies because she had suffered from PTSD after being attacked and raped in 2003. She did not want to disclose her name because she feared that she would lose her group health insurance if she went on the record as a rape victim. “I remember just feeling infuriated,” she said.

“I think it’s important to point out that health plans are not denying coverage based on the fact that someone was raped,” said Pisano of the insurance trade group. “But PTSD could be a factor in denied coverage.”

“That might not be a discriminatory action, but it certainly would seem to have a discriminatory impact,” said Sandra Park, staff attorney at the Women’s Rights Project at the American Civil Liberties Union. “Insurance discrimination against rape victims will only further discourage them from coming forward to law enforcement and seeking medical help.”

Even when patients have coverage, there are fundamental disagreements between insurance companies and doctors about what mental health treatment is medically necessary. The Investigative Fund spoke with doctors, psychologists, and licensed clinical social workers around the country who work regularly with victims of sexual assault. They said that their patients have been experiencing an increase in delays and denials, particularly for talk therapy.

“There’s a lot of anger about this in the medical community,” said Dr. George Shapiro-Weiss, a psychiatrist in Middletown, Conn. “You don’t realize what an Alice in Wonderland web this has become.”

“A lot of my patients are being told that their treatment isn’t medically necessary,” said Keri Nola, an Orlando, Fla., psychologist, who said about 75 percent of her patients are victims of sexual violence.

Several therapists cited problems with managed care companies that specialize in mental health. Such firms generally work under contract with health insurers to hold down costs while still authorizing appropriate care.

To watch a video about a rape victim’s efforts to obtain mental health services, click below.

Some therapists and patients said the managed care companies have cut off necessary treatment for sexual assault victims in the name of cost containment. “The companies are peppering them with questions about their symptoms, and about their histories, and asking, ‘Well, are you sure you really need therapy?’” said Jeffrey Axelbank, a New Jersey psychologist. “For someone who has been traumatized, it can feel like another trauma, and it makes the therapy less effective.”

Pisano, of the insurance association, said it was not fair to draw a larger pattern from such anecdotal evidence. “These situations are evaluated on a person-by-person basis,” she said. “There is nothing routine about this.”

Jim Wrich, a Madison, Wis., a consultant who helps employers evaluate the companies that manage their mental health care, said his work has made him wary of the industry. “This is absolutely routine – these denials,” Wrich said. “The default position is to reject care.”

Magellan Behavioral Health Services, Inc., one of the nation’s largest managed-care companies with more than 58 million customers, said that it does not routinely turn down treatment requests from victims of sexual assault or other clients. “We’re not denying care. We are exercising our responsibility to make sure that medical necessity is met,” said Dr. Lawrence Nardozzi, Magellan’s medical director. “I think the process works well.”

Asked if cost is a factor in the company’s decisions, Magellan spokeswoman Erin Somers said: “If all the safeguards are in place to determine whether treatment is medically necessary and appropriate” then “the cost takes care of itself.”

A former care manager for Magellan said in an interview that she felt pressure to deny care for cost reasons. Lois Gorwitz, a psychologist with thirty years of experience who went to work for Magellan in California in 2000, said her superiors would tell her: “We are not denying this person treatment, we are denying them their benefit. If they want the treatment they can still pay out of pocket.” But, Gorwitz said, “You know that means that the person is not going to get the treatment because they can’t afford to pay out of pocket.”

Gorwitz quit after two years. “It’s a very uncomfortable feeling of not being able to offer help,” she said.

Asked for a response, Magellan’s Somers said, “I think you should keep in mind that there have been a lot of changes at Magellan in the last seven years. I think the people who work at Magellan now are not having that experience.”

Moving is a Nightmare

2009-09-14T16:12:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of a nightmare. I drove across the country with a good friend who is a very good sport. It cost more than I expected to ship stuff, I didn't finish packing in time, and I stuffed the car to the brim and there was more left over. The second day, my dog got altitude sickness and then had a panic attack in the hotel room. Two days later, I saw my mom and family in Kansas City. Then next day, I saw a good friend in Indianapolis.

The whole trip took a week. I was exhausted when we got here, and so was my friend. I only had the rental car for a couple of days, so I tried to make the most of it. But, the short version is that I've been living without furniture, living out of boxes. The place here isn't safe and my dog is showing signs of extreme stress. Now, I'm showing signs of stress, :P.

I am trying to get out of my lease here and move into a new place, and the whole thing is a mess. Landlord WAS understanding, and then sent me a late night freak out email. The new place was a done deal, and now they may not take the dog. I'm completely and totally exhausted and about at my wits end. I feel very alone right now and scared.

Looking for a Place to Live

2009-07-25T16:53:00.000-07:00

I'm looking for a place to live this weekend in Boston, and my stress level is WAAY up there. It is a bit of a roller coaster, honestly. I see a place, fall in love, and then someone else talks me through all of the problems with the place. I think that I found the place I want to live -- it is in the Jamaica Plain neighborhood, which is very diverse, relatively affordable, super easy to get to work, where many of my local friends live, feels like an urban neighborhood. I really like it here.

The place I found is 2 bedrooms - although the second bedroom is ridiculously small. There is plenty of space though to turn it into an office or a spare bedroom. I would have my own pretty nice washer and drier - although its in the basement. There's an off street parking spot. Everything is recently renovated and really nice -- that's pretty rare in the neighborhood. Oh, and it has a security system that I could choose whether or not to pay for -- but that would help with safety issues. There are places to go out and eat or have a drink and a gym around the corner.

But because of that, the price for the apartment is pretty high. Prices in this town are high altogether -- no matter where or for what. So I've been looking at possibly having a roommate too. But I prefer not to have one. I prefer to live on my own.

But I'm starting to freak out about paying so much money. I hate making these kinds of decisions on my own.

Its been a stressful week and time is just flying by. Its already 8pm, and I'm exhausted. I'm tempted to go back to that neighborhood and check it out more, but part of me wants to just take the place I like, stop worrying about it, and move on.

I feel like this decision raises a common issue for me -- which is spending money on myself. My father has trained me to spend as little on my self as possible. I've even been tempted today to call him and try to like get his permission to spend so much money. I'm a grown woman though and I don't need my father's permission. I need to give myself permission!

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2009-06-20T23:04:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I've blogged, and I really appreciate those of you who continue to check back with me despite my hiatus from writing. I've been really exhausted. But, good things have been happening. I successfully defended my dissertation and graduated with my PhD. I've just received a job offer as a postdoc at a university on the East Coast.

I'm about to start teaching a summer course and figuring out the details of moving across the country. I'm feeling happy, but overwhelmed. I'm nervous about all that I have to do, not being able to take a vacation, not being able to make it to Israel for my friend's wedding, and starting my life in a new place.

I look ahead into the future, and I see things opening up for me. Everything I've been working for is right there.

But, things are horrible with Dad. And I have no idea about Mom's condition other than Dad continues to try to euthanize her with Oxycontin and Oxyfast.

There is a lot for me to do, but things are going really well. And I'm surrounded by really amazing friends. I'm a lucky girl.

Back Again From Esalen

2009-05-02T19:07:00.000-07:00

I went again to Esalen this past week for a 5 day grief workshop. It was a bit of a roller coaster, but mostly very relaxing, re-energizing, and healing. I actually skipped out of the workshop after the first day, when I felt like the space wasn't right for me. But, I knew exactly what I needed and gave it to myself. Big Sur is one of the most beautiful places on earth, so that doesn't hurt. Nor does the amazing hot springs baths and the super healthy food with plenty of wheat-free options including a daily baked wheatless rye sour dough bread.

Today, I woke up feeling fabulous. I went to the gym to work out and then came home to do laundry, unpack, catch up on email, etc. I did stop in the middle to meditate, but I'm starting to feel --- well how to describe it -- it is just hard to transition back to my life here. I've been noticing that I often have a feeling of anxiety in my chest. I can feel it in my heartbeat - this tension. I've been noticing that for a long time. And I feel it now.

But I think that the depression is broken. At least, I haven't felt depressed for days or weeks. I can't even remember.

I had a mad affair with this man 15 years older than I am, who is a commitment phobe, lives 100+ miles away, and in many ways is just all wrong for me. It was a passionate, life affirming affair and an intense connection between us. But, it made me realize that I consistently fall for the "wrong" people -- people who are unattainable, who clearly aren't going to give me what I need -- and that is what makes it feel safe. I've known my pattern for a long time, but I can't seem to stop it. I guess maybe that I can recognize my pattern sooner is a good thing. I think this affair just made me realize JUST how much I want to have a life partner. I realize that I'm clearly not ready and that my life is a bit of a mess, but I want someone to cook meals with, to watch a movie on a saturday night with, to talk about my day. I want someone to share my life with. Thank god for my friends. I'm trying to surround myself with warm friends to ground myself. I know that I have to lose my attachment to finding someone and work on continuing to better myself and my life. I know that I have to continue my process of grief and cutting my father out of my life so that I can finally heal.

I hope that in the future that I continue to give myself vacation time. I would love to have full weekend days that don't involve work at all -- a day once a week just to be. Having 5 days to just "be" was such a blessing, and I'm very grateful for that time. I also loved being in a space where generally, people are just completely open and real. There's no bothering with chit chat; people just say what's on their minds and talk about the deep issues they're dealing with. I wonder what it would take to feel like I felt there all the time -- connected, real, content, and grounded.

I have an idea to perhaps, if I don't get a job in my field, to open the Holistic Center for Healing from Sexual Violence. I thought before about a Jewish center, but now I think maybe just a holistic center that would have spiritual aspects to it - but not connected to any one tradition.

I wish to all of my readers that you are able to find a space I experienced for yourself. I think that when we commit to healing ourselves and stay grounded in that intention, that things can really shift - especially when in spaces which support that and when coming up with rituals to faciliate the healing.

When Are Anti-Depressants Necessary?

2009-03-30T15:36:00.000-07:00

I am still debating whether or not to go on an anti-depressant. Some days are better than others, and while I feel less depressed than I did a month ago, its still here. I don't know what is depression really though and what is just grief. If what I'm feeling is just grief, then is it appropriate to go on an anti-depressant? I'm going to discuss this stuff with my therapist Wednesday. And I'm going to keep working out a lot, taking herbal anti-depressants, and taking the meditation class.

What Makes Me Smile

2009-03-14T14:28:00.000-07:00

April suggested, in a comment to my last post, that I think about things that make me smile to help me battle the depression that's been setting in as a consequence of feeling hopeless about how my father is handling the care (or lack there of) of my mother.

I had her question in my head last night when I started to feel the depression wave come in. So I first went to work out, but then I realized that I had forgotten socks in my gym bag (and I was wearing flip flops) so I had to skip that. I went home and ate a whole box of mac and cheese. Then, I decided to take myself on a shopping spree. When I went into the Aveda store, I was offered a chakra balancing and neck massage. It was just what I needed. Even though that was a pretty expensive depression treatment, it made me realize that there are things that I can do to shift things.

So here's my list.

Things That Make Me Smile

massages
watching my dog play with other dogs
yoga
hanging out with friends (sometimes)
seeing an old friend
talking to my niece and nephew
sex*
flowers
a really good meal
cookies
Danny Kaye movies
seeing students learn
acupuncture
watching the sunset
brunch with friends
working out at my gym with the trainers who have become like friends
sushi
the coffee shop around the corner from my place
people telling me they appreciate me
getting a pedicure with Jennifer

Ah, I need to be in a relationship!!!

Depression is Setting In

2009-03-08T13:44:00.000-07:00

Since the crisis that happened about a month ago when my father announced once again that he intends to euthanize Mom, I have gone through a range of emotions - anger, fear, sadness, hopelessness. Through this process, a deep depression is setting in. I either cry or feel numb. I'm having problems concentrating. I feel disconnected from my friends and have a hard time being present. I'm never hungry, but I tend to overeat.

My therapist said that maybe I should consider going on an anti-depressant. I have ordered some more natural stuff online and am waiting for it to arrive in the next few days. I figure that I'll try that, and if it does not work, then I'll make an appointment with the Psychiatrist at school (whom I sometimes refer to as my pusher). I may need to go ahead and make the appointment soon since she tends to book up and have a waiting time of up to a month.

I'm trying to keep up with working out 5 times a week, making myself connect to other people and do things with others, keep plugging along with work, seeing my therapist and the counselor from Hospice, and caffeinating myself to the point of being jittery just to be able to focus. I know can feel the depression setting in, and I don't like it. I wish that there was a way out of it other than medication.

Dating is Painful

2009-03-01T09:47:00.000-08:00

Last night I went out with the perfect on paper match.com guy again - as friends. After I bought very expensive theater tickets he told me that he had started dating someone, but that he'll still come. Augh! I hate dating.

So we went for this very awkward and uncomfortable dinner, and then saw the show - for which we were late because he insisted on ordering dessert even though we didn't appear to have time and I had told him I wasn't interested because I had been that afternoon for a cupcake tasting (for my friends' wedding --- it was fabulous!).

And, I'm just frustrated. I actually joined match.com to meet this guy, and he's the only one on there locally that seems interesting to me. He doesn't really seem that interested in developing a friendship because he's leaving town soon and has a lot going on in his life. He didn't seem totally present at dinner. And maybe its all for the best. Maybe this is the universe sending me a sign that I should stop looking for someone perfect on paper and look instead for someone who has qualities that don't show up in those websites -- someone warm, compassionate, good communicator, who shares my values? I don't know. All I know is that I'm exhausted.

Missouri Adult Abuse Hotline Rocks; Kansas Adult Protective Services Rude & Unhelpful

2009-02-18T21:30:00.001-08:00

I got a call from the Missouri Adult Abuse Hotline. They cited deficiencies to the new hospice organization, Odessy. They've instructed them that they have to make decisions now based on medical evidence, and that they have to be documenting the reasons for their decisions -- if my mom is in pain, they have to document the signs of that pain. If they want to give her more pain medication, they have to relate to that documentation of her being in pain. The woman there was very supportive and helpful.

Shortly thereafter I got a call from Kansas Adult Protective Services. The woman there was rude and completley unhelpful.

Its a very frustrating and nerve renshing time. Mom had a 3 minute seizure yesterday, which is very long for what she had been experiencing. (They used to be about 15 seconds.) I'm not sure what's happening regarding her care.

Compassionate Communication (NVC)

2009-02-18T13:46:00.000-08:00

I've been taking a class on this method of communication and below am practicing it.

What happened:
I called Tonia back and told her about getting bad student midquarter reviews. She went off on how bad of a teacher I am. I told her that I didn't want to be criticized, especially at such a late hour. She told me that giving advice is what she does. I told her that's not what I'm needing. She told me that's all she can offer. Then she started giving me more "advice" on how bad my teaching is this quarter. I told her that this wasn't helping me. The phone was disconnected. Then, she did some work on statistical data analysis to help me, but she wouldn't listen to what the problems were. So her work was not helpful to me. The family crisis then happened, and I decided that I didn't want "advice" but to be supported, so I didn't call Tonia. She called J and had her push me to call Tonia asap because Tonia NEEDED to hear what the progress was with the statistics. I called Tonia and told her that I am in crisis with my family, don't want advice, and there hasn't been any progress on the stats. She thanked me for calling because she had already (it had only been about half a week) deleted my number from her phone. I ended the conversation quickly after she confirmed that she wouldn't be able to support me, only give me advice.

NVC:
When I am given "advice", I feel hurt, alienated and discouraged because of my need to feel heard and supported. Are you willing to talk about what its like for me when you give me "advice?"

What happened?
Dad told me that he wants to euthenize Mom, and then without telling me switched her medications and hospice.

NVC: When I don't know that Mom is recieving the best possible care and how she's doing, I feel anxious, frightened, and hurt because of my need to know that my mom is safe and secure.

Family Drama Erupts: Reporting Dad to the Authorites

2009-02-12T19:40:00.000-08:00

Well well, the shit has hit the fan again. Dad called me again on Sunday and acted like everything was normal. Then, Monday morning I get a call from my sister. Apparently, Dad has taken Mom off the hospice service and started with some new company that perhaps is a hospice. She no longer gets music therapy, and there was some mess about the old hospice taking back the bed and wheel chair before the new hospice had brought theirs.

Dad moved Mom to this new hospice because they agreed to take her off Ativan (which she takes to limit seizure activity), to increase her dosage of Oxycontin, and to add Oxyfast. She had been getting Ativan 4 times a day, and now she's down to 3. They're doing that INSTEAD of just reducing the amount of Ativan she gets in each dose.

Dad had planned this already last week but had lied to me when talking to me about it. He's trying to Euthenize her and now he's found someone to help him. My therapist said that if I didn't call to report him that she would -- because she's a mandated reporter.

I called the old hospice social worker to get suggestions on what to do. She suggested that I call the new hospice and speak to Mom's social worker there. Then, she said that I should call the Long Term Care Ombudsman because he'll be able to act faster than if I call the Elder Abuse hotline.

I called the new company, and they told me that they'd page the social worker and call have her call me back. Twenty minutes later, I got a call from my father. He told me that the company has been instructed that if ANYONE other than him calls to ask about Mom, they're to phone him and not to say ANYTHING about Mom's situation.

Dad told me that he didn't tell me because I had disagreed with him and that he's not interested in my opinion because what happens with Mom is up to him. I told him that I only phoned the company to find out what's happening with my mother because he doesn't tell me. He went through some basics of what was happening, and we got off the phone. I was having a hard time keeping my calm with him, as was he with me. We decided better to not talk than to argue.

I phoned the Ombudsman who said the he remembered me from my previous complaint that Mom wasn't getting enough private hours of care and that since he had one of her caregiver's (the best of the lot actually) lack of lisensure that everything should be settled. With the current issue, he suggested that I call the Elder Abuse hotline but said that he couldn't help me. I felt hurt that after my risk of trying to help my mom, he had actually made things worse and almost felt proud about it. And, he was completely blowing me off and not showing any concern for my mother.

I then phoned the Kansas Elder Abuse hotline. They told me that since the new company is based out of Missouri that I have to call the Missouri hotline and should also call Kansas Adult Protective Services. This of course, only after I got to the end of making the report and going through the whole story. He said that what my father and this new company are doing is very serious.

So next I called the Missouri hotline and then Adult Protective Services. Each call took what felt like a half an hour. No one told me what was going to happen other than Adult Protective Services who said that it was unlikely, but possible, that I would be supeanoed if my father is arrested.

I haven't mentioned anything to my sister about what I've done because I fear that it'll get back to my dad. I'm really afraid of what is going to happen but feel very good about doing everything in my power to take care of Mom. I'm especially nervous about my father's state of mind (that Mom should die as soon as possible) without any care about what this is like for her. Its all about him and not at all about Mom not to mention any care about what its like for my sister or me. I can't believe that he's going against all medical advice and that this company would go along with him.

My father has been verbally and emotionally abusive to everyone in my family for as long as I can remember. When this is all over, I want him out of my life. Its because of my father that I am afraid to love and am waiting for anyone that I'm in a relationship with to hurt me. Its because of my relationship with him that I come to want to get people out of my life anytime they hurt -- I really want to get my father out of my life but can't. Its because of him that I have no boundaries and have low self-esteem. He has pitted every member of my family against each other. He's tried to sabotage me over and again. He's a monster or a saint -- Jeckle or Hyde. And I always open up to him again because he's my father and I want us to have a good relationship. But, this is the last straw.

I spoke today with my mom's cousin who may have just talked me into challenging him legally if he successfully takes my mother's parents' money illegally that my grandmother very carefully worked to make sure would not get into his hands.

And I won't feel guilty about any of it. I hope to be able to move on with my life - to be able to excise his abusive energy out of my life forever. And more than anything, I just hope that he doesn't make things too horrific for my mother.

Family Drama and a First Date

2009-02-07T22:23:00.000-08:00

Dad called me up two nights ago to again tell me that he wants to take Mom off of Ativan because he thinks when she has seizures that she declines more quickly. Its so frustrating; all medicine tells us that she has seizures when she's declining quickly but the seizures are a result of the decline, not a cause. Its frustrating. He doesn't like the hospice that Mom is on because he thinks that she's declining not as quickly on hospice.

I went on a first date -- or predate -- I don't know. I met a guy on match.com who is perfect for me on paper: he's a JewBu, very smart, passionate, an activist, liberal. It was fun, but at points kind of painful because the whole thing is so forced. And I tried to get into to it, but its hard to make yourself vulnerable with a perfect stranger. To make it even harder, I met with a student who is struggling beforehand and had some meshugas with one of my faculty members just before that. So it was hard to get myself prepared. Its also hard to do light chit chat when there's so much deep stuff happening in my life. And you don't want to talk about your mom dying on a first date.

The Short Version

2009-02-02T22:47:00.000-08:00

So, here's my story: I had a phone interview a few days after the whole email experience (see the last post). That really raised my spirits. Of course, since then I found out that 30 people had a phone interview with this place, and they're likely to pick their top person from all 3. I haven't heard anything back which indicates I'm likely not that one.

My advisor left the country for a month long vacation, which makes me feel a bit free. Of course, there's the looming unemployment coming and the fact that I'm killing myself to finish a degree that they may hold back from me because of that unemployment.

On the upside, I am continuing my work of creating better connections in life with others. I'm taking a class on non-violent communication. I put myself back on match.com and have a date on Saturday (an afternoon coffee date) with a man who is perfect on paper. And I'm managing to not get my hopes up too high about him and remembering that if he isn't a good guy who cares about strong communication and treating his partner well, then I'm not interested anyway.

I've been feeling extremely stressed the last week. I can feel it in my pulse. The stress in my life is enormous -- Mom's dying, graduating, unemployed soon, may have to switch careers, will likely have to move. Its a lot.

But I'm trying to find a BuJew way about it. I have been reading "When Things Fall Apart" again and trying to focus on practicing non-grasping and learning to enjoy the moment, even if the moment is hard.

Hatred in My Department

2009-01-21T19:36:00.000-08:00

Monday night around 10pm, I got an email from a professor in my department that was sent to the department list serve. A very hate-filled email comparing Israelis to Nazis with horrible graphic pictures from the Holocaust and Gaza. One had a little girl's decapitated head in Gaza next to bodies of Jews killed by Nazis.

I was so upset that the professor sent this that I wanted to immediately respond. I called my friend Jennifer and asked her to talk me down. People often send heated things out on our department that lead to horrible disagreements. I have been warned recently that when I'm up for a job, people on the hiring committee will call any professor in the department that they know to ask about you. So I didn't want to get on anyone's bad side. But as an Israeli and the descendant of Holocaust survivors, I felt like I couldn't be silent.

My friend helped me come up with the idea to ask the department chair, who is on my committee, to say something so that I don't have to. I crafted her a well-thought out email explaining why I think what the professor said is over the line. And I didn't hear back.

I went into a trauma cycle and started binging on food and alcohol. I only had two drinks, but that's enough to potentially trigger a migraine for me. I fell asleep from a food and alcohol coma.
But, I woke up around 3am. I was wide awake with a bit of a headache and with all of the feelings. I had to teach on Tuesday. It was a long and disturbing night. I listened to my guided imagry CD and took homeopathic medicine.

The next day, I ran into the chair of the department. She told me that she had decided to not say anything because she thought it violated the professor's academic freedom to have her limit what could me said. This really hurt me because she's stepped in previously when a graduate student made rude comments to a professor and in another case when someone made racist comments to Chicano students. I felt as if my hurt didn't matter.

I was considering letting the whole thing go. I mean, I am graduating in 6 months, hopefully. I decided to write an email response and then just save it in my drafts. It felt better to get everything out and to spend the time carefully crafting out my thoughts and clarifying what my experience was in a thoughtful and sensitive way.

Then, I got an email from my chair justifying her decision that I could just get off the listserv if I wanted and that the list is meant for people to post whatever they want. I was so hurt and angry that I decided to send out my email response to the listserv.

At first there was no response, and that made me feel a little hurt. Then, I got emails from other Jewish graduate students in my department, thanking me for being brave enough to send the email. They felt the same way. I felt better for having said my peace and voicing what I need - to not have hostility in my workplace (and asking for what I need is something that I really struggle with).

The next day, another professor sent out an email to the listserv calling for an academic boycott of Israel. Now, this would include not allowing me to do what I had done for my MA research and not allowing me to apply for postdocs in Israel. The boycott call has been going around the world for years, so this was clearly posted, I and some of my friends believe, in direct response to my email. It was like a screw you to my request to be respected.

Now, I'm super upset. I can't focus. I have gotten several emails of support from fellow students, but the faculty are silent. Other than my advisor who asked me when I was okay about what happened; I told her no. I don't think that she's going to do anything about it. I took myself off the listserv, which means that I may not receive notice about conferences, jobs, and funding opportunities. But I'm not putting myself through all that.

My therapist says that I'm running, which is a pattern from me - that I shouldn't demonize the department and that I should learn to not distance myself from those who hurt me and take better care of myself when I'm feeling the trauma. Or something. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do. We ran out of time so she said we'd talk about it next week. I hate that.

10 Things I Like About Myself

2009-01-18T20:13:00.001-08:00

April inspired me to make this list to remind myself of the things that I want to hold on to whilst I think about what changes I want to make in my life in the coming year. I encourage you to play along and make your own list. Here goes:

I am intelligent.
I am brave and courageous.
I am strong and resilient.
I believe in people and in the future.
I am good at my career.
I strive for balance in my life.
I have a good sense of where I come from and where I want to go.
I have learned to take good care of myself.
I am curious and open.
I have amazing friends.

Results of Investigation by Kansas' Department on Aging

2009-01-09T18:37:00.000-08:00

I received a letter from the Kansas Department of Aging sent a month and a half or two months after I called. I complained about my mother's lack of care, specifically about the lack of people at the facility to feed her, give her liquids, turn her, provide medication when needed, etc. -- basic care sort of issues. I just got a letter back which says that an investigation was launched because of my complaint and "as a result of this investigation, deficiencies were cited."

My hope is that the facility will go back to my father and encourage him to raise hours of the private CNA care for Mom. I haven't heard of them doing that though, and I'm not sure if I should call and speak to the executive director or just leave it. If they were to find out that I had launched the investigation, there could be retribution against Mom, and Dad would be very angry.

I'm back at home now, very happy to be here, but VERY stressed out about the work load. I have more to do than I can possibly do. I didn't sleep well last night. I want to work on creating a social life for myself here but I don't have time for that. I only have time for work and trying to get my home in order. I don't even have time to get to therapy probably this week, which is ridiculous, but apparently my committee member is going to throw me something last minute to do at the time I had therapy scheduled.

What I Want in a Partner

2008-12-27T12:00:00.000-08:00

I think that this is an Imago exercise. In order to move forward and to choose someone who doesn't fit into my usual pattern, I think that it will be useful to identify the core things that I'm looking for in a life partner. So here goes.

Someone who treats me well.
Someone who values communication.
Someone intelligent, sensitive, and caring.
A mensch.
Someone who gets me.
Someone honest, trust-worthy, loyal, responsible, and open to a long term relationship.
Someone who values love and relationships.
Someone who will allow me to be my own person.

The following are things that I want, but I don't need.

A feminist
A Jew
An Israeli
Someone spiritual
Someone funny who makes me laugh
An activist
Someone with whom I can exchange massages at the end of the week
Someone who will get along with my family and friends
Someone creative and passionate

Here are things that are deal breakers:

Someone controlling
Verbal or emotional abuse
Someone looking to dominate me and/or put me into a role of what they think a woman should be instead of creating a partnership based on who we are.

If any of my readers are single, then I challenge you to create your own list. The interesting thing for me about this list is realizing that of my core list, none of my past relationships actually fit what appears to be a pretty simple list (the first one). I think that I get caught up in the things that I want (but don't need) in a partner. I also realize that many of the things on my first list are very broad categories and that no one is sensitive about everything, all the time.

I Pick Partners Who Don't Treat Me Right

2008-12-24T08:06:00.001-08:00

Last night, I hung out (separately) with my old and dear friend Paul and his family and then with my friend Merissa. Apparently, Merissa told me that she and Paul had a conversation recently about me. They decided that the people I date don't treat me right. Paul said that he thinks that *A* never treated me right (and he was there from when we first started dating when I was 15!).

There was something very epiphany-ish about hearing it though so broadly from people who know me so well. I do fall for people who treat me poorly. There is one exception that I can think of off hand, this rabbinic student that I dated in Israel who treated me VERY well. But I broke it off with him because I didn't have the same kind of feelings for him that he had for me. I think its a sign.

It is interesting also because it is a way in which I am like my mom. She taught me to love those who hurt me and to ignore those who don't. I tend not to see myself as like my mom -- I think of my sister as taking after Mom, and I have moved past these issues of my parents. But apparently, I'm like Mom too. And there are a lot of ways I want to be like my mother; this isn't one of them.

Imago theory, which I've discussed previously, would say that I need to work on this issue myself before partnering OR find a partner who tends to treat the one they love not well BUT is interested in working past that. I'm going to start with working on me. I think that this is going to mean starting with friendships and make sure that I make friendships with people who are good to me and then appreciate those friendships. It means not being co-dependent with anyone. And it means learning better to ask for what I want and surround myself with people who give me what I need.

All of this also means that Z is DEFINITELY not the right guy for me. I see that more clearly now....hopefully, I can actually let him go in my heart now.

It's Raining in Kansas City

2008-12-23T09:33:00.000-08:00

Sitting at my computer
Looking out at the rain falling on the barren trees
The streets are cold and quiet
My heart is hot and fidgety.

Anxious thoughts afloat as my focus fights
Between my work, my dying mother, and my unrequited love
Waves of karma sweep through the room
As I sit hungover from passion and grief.

The rain freezes to the ground endangering my freedom
And battering the American flag hung across the way
But I will not sit here hostage to weather and anxiety
More slowly and cautiously, I will continue on my way.

Arriving in Kansas City

2008-12-18T07:03:00.000-08:00

I made it to my Dad's house yesterday early afternoon, and its been a bit of an emotional entry already.

The plan had originally been to drive Z back to his home in Chicago, but somewhat last minute, we decided to have him fly back from Omaha while I drive down from there to KC. This saved the two of us an entire day of driving and saved me a 9 hour drive by myself back to Kansas City. But deciding to cut the trip short felt a little like something else - it felt like a decision that Z and I aren't entering into a romantic relationship and so convenience is more important than a couple of extra days together. Of course, it logically makes a LOT of sense, especially considering that Kansas City is about to experience an ice storm.

Z and I had a little more conversation about us before trip ended, each time initiated by me. I tried to convey to him that I wasn't looking for what would happen in the future, but was trying to focus on how we approached the time together that we had. I don't know if he fully got that, but while he did open himself up a little more, I felt him still emotionally closed off to me.

At the airport in Omaha, I was surprised when he drove to the terminal instead of to park, so I just dropped him off. We did our goodbyes in the cold Nebraska weather. He was very casual and asked me to call him when I get in to Kansas City. He gave me a quick kiss on the mouth, and then I stopped him and told him this:

"Z, you are a unique man: strong but not aggressive, intelligent but open to other's ideas, independent enough to be able to partner without losing yourself. You make me feel empowered and weak at the knees. You make me smile and laugh. I think that we have a unique connection created over short, random, intense interactions we've had over the last 15 years. I think we have a lot in common and want the same kind of life. But I'm an independent woman just coming into her success and have no desire to chase after someone whose heart is not open to me. While I think that there might be something here between us, I don't know. If one day you decide that you want to explore what's there, give me a call."

Z said, "I'll give you a call anyway."

And then he gave me another short kiss on the mouth and left.

During the drive to Kansas City, I thought a lot about what all of this means. Through the help of my friend Tonya, I realize that just like Miranda was told in Sex & the City, he's just not that into me. And that may be for a number of reasons including issues he has about commitment and fear of being vulnerable with someone who lives in another part of the country. But in the end, I know that it doesn't matter; he's just not that into me. I know this in my head, but in my heart I still feel hurt, sad, disappointed, and a longing for more.

I do have one more brief story to share about this and then I'll leave the story of Z behind: So he and I had been sleeping together, and one night I approached him for sex, but he was too tired and went to sleep. So, I got up and started practicing yoga, trying to take my feelings of frustration and my lack of will power around my sex drive, and ground myself in my practice. Throughout the trip, I thought about practicing non-grasping and tried to think of the travel as meditiation, using an article that I found in Shamballa Sun by Thik Nan Hahn (am I spelling anything right here?) about staying in and enjoying the present moment.

Okay, so I arrived in Kansas City, and there's a car blocking my entrance to my dad's garage. I call my dad to see what's up - because its really cold and snowy out, and I want to unpack my car. He tells me that his assistant is there, and I should just park in a different part of the driveway (that by the way is covered in snow). I am SO happy to see my dog. And then I look on the wall and see that there's a picture of me and Larry (my last boyfriend) on the wall. I take down the picture and rip it up. Dad says, "that's your wall, so if you wanted a new picture there, you'll have to put it up yourself." His assistant notes that she told him to take that down. I feel hurt that my dad is so inconseridate of my feelings and feel emotional looking at this very special moment between me and Larry that I had forgotten about.

When I go to "my room" to unpack, I notice what I've left in the room and what I thought might be there but is missing. I notice that there's a novel, obviously previously read by my mother, on the bookshelf - the same novel that I'm reading right now. I find myself looking around thinking about what I want to take with me when I leave, what my dad will let me take of his and Mom's stuff, and remembering that I'm here to end this process of living here and taking care of my parents. This trip, I will take my things, and next time I come back will be when my mother dies. Then I won't come back much anymore. I am reclaiming my life, so that I can after all of this, start to focus on building a real life for myself and getting on with living it. Also, I want to shed all of this trauma of my family.

I'm thinking about this as my dad comes upstairs into my room. My dog jumps on the bed, and I lay down to pet her. Dad says, "you're belly's showing." I notice my shirt has moved up to uncover my stomach and move the shirt down. "You've got a buldge there. Not like me. See, I'm think." He then lifts his shirt to show me his stomach. I'm appaulled. First of all, I work out 5x/week these days and am in excellent shape. Second, I'm feeling bad already about being rejected by Z and now my dad is telling me that I'm fat. Third, I've driven for so long to get out here and that's what he wants to focus on.

I went to my sister's house to play with her kids, and that was fantastic. I hadn't told the kids of my change of plans, so I just came up and rang the door bell. When the answered the door, the kids yelled "Dodah!" (Aunt, in Hebrew), jumped up and down, and embraced me. We played and played until I was exhausted, and it was time for them to go to bed.

On the car ride home, I thought about the fact that I have a good life, and that while it would be nice to have a partner, I don't need one. I have an amazing niece and nephew, great friends, and if I want to take in a foster kid or adopt a kid next year or the year after once I get a job, that I can do that without a partner.

When I got home, I called Z, as he had asked, to let him know that I got in okay. He told me that his flight had been delayed in Omaha for an hour and that he got in later than me. I felt sad that we hadn't spent that time together. Z was very quick on the phone, and the conversation didn't last very long, despite the fact that I had waited to call him until I'd have time to really talk. When we hung up, I felt the sadness and disappointment all over again.

I called my friend Tonya, who was nice enough to let me kvetch about it for quite some time. I think that the process of letting go of Z AGAIN will be a long one, and that I have to remember that its just a process. Feelings will arise, I will let myself feel them, then I'll let them pass. I will try not to fight or judge the process.

Today, I am going to meet my sister and nephew at his school to hear some Hanukah songs. Then, we'll go out to lunch and then over to my mom's. I'm really grateful to get to go with them the first time that I see Mom this trip. I know that it will be emotional.

I also have a LOT of work to do -- I have to write an entire dissertation chapter, create my syllabus for next quarter, and if time, start creating lesson plans. I also have to connect with my friends here, go buy some food before the ice storm hits, start an exercise schedule.....

It feels good though to write this all and get it out of my mind and onto the internet. It feels good because I don't have to keep holding these thoughts, they're out there in the world. And it feels good because I know that there are some very supportive people out there who will read it. That reminds me that I'm cared about and that there's meaning in the process even in the fact that I'm learning, growing, and I'm able to give an honest portrayal of what this experience is like. [And by the way, Gail, I'm a little worried about you. Are you blogging somewhere about your experinece losing your Mom?]

Z Doesn't Think About Me That Way

2008-12-14T22:38:00.000-08:00

I sit here writing this blog on the floor of a hotel room on my way to Kansas City. Z is watching some History Channel show on some shroud that people think might have belonged to Jesus. It's 11:40, and he wants to wake up super early to drive for a very long time tomorrow so that he can get home in time for some lecture on the 17th that he's supposed to give, that I don't think that I knew about. Maybe I did. Everything is such a haze from the last few months.

Spending time with Z has been incredible - we've had a great time, and I really appreciate that he's been driving with me. Actually, he's been doing all of the driving so I've had a very easy time. From the first night, we've been "sleeping" together. I had the conversation with him before it happened and thought that we were on the same page, but apparently I was reading into some of what he said and what he didn't say (because honestly he didn't say a lot that first night). I thought that this was the beginning of us considering the possibility of a relationship.

But, I've felt a lot of distance from him - metaphorically of course, mostly we're inches away from each other in the car! So tonight, after he told me a couple of stories of married people who are very unhappy and shouldn't be together and that maybe long term relationships don't work and that he's not looking for a relationship - I stopped and asked him, "so what are you doing with me then?" He said that he doesn't think about me in that way right now.

So, I'm feeling very hurt and rejected. I told him that I don't think that we should continue sleeping with each other like this because to sleep with a friend is okay if you have the boundaries that it is only a friendship and nothing more, but I want something more, so to continue sleeping with him would be to play with my heart. And, I told him, I deserve better than that.

He's said very little through the whole process and it feels like if I bring up anything about "us" that its inappropriate/he's unresponsive. I just asked a bit ago if his feeling about not being open to the possibility of a relationship with me is about him and not knowing me that well OR if its something about me. He said, "I don't know what you want from me. We've been together now a day and a half." I thought for a minute and told him that when I look at him, I want to kiss him, and not because I just want to kiss someone and he's there. And I want him to feel the same way about me. He didn't respond.

Augh! This is so hard. We've got several days ahead. I may not be able to publish your comments, but I will very likely be checking my email briefly once a day at the end of the day, my faithful and supportive readers. Why is it that the people who are so perfect for me are so emotionally unavailable? I think that there is a lot of material here for therapy after my trip. And there is a lot going on that is about Z and has nothing to do with me. But, I am very disappointed that there isn't the space to explore something more. This man makes me laugh, he makes me think, he makes me smile, he makes me feel like I'm seen. And its ironic that I say that last thing because I'm sitting here on the floor of the hotel as Z now turns off the tv and goes to sleep; I'm starting to tear up, and I'm trying to be quiet about it so as to not let him know because there's not space here for me to cry. There's no space here for me to feel hurt. And that's being seen. It certainly isn't being loved -- but maybe I expect too much from people too soon???

Tomorrow, the adventure continues.....

Honesty Award: 10 Honest Things

2008-12-10T20:17:00.001-08:00

April gave me honesty award for which I am grateful. Honesty is at the core of my blog. And it forces me to sit down and write. I've been running around for some time now - traveling, trying to finish my dissertation, and working as a researcher. I leave on Friday by the way to visit my family, and I have people to drive both ways with me.

So here are some honest things about me:

I was recently quoted in an article about my dog's role in my healing from rape. It was published on this website.
Despite that I'm completely lactose intolerant, I can't stop eating dairy products. They're SO yummy.
I think of my friends as more like family; I'm closer to more of them than my family.
I never completely live up to my quest -- its hard to keep the balance and intentionality there when I've got so much on my plate.
I need my dog snuggled up on my leg to be able to fall asleep at night.
I haven't been able to sleep for some time now without a small about of Ativan.
I've been managing my anxiety by working out 5x/week. [And I look amazing because of it.]
I SPOIL myself - massages, acupuncture, therapy, hospice grief counselor, pedicures, and chiropractor.
I am a recovering perfectionist. Sometimes not so recovering.
As much as I will attempt to remain grounded, I have very strong feelings for *Z* and hope that he feels the same way about me.

Looking for Travel Recommendations

2008-11-28T09:34:00.001-08:00

This is a call for information: Do you have any recommendations about places to stay, restaurants, or things to do off the I-80 from San Francisco to Chicago or the I-40 from Oklahoma City to Las Vegas? My massive road trip will take place in December. In particular, I'm looking for a hotel with hot springs near Salt Lake City.

Have you lived in one of the cities or towns that I'll travel through? Have you gone on a similar road trip? If so, help me turn my scary trip into a fun adventure.

What I Do When the Emotion Hits

2008-11-18T20:27:00.000-08:00

Recently, I've been feeling a lot of deep emotions -- fear, grief, sadness, anger. In the past, I may have spiraled out into a very negative cycle. I would have been overwhelmed and given into unhealthy coping mechanisms. Part of the reason why my experience right now is so emotional is that it hits at so many core issues for me - feeling alone in the world, safety, etc.

Anyway, what I'm trying to do now is to start by allowing myself to feel whatever comes up, and then let those feelings pass. Then, I'm going to try to make a plan that includes taking care of myself and trying to make the best of the situation.

Did I Mention That I Hate My Father?

2008-11-17T09:42:00.000-08:00

Everything is falling through with my trip back from Kansas City to home. I'm offering people to pay for their entire way, just so that I can have someone to go with me, and I can't find anyone interested. And so I made a desperate move and tried to plan a family trip over New Year's at a mid-point between KC and my home. I got my sister interested in going and offered to babysit her kids New Years. I called my Dad and asked him to drive with me and get a one way ticket on an airline home. He told me he'd think about it.

Last night, I got really emotional before I went to sleep just thinking about what it meant to ask my father to do me a favor. I thought about how my mom would have immediately offered to go with me, and how she forced herself on going with me when I moved out here, even though she knew that she couldn't drive on a highway but hadn't bothered to tell me that. Anyway, I started getting very sad about not having my mom around anymore. I broke open this box of photographs that I took from my Dad's house of my childhood just to look at photographs of Mom before she had Alzheimer's. I cried and cried about not having anyone to love me the way that she used to.

This morning, my sister called to tell me that Dad spoke with her this morning. He told her that he wouldn't even CONSIDER taking the trip with me. Apparently, he's not even going to tell me that to my face. He said that he won't not visit Mom for even a day. I find that such a hurtful excuse when I KNOW that my mom would want him to come with me. She's forced him to travel to be there for me in the past and would NOT want me to travel alone for such a long distance.

I hate my father for not telling me to my face. I hate him for not even considering my safety or my needs. I hate him for talking me into bringing my dog to stay with him and then not helping me get her home. I hate him for thinking that I'm selfish by even mentioning such a trip, when it would be good for him to have a couple of days away and for the whole family to have some time together AND equating me having needs with being selfish. I hate him for not being able to act as my father.

And why, you ask, did I get myself in this situation in the first place? Well, I was dating Larry when I brought my dog to Kansas City. He had offered to drive with me. Now, I'm alone for New Year's and driving many hours on desolate roads by myself.

The Problem With Plans

2008-11-10T08:25:00.000-08:00

Augh stress. So here's situation right now: I arranged to drive to Kansas City to get my stuff, my dog, and whatever I'll want of my mother's. I'm doing this over Winter Break because I was offered a last minute job teaching at my university starting in January, and so if Mom dies during the time I'm teaching, I won't be able to have much time to go back. I can probably take a week off, but not much more.

My Dad has a tendency to purge their stuff quickly after someone dies. He's already begun purging things of Mom's, but I have been wary of taking anything while she's still alive. Its clear though now that I have to just take what I want or it will likely be gone.

I arranged to drive to Kansas City with *Z*. Now, I need someone to drive with me back from KC to home with the dog. I had a classmate who lives in KC who was going to do it, but I got an email today from her backing out of it. So I'm a little stressed. I REALLY don't want to have to drive by myself and the dog. It was so hard doing it with Mom when she couldn't share the driving, but at least then she could stay with the dog in the car. I've mentioned it to a LOT of people who just aren't into it.

And here's my update on Mom: Dad called me to tell me that Mom's having explosive, horrible diarrhea. He said that there are two things that she gets that relate to digestion - Activa yogurt and a stool softener. Because the stool softener is regulated by the doctor, he's going to just stop feeding her yogurt. I tried to explain to him that yogurt helps regulate diet but doesn't produce loose stools. That she definitely needs to be taken off the stool softener. He said that he wanted to just alter the yogurt and see what happens. I got off the phone immediately. I then called my sister to ask if I should call hospice, but my sister started lecturing to me about some special diet that perhaps Mom should be on -- and maybe she'll bring Mom applesauce. So I waited a day and then called. The nurse on call said that it wouldn't be a problem, and she'd have Mom taken off the stool softner and maybe they'll put her on immodium. My family is so frustrating; I can't believe that I'm going to Kansas City!

Dreams, Schemes, and Living Day to Day

2008-11-02T22:07:00.000-08:00

So I've been having these really intense dreams lately. Every night. I know its going to happen when I fall asleep. And then I wake up and am not sure where I am. And I spend part of the morning just pondering the dream and trying to snap back into reality.

So after my scheme to get Mom more care, I tried to step back and just lose myself in work. I've gotten into a routine of work, exercise, yoga, cooking myself healthy meals, and just taking good care of myself.

Then yesterday I was asked to teach a class in Winter. A class that I REALLY need on my CV. So I agreed. But that means losing my flexibility Winter Quarter for being able to travel back to Kansas City. So now, I'm planning on going back Winter Break and getting the dog. But, the more that I try to plan, the more I get stressed because there's no way of knowing what will happen with Mom.

I called *Z* after all this time and apologized for being overly sensitive, and he invited me to Chicago, where he now lives. I'm tempted to ask him to drive with me to Kansas City but I also worry that I'm setting myself up for heartache. Ah, sometimes its hard to know what to do sometimes.

Angry with My Father

2008-10-07T20:06:00.000-07:00

Things with Mom are spiraling out of control. So, since the whole shtick with Dad, Mom's been put on Oxycontin, had two seizures and a fever, and has basically barely been awake. She's barely eating or drinking, and they've put swabs by her bed so that her mouth can be swabbed. Today, Dad invited the private caregiver to work 8 hours instead of 4, starting tomorrow.

Hospice says that they're unlikely to move her to the hospice house because according to them, she's not "actively dying." I pushed the social worker that if she's not eating or drinking, sleeping most of the day, and having seizures, then how can she possibly make it much longer? She suggested that I push my father to hire the caregiver 24/7 instead. While I had offered two weeks ago to come back if she'd organize a family meeting with hospice, she suggested that it would work out without me having to come home.

So I tried calling my father right afterward, and I offered to pay for the rest of the hours for the private caregiver out of my own pocket. He told me unequivocally no. He told me that I was just being emotional, and that he just doubled the hours so I shouldn't be complaining. I said, "if I want to pay for it, what does it matter to you if she has the extra care?" He told me that his steak dinner was getting cold and so he wouldn't discuss it further.

I hung up the phone and shouted "fuck you!" three times. I'm REALLY angry with him. I'm frustrated that hospice won't intervene more on her behalf and that the social worker talked me out of coming home two weeks ago to try and fix things before my father had officially solidified his position. I'm tired of fighting for my mother's care. And I fear that she's going fast.

Call to Action: Shlomo Carlebach

2008-10-02T11:58:00.001-07:00

Over the last several years The Awareness Center has exposed ex-rabbi, Shlomo Carlebach as being an “alleged” serial sexual predator. To the best of our knowledge there have been more women sexually victimized by Carlebach then any other individual “alleged” sex offender. Even though Hadassah Magazine (which is geared towards Jewish women) mentions The Awareness Center and the fact there there have been so many allegations of clergy sexual abuse made against Carlebach, it’s shocking to learn that this month’s cover story would honor the memory of a man who has terrorized so many (see article below).

It is also disgusting to learn that a musical has been created as another attempt to turning this sexual predator (Shlomo Carlebach) into a tzadik (saint).

As a people we have the responsibility to stop the cult like craze of re-writing history of a man should be seen as nothing more then a sexual predator who still has a cult like following.

CALL TO ACTION:
Contact Hadassah Magazine and demand that they stop honoring a man who created so many victims of sex crimes. Demand that in a future issues they focus on the issues and ramifications sex crimes have played in our communities and the stories of the women and families who have been victimized by Shlomo Carlebach.

CONTACT:
Hadassah
The Women's Zionist Organization of America
50 West 58 Street
New York, NY 10019
membership@hadassah.org
800-664-5646

For more information on the Case of ex-Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach
http://www.theawarenesscenter.org/Carlebach_Shlomo.html

-----------------------
Shlomo Carlebach - The Music Man
by Rahel Musleah
Illustrations by Ken Orvidas
Hadassah Magazine - October 28 (pages 51-56)
http://www.hadassah.org/

On any given Friday evening, the crowd is standing-room only. The long, narrow sanctuary often overflows with up to 300 people: On one side the paneled mehitz, the women gather, some in head coverings and long skirts, others bareheaded and in pants. The men wear suits or jeans and T-shirts-and even a smattering of Hasidic streimels (fur hats) and stringed robes.

Wealthy or homeless, seekers or grounded in tradition, worshipers are drawn to the Carlebach Shul, as Congregation Kehilath Jacob in New York is affectionately known, because of the musical and spiritual legacy of its renowned leader, Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach.

Fourteen years after Carlebach’s death of a heart attack at age 69-- he died on October 20, 1994 -- his influence borders on a grassroots movement, complete with its own music, legends, minyanim, yeshiva, conferences and legions of disciples who count him as one of the world’s 36 hidden righteous people. From Russia to Singapore, in most synagogues in America and in Israel, Carlebach’s music is everywhere, even when the people sin it don’t know it is his or even who he was, transforming places of prayer into vibrant spiritual happenings with uninhibited dancing and closed-eye inwardness.

“[Carlebach] made it a basic expectation that you go to prayer service to have your heart open and your spirit soar,” says Jay Michaelson, 37, a writer and a teacher of spirituality who attended the shul from 1999 to 2004. “He epitomized Yiddishkeit.”

An Orthodox rabbi who embraced feminist and liberal causes while transmitting Hasidic wisdom, Carlebach’s impact today reverberates across Jewish Prayer, outreach and healing. Some Jewish dating Web sites, such as www.frumster.com, even offer a category of religious observance called “Carlebachian,” implying openness and a spiritual orientation.

“It would be hard to find a Jewish spiritual leader under 60 who hasn’t been influenced by Carlebach,” notes Michaelson. “It would be like finding a civiil rights leader who hasn’t been influenced by Martin Luther King.”

Carlebach’s blend of folk songs and Hasidic nigguim revolutionized Jewish music. His iconic song range from the first he ever wrote, “Od Yishama” (a wedding staple), to “Ve-ha’er Einenu,” popularized by the Israeli Hasidic Song Festival in 1969, to “Am Yisroel Chai,” which became the anthem of the Soviet Jewry movement. Many have been absorbed so totally into the Jewish Musical canon that they are often categorized as “traditional/folk,” with no composer cited.

And now, there is even a show, Shlomo: The New Musical, which premiered in April at the Museum of Jewish Heritage--A Living Memorial to the Holocaust in New York. “with his meteoric talent, incredible charisma, unbounded love and treasure house of authentic Judaism, [Carlebach] reinvented the Jewish experience,” says Danny Wise, playwright and producer. Wise’s musical brings Carlebach the man to life, from his birth in Berlin, his escape with his family from Nazi-occupied Europe to New York and his ascendancy to rock-star status as a the singing hippie rabbi who exuded love and shepherded trouble souls. In the show’s opening song, lead actor David Rossmer sings: “in the house of love and prayer/May the fixing finally start/Raise your voice up and prepare/. To mend a broken heart.”

In real life, it would be easy to caricature Carlebach, to mimic phrases as “Holy Brother,” by which he addressed many, and to parody his trademark hugs. “He’d ask himself, ‘If I have [only] two words to say to someone, what would I say?” says Wise, who knew Carlebach well. “So he would ask, ‘Do you know where God is?’ [and answer] ‘Wherever you let Him in.’ Or he’d say, ‘You are the highest of the high.’ It was something that would never leave that person.”

Stories abound of people who not only became religiously observant but also turned their lives around because of Carlebach. “he was the Pied Piper of lost souls, a traveling troubadour,” says musician Rabbi Moshe Shur, who accompanied Carlebach on tour.

Carlebach made Judaism accessible to an audience that might have remained disaffected, adds Michaelson, but he “never dumbed down the sincerity of his belief... The lesson we can learn today is not to dilute our own spiritual tradition, but to communicate it authentically.”

Michaelson remembers waiting--and waiting--for Carlebach to lead a weeknight learning session at Jerusalem synagogue in 1994. As was his wont, Carlebach was two hours late. “But when he entered the room, it was...like magic,” Michael recalls. “There was a current of love and energy that seemed to be able to tap into. It was a real encounter with holiness.”

Born into an Orthodox rabbinic family, Carlebach imbibed Torah from childhood. An opening scene in the musical depicts the true story of 5-year-old Shlomo who went missing and was found in the Ark, arms and legs wrapped around a Torah scroll. He was recognized as a talmudic genius as a teenager at Rabbi Aharon Kotler’s ultra-Orthodox Ben Medrash Govoha in Lakewood, New Jersey, but left to follow his twin brother, Eli Chaim, to Chabad-Lubavitch, choosing outreach over scholarship.

In 1949, the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Yosef Yitzhak Schneersohn, sent him and Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, who later became the father of the Jewish Renewal movement, to college campuses as emissaries. Both concluded that to bring Jews back to Judaism they had to break with some elements of tradition, especially with regard to women, and ultimately left Chabad, but not before helping to bring it to the mainstream.

Carlebach devoted himself to reinvigorating Jewish spirituality and pioneering a model of rabbinic activism, espousing the cause of blacks in South Africa, for example. Historian Jonathan Sarna writes in American Judaism (Yale University Press) that after the Holocaust, “Judaism appeared desperately unwell, racked by assimilation, emptiness, and an epidemic of tormented souls. The loss of six million...made it especially imperative to nurture every spark and...save every Jewish who survived.” Carlebach defined Judaism as a religion of happiness and love, said Sarna recently in an interview. “Before there was such a word as outreach, he was doing it.”

People still say to me, ‘Your father was my best friend,’” says Carlebach’s daughter Neshama, 33, who has carried on his work through her own musical career. “I ask them, ‘How long did you know him? They answer, I met him once.” A best friend is that person who sees you, sees your pain, your joy, and my father was that person.”

Carlebach and his wife, Neila, had two daughters, Neshama and Nedara, but separated after several years of marriage because of his long absences; they remained on amicable terms. Neshama sees her father in her nearly 2-year-old son, Rafael Lev Shlomo, and she has just recorded her sixth CD, One and One, featuring the Green Pastures Baptist Church Choir; it is based on her father’s teaching. “we think one and one is two, but one and one is one,” she explains. “Until we open our hearts to every person, there won’t be peace.”

Early in the 1950s, Carlebach discovered he could inspire people through music, a living metaphor for the harmony he sought for a fragmented Jewish community. Among the many who influenced him was African-American singer Nina Simone, who became a voice of the civil rights movement. Carlebach recored his first album, Haneshomo Lach, an instant hit, in 1959. After appearing at the Berkeley Folk Festival in California in 1966, he opened the House of Love and Prayer in San Francisco’s Haight-Ashbury district, “A combination synagogue, yeshiva, crash pad, and sanctuary,” writes Sarna, where he enticed his “holy hippelach” to get high on Judaism even while “Experimenting with meditation, yoga, vegetarianism, Eastern religions, even drugs and sex.” A Zionist who kept his watch on Israel tim, in 1977, Carlebach settled his followers in Mosha Meor Modi’in (formerly Meve Modi’in) in Israel. He continued traveling the world, eventually returning to his base of Kehilath Jacob, which he took over from his father.

Today, the moshav of 40 families perpetuates Carlebach’s teaching, his musical outreach (Moshav Band, Soulfarm and HaMakor all have their roots in the moshav) and spiritual warmth--welcoming students and singles visiting or living in Israel temporarily.

Leah Sands, a member of the moshav, recalls that as a child growing up in Amsterdam, she loved Carlebach’s music. After she moved to Israel in 1979, she attended one of his concerts in Jerusalem and was daydreaming that he’d sing her favorite song, “Bo’V’Shalom” (the last verse of “Lekha Dodi,” which likens Shabbat to a bride), when suddenly, Carlebach picked her out of the audience, beckoned her closer and sang that very song.

“Why did you call me over?” she asked him later. Carlebach responded, “I saw the bride in you.”

“From that moment, my life changed,” says Sands. “Shlomo showed me a halakhic Judaism that made sense, like a puzzle that fits.” She met her husband Avraham, at another Carlebach concert.

Carlbach’s aura was not wrought purely of peace and love. Because he crossed boundaries--ignoring the Jewish laws proscribing physical contact between the sexes, for instance -- the Orthodox community ostracized him, says Wise. Some women alleged that he also crossed personal boundaries. A 1998 article in Lilith magazine and a Web site run by The Awareness Center (www.theawarenesscenter.org), a project of the Baltimore-based International Jewish Coalition AGainst Sexual Abuse/Assault, describe allegations of sexual misconduct, from suggestive middle-of the night phone calls to sexual molestation, especially with teenagers and young women. Consequently, some rabbis and Jewish leaders have thought carefully about using his melodies and stories.

The musical doesn’t shy away from mentioning this controversy, even though Neshama Carlebach was a conceiver of the play. “He didn’t fit in any box,” she points out. “he went against everyone’s wishes, his rebbe, his family, to do what was right in his heart. He struggled. He used to say, ‘If I had two hearts I could afford to use one for hate, but I only have one heart, so I used it for love.’” Now that he’s gone, she says, his message and the beauty of his music remain.

Part of Reb Shlomo’s ground-breaking approach was his joyous and individual expression of faith, which served to mentor generations after him, according to Judah Cohen, a specialist in Jewish music at Indiana University in Bloomington. “There is a sense of yearning in his music,” says Cohen, “the yearling of a soul to reach the divine. He gave people the impetus... to compose their own music [and] express his or her own voice.”

“The limited texts and purposely repetitive Hasidic-style songs he wrote and sang... were the key to his outreach efforts and enable Jewishly uneducated members of his audience to become a part of the music-making,” writes marsha Bryan Edelman, professor of music and education at Gratz College in Philadelphia and author of “Discovering Jewish Music” (Jewish Publication Society). It conformed with the Hasidic notion that words were secondary to music and that they sometimes get in the way of real communion with God. The catchy new tuns encouraged American Jews to incorporate the songs into their services, she writes: “For many, it was among their most powerful Jewish experiences...”

Carlebach was not a virtuoso musician. “He was a teacher who used music as a vehicle,” explains Shur, executive director of the Queens College Hillel in New York, admitting that Carlebach’s guitar was often missing a string and was tuned by others.

But, says Velvel Pasternak, owner of Tara Publications, a Jewish music publisher distributor who produced two Carleach songbooks, “there is something beyond the notes and the composition that you can’t analyze. His is the music that has lasted.” Indeed, artists who have preserved his tunes include Eitan Katz, who recorded “Unplugged”, a CD of little known niggunim, and Israelis Chaim Dovid, Aaron Razel and Shlomo Katz’s K’Shoshana.

Carlebach’s liturgical niggunim comprise the “nusah Carlebach,” used in 100 minyanim from Passaic, New Jersey, to Safed, Israel. other shuls have integrated heavy dollops of it into Friday night services.

The Carlebach minyan itself, says Rabbi Naftali Citron, Carlebach’s great-nephew and spiritual leader at Kehilath Jacob for the past five years, “is a haymish experience that combines Hasidic strands and touches New Age but retains a lot if its Eastern European roots.” Being nonjudgmental is vital; he adds: “Shlomo’s feeling was about [love of Jews}, not the minutae of halakha (Jewish law).

Citron’s relationship with his great-uncle deepened when his grandfather, Eli Chaim, died and he looked to Shlomo to fill the void. As the two grew closer, the would go for walks in New York. “He was so full of love for the homeless,” Citron recalls. “They’d come and talk to him. Not just because he’d give them money--which he did--but because they were really his friends.”

In the tradition of Hasidism’s charismatic leaders, Carlebach has been idealized, says Michaelson, but in a way that “simplifies and distorts his complex and controversial personality. Yet for all Reb Shlomo’s faults, his is a sect where the doors are wide open. The Carlebach yeshiva, Simchat Shlomo in Nahlaot, Jerusalem, accepts men and women from diverse backgrounds for text and experiential learning. To fulfill its vision of a “spiritual traditional Judaism that is in constant dialogue with the complex modern world in which we live,” its course range from Mishna, Talmud and Kabbala to “Secrets of Joy” and “Torah and Ecology.” Its Web site quotes Carlebach: “The right Yeshiva is a place where there is so much love that it’s awesome. God gave us Torah with so much love, so if I want to give over Torah to my children, it has to be done in the same way....”

Despite the allegations about his womanizing, Carlebach had an enormous impact on large numbers of women and believed in their empowerment, says Sarna. He was the only male rabbi to join the feminist group Women of the Wall at the Kotel in 1989, and he ordained two women, a controversial decision.

“Even though he was an Orthodox rabbi, we women didn’t feel ‘less than,’” says Melinda Ribner, a student of Carlebach’s for over 20 years whom he ordained to serve as spiritual guide and transmitter of Jewish meditation, prayer and Torah. At Kehilath Jacob, she says, Carlebach gave her semikha at a public event on his father’s yortzeit. Ribner’s organization, Beit Miriam and Kabbalah of the Heart, offer spiritual psychotherapy, healing and the “Kabbalah of the feminine: (www.kabbalahofthe heart.com).

Rib tries to live by Carlebach’s teachings. In Safed, she once met some female soldiers outside a synagogue and invited them in. One of the women responded with discomfort, and as they talked, Ribner forged a connection with her, tell her about the prayer for Israeli soldiers recited in American synagogues. “Then I asked myself, ‘What would Shlomo do?’” Ribner recalls. I asked her if I could give her a hug. She accepted, and then all the women soldiers lined up for hugs.”

Carlebach himself recognized he was not a perfect vessel. he taught that the world is a broken place and was always conscious of the need for personal healing and universal repair. Says Wise: “Shlomo’s legacy is that people can still discover an oasis of safe joy wherever they are just by listening to his music.”

This Week's Crisis

2008-09-28T21:52:00.000-07:00

Dad called my yesterday morning to tell me a few things about Mom. First, she's no longer eating solid foods and has been placed on a diet of pureed food only. Secondly, he believes that she no longer has quality of life and wants to hasten her death. He's asked hospice to take her off Ativan (which she is given to prevent/reduce seizures). He wants her instead on some sort of serious narcotic called Oxy-somethingorother.

I tried to explain to him that: 1) The seizures don't cause damage, they're the result of damage to the brain. 2) Going off of Ativan would comprise her comfort. 3) Instead of him just coming up with something, it would be better to have a conversation with hospice about how to keep her comfortable but diminish her suffering.

But he didn't want to hear anything. He was focused on how hard it is for him to go visit her everyday (without recognizing that he could just take a break from his visits) and what he had done for other people in the family who died in the past, even though those cases were often very different than what's happening with Mom.

My sister and I haven't been getting along, in part because I've been enforcing boundaries with her that it isn't okay for her or her husband to yell at me and order me around. Anyway, that's another story. But when there's a crisis like this, I like to start by trying to consult with others involved. So, since I didn't want to call my sister, I started by calling my dad's best friend. She told me that she had also told my dad that it doesn't make sense to take Mom off the Ativan, but didn't have a lot of advice on what to do. Eventually, I called my sister. She mostly wanted to kvetch instead of coming up with a plan, so I got off the phone with her, especially when she started planning on not having Dad over for Rosh Hashana dinner and will instead bring dinner to Mom (even though Mom doesn't eat, sis didn't want to bring her kids to visit Mom anymore, etc.) I told her that I needed to focus on the medication issue.

She called today to tell me that she spoke with the floor coordinator after visiting Mom, who told her that Dad could do whatever he wants and that they're just waiting to receive orders from hospice.

I told my sister that the floor coordinator is not a good source of what's going to happen. She has no training or background in this. I called the nurse on call at hospice who told me that they won't take Mom off Ativan without a medical reason to do so, and not to worry. The nurse who is in charge of my mom will call me tomorrow. I called my sister back to tell her this.

Tomorrow, I have to call the hospice nurse, the social worker, and then my mom's cousin to update her. Oh and call my sister. That all in addition to my actual work load. And if I get bad news from the hospice people, I may have to be calling my Dad to negoiate Mom's care.

Why Rape Survivors Shouldn't Vote for Palin

2008-09-17T19:32:00.001-07:00

Since a number of my readers are survivors of sexual violence, I thought it pertinent to share with you Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin's long practice of silencing survivors. While mayor, she had rape survivors charged for their own rape exam kits! And now she's blaming firing her top lawman as Governor that the man she fired was trying to get funds for fighting sexual assault.

If you don't believe me, read ABC's article, AP's article, or watch this video from MSNBC.

Please, help spread the word. Even if you are a Republican, it is important that efforts to silence survivors of sexual violence and challenges to the prevalence of sexual violence are reported. We must make it clear that we will not stand by silently as sexual violence continues so rampantly!

*Photo from Fox News.

Nonviolent Communication and Wine Tasting

2008-09-07T21:57:00.000-07:00

So how do these two topics fit together? Well, I went to a lecture awhile back on nonviolent communication and am really impressed with the theory. I've always had the attitude of wanting to be completely honest and sharing everything, in particular with people with whom I share intimacy. But, this goes against ideas of non-violent communication, which focuses on sharing things with someone under consideration with how they want to hear it. It involves keeping separate your own needs from how to get your needs met.

And here's how you're supposed to tell people something important:
1) Start with an observation that is completely neutral from judgment.
2) Say what you feel about the situation.
3) Say what you need.
4) Make a request, starting with something connecting to the other person and then offering a solution.

You should say what you want and value instead of what you NEED. These things are done to remove desperation and bring joy back to the other person to get to choose to give you things instead of feeling forced. Another part of the philosophy is to give out into the world what you seek, so if you seek respect, to give respect to others.

I think that a big mistake that I've made in the past is to take for granted that if I care about someone that they should give me what I need INSTEAD of focusing on how to say to it.

So, to try it all out, I had a date today with someone that I met randomly on this website "Ok Cupid." I just went to play with the fun quizzes that they have, but found this woman who volunteers at her local rape crisis center and is interested in getting her PhD in Sociology (like me). So we met today at this winery where I have a membership that is located in between our towns. And we had a great time, despite the awkwardness of a first date. Well, I at least had a good time; I'm not sure what she thought. I'm not sure how to make another date happen anytime soon because we live an hour and a half away from each other, and I am really bad at making moves with women. I just am not good at reading women and that makes me feel insecure. Plus, I just am not socialized in dating women. So anyway, we'll see if there will be a date #2.

I'm going to participate in "Memory Walk" which is the fundraiser for the Alzheimer's Assocation. They take place all over the country. Check it out!

Wheat Free Bread -- Seeking Recipes

2008-08-29T20:25:00.000-07:00

I was diagnosed a few months ago with a wheat allergy BUT I'm not allergic to gluten. Its been pretty rough finding food to eat, especially because I also have to limit dairy, no coffee, and am hypoglycemic so try to limit my sugar intake. Augh!

To treat myself to an early birthday present, I bought myself a Cuisinart Convection Bread Maker. And now, I'm seeking recipes! I'm surprised to find out that it is somewhat rare to be allergic to wheat but not gluten. Most recipes that I've found out there for wheat free bread is ALSO gluten free. And now offense to those of you who are allergic to gluten, but the gluten free stuff tends to be a bit gross. Plus, a lot of those whole grains that you're allergic to are actually good for me.

SO, here's my call: if you have a recipe for a wheat free bread, preferably one made in a bread maker, please post it or link to it on this post.

Here are the ones I've found so far:
Amaranth, Quinoa, and Buckwheat bread
Corn and Quinoa Bread

Closure

2008-08-21T22:48:00.001-07:00

Today, my kitchen remodel is finally finished! It looks fantastic. I also finished a draft of an article, which my advisor told me she'd have read by Monday. And before hearing that while we had dinner at my favorite restaurant....

I called Larry to ask for my food back. (He had been storing it at his house while I was waiting for the new fridge to arrive due to a bad mix-up.) He didn't answer at first, then called me back but didn't leave a message. (I saw it on caller id.) So, when I phoned back, he offered to bring the food over. This was a big relief because I had basically given up on getting it back.

He came over, gave me the last of my stuff back, and had very little say. He just had that scared look on his face that he's had since he broke up with me. And I was VERY polite the whole time, saying nothing to engage him on a negative level.

It felt like such a relief to be able to see him and have the emotion past me. I don't want to be with him anymore; I see him now for who he is. I am happy with my life. I am very blessed with many things.

At the same time, I earlier today realized that my love life is sort of hopeless. But nonetheless, I am feeling very appreciative of my life right now. And just to make closure complete, tonight I watched the movie "40 year old virgin." This is a movie that Larry told me he hates -- I think in part because he can relate to the character. (He is that level of a nerd.) Anyway, watching it, I imagined myself letting go of my relationship with Larry.

And here's how I'll do it better in the future (thanks April): I'll take good care of myself. Right now that means eating well, spending time with friends, taking an adult ed fun class, reading, being balanced, working out, finding fun things to do around town, yoga, acupuncture, therapy, massage, facials, watching good movies, reading good books, blogging, riding my bike, etc.

Heartache

2008-08-18T01:48:00.000-07:00

Last night, an old boyfriend showed up from out of town. It became clear that he was only interested in sleeping with me on his way through town and nothing more. He was somewhat rude, and the whole evening was disappointing and depressing.

Then, tonight I thought I'd celebrate after finishing my first full dissertation chapter that will be my writing sample for the job market. Plus, I wanted to blow off steam and find some girl to kiss to make me feel better about having been dumped. Jennifer, my ex-girlfriend and one of my best friends, offered to drive me. I spent a lot of time getting ready and got very excited about the possibility of kissing Jennifer again -- I mean, why would she offer to pick me up so far out of the way if it wasn't to have the opportunity to be alone with me?

We get to the club which has weekly gay night on Sunday. At first, it was very fun. I know a lot of people there who are all very friendly. And it feels good to dance. I do tequila shots - only 3 over the course of the night. But it feels good to let loose. Jennifer bugs me for not flirting with women, but all I want to do is dance, and I just think about how great it'll be to kiss, and that I won't make the first move.

Then, she starts dancing with this woman. (She had encouraged me to dance with her; she's new in town, but I told J that the woman is WAY too young for me.) And then twice straight men practically maul me on the dance floor. I'm so grossed out and disappointed about what's happening with J, that eventually I take a cab home which cost me $30!

Now its 2am, and its too depressing to get into bed alone tonight. I feel very lonely. I miss having someone to share my life with. Its been very hard stopping myself from calling Larry. I did look on facebook and see that he's now listed as single and interested in women. Its as if he's ready to start dating already, and tomorrow will be a week since he dumped me.

Everything hurts too much. I am working all the time trying to get my job packet ready. My home is a mess from the kitchen remodel. I just want to go away to Esalen, but I sadly don't have even 5 days to take off. I took off so much time visiting my family, having surgery, and then recovering.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed tonight.

Ready to Move On

2008-08-13T08:49:00.000-07:00

Well, this break-up really tore me up. I didn't fall asleep the first night until around 2am and then woke up around 7am. I was crying all the time and couldn't focus at all on work.

I decided that instead of the original plan that was made when Larry dumped me -- that we would meet again later for him to explain the reasons why he wanted to end things. I just couldn't take any of that in the other night; I needed time to digest that he had told me that he loved me and then shortly afterwards was telling me that he's leaving.

So yesterday morning, I emailed him and asked if he would write it down in an email/letter instead of meeting with me. He wrote back that he was thinking the same thing, but that he'd "get" to it when he has time. I wrote him pleading for him to take the time to do it as soon as possible because I need it to heal. He replied briefly saying that it should be enough knowing that I'm "invisible" to what he's thinking (or something along those lines). I replied with another plea for the explanation, telling him that he claims to have loved and cared about me, and if that is true, then please to give me what I need. I told him that this was all I want - not to get back together, not to see him. I was thinking to myself that I'm not asking for him to pay for the tickets I bought for him to go to the opera which I can't use now, that I'm not asking for him to get some of my stuff back to me; I just asked to know why he made the decision to break up with me.

And I spent all day just waiting for his email, waiting for him to give me closure, bracing myself for whatever he might say. I phoned my therapist sometime in the afternoon asking her if I should contact him again, perhaps call him, and try to talk him to getting me this letter OR just tell him to forget about. She told me that I was being anxious, and that I needed to control my anxiety until our therapy meeting (at 11am today).

Last night was his last reply. It came around 11pm. He told me, in very carefully worded terms: "I will write to you later this week. I need to work on something for my
meeting with Derek on Thursday. Plus I think a cooler head/heart would
help me summarize my feelings." When I read this, I just felt so angry. He's telling me that HIS school work is more important than my work (because I haven't been able to work) and my well being. He is speaking to me in these carefully crafted words that are free of emotion, indicating a huge distance between us.

So I thought about it. My therapist told me to not say anything until she and I meet. But why did I really need to keep holding on to this? Why do I need to give him the power to tell me what my mistakes were and what lessons I need to learn for next time? Why should I continue holding on to my love and care for him to want to know what happened in his heart? Why should I continue to feel pain for the loss of a relationship with a person who was showing total disregard for me? (I mean this in terms of the letter request, that he planned out breaking up with me without any communication with me that he was even thinking of such a think, that we got so vulnerable with each other RIGHT before the break-up, etc.)

So I emailed him back and said, " I think that your response to me in the last two days tells me enough. I would prefer it if we end our contact with each other here." After I sent it, I felt very empowered and relieved. Finally, I could let go of my pain and my heartache and my attachment to the relationship. And when I think about it, I can figure out on my own and with the help of my friends and my therapist what the lessons are for me and what to do differently next time. Why should I respect the opinion of a person who has been lying (keeping things from me) for months now and who shows blatant disregard for what I need? The letter would likely have been very carefully crafted and diplomatic, but written in a way that would just hurt me and blame me for everything.

With that off my back, I was able to relax a little bit and then fall asleep. I finally slept very deeply. I woke up this morning a little happy and a little angry at him. In part, I'm happy that I am able to move on from the shock to the angry phase. I've struggled for such a long time to be able to let myself feel anger, since like many women especially women survivors, I tend to repress anger which turns into depression. I feel happy that I was able to decipher for myself what I needed and take back control of my life. I feel happy that I'm able to take back control of my life in general, that I can get back to the many parts of my life that I really do love, and I can move on from a man who had a lot to offer me, but was clearly not my soul mate. I see that now, now that he's shown his true colors a bit. I don't need to know exactly how or where he's been keeping things from me or even who he really is. I know that he's not someone that I can share my life with.

He Dumped Me

2008-08-11T22:16:00.000-07:00

I sit here typing crying my eyes out, confused as all hell, having had a fabulous and then horrible night. I don't exactly know what happened. Everything was lovely: sushi at my favorite restaurant, great conversation, emotional intimacy as Larry opened up and we both shared things for the first time.

When we got to my place, he kissed me and then proceeded to explain to me that he was breaking up with me. I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach. I want to cry my eyes out, and I do. And then I stop and just feel so confused. I don't know whether to cry and be upset or be angry that he's been hiding these negative feelings and doubts all the while telling me that he loves me and wants to be with me.

I feel like such an idiot and incapable of having a successful long term relationship. At least with Jerry we lasted 6 months. And this was 4 months! Why have I been opening up to this man; trusting him with my heart? I told him at the beginning that I wasn't looking for a relationship because I had enough going on in my life with my mom. But he told me that he was ready to take all of it on. And I believed him. Did he ever mean it? Why did he have me buy $350 opera tickets? Why was he making plans with me to go on vacation and to travel to and from Kansas City when my mom passes away? Why did he keep telling me that he loves me and is so happy to be with me?

We did have a fight last week, and then we talked it through. We agreed that I'd get an Imago workbook and we'd work through our issues together. And then things were fantastic again between us.

Augh! Augh! Augh! Okay, so the Jewbu quest right now is to let go of my attachment to the relationship, to ground myself in the present moment and the things that I do have (my friends, graduate school, fabulous mentors, graduating in the fall, my family, etc.), to take extra special care of myself, to give myself permission to feel whatever comes up, and to not internalize any of the negative things that Larry said to me.

I am so incredibly heart broken right now. I really felt so deeply for this man. I opened up to him and counted on him. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to call him and beg him to take me back. Another part of me wants to never speak to him again. Part of me wants to get really drunk. Another part of me wants to stay up all night and cry. This is all so unexpected.

Silences and Trust

2008-08-09T15:16:00.000-07:00

So, I've been seeing this guy, Larry, now for about 4 months. He claims to love me and that he'll do anything for me. But, lately, I just feel a lack of trust with him, and I'm wondering if this is about my own issues that I should come or a warning sign to slow down.

Here's what's going on: I've noticed that Larry doesn't open up much, especially not recently. When there are difficult issues, he clams up and just gets silent. Sometimes, he gets very formal in his conversation. I talk a LOT, so sometimes, I get uncomfortable that he's not interested in what I'm saying, and there are signs that maybe sometimes he's just not listening (or at least not hearing me).

Example: I had been looking forward to Thursday night for a long time. There's a special event in my town, and I normally have to miss it due to volunteering with a local organization. I made plans to go with Larry to the event as soon as I got back to town. I was at Sears trying to fix the fact that they haven't delivered my new appliances (even though I already got rid of the old ones because Sears had promised to deliver my appliances earlier) which was basically a huge stressful mess, when Larry calls me to tell me that his friend is going to be moving out of town and is having a give away party at about the same time as the event.

This is the second time that Larry has canceled something big with me because of this friend's last minute plans. Both times, Larry got very formal and basically made it a black or white issue -- either he'll be with me or he'll be with his friend; he offers little flexibility on making both work out. He speaks sort of in circles so I can't figure out easily what he really wants, especially since he never comes out and says what he wants. It becomes more passive aggressive, and he says things like: I'll give up this really important thing to do your thing, even though my thing is really important and I don't want to miss it.

Both times, he stressed me out in the middle of stressful situations. He spoke to me very formally and vaguely, leaving me to try to figure out what he really wants, what the options really are, etc.

I've been trying to talk to him about this, but he admittedly doesn't understand what I'm trying to convey. He openly said that if he gets an invitation to be with friends and they're doing something important, that he doesn't see any problem with canceling on me, even if it is last minute and even if our plans are important too.

I sort of got him to understand that we have different communication styles, and that for me communication is intimacy, and if he doesn't communicate openly and directly with me about what he wants, that I feel distant from him and a lack of trust. He admitted that he doesn't really have close friends so he doesn't ever practice open communication. He's always holding back and filtering, but he doesn't see a problem with that.

THEN on top of it all, we made plans to go study together this afternoon, and he calls me at 1pm to tell me that he has other plans to speak on the phone to his brother and mother. "I don't know why I didn't tell you that before." I said "I'm sure you just forgot." But I'm thinking to myself -- did you forget or did you just have problems communicating?

I don't even want to see him tonight. When he tries to kiss me, I just want to pull away. When he says "I love you," I want to say back "then act like it and open up to me."

Is this me reacting to the difficult situations in my life or is me recognizing big red flags? Should I slow things down with him or is this my issue that I have to get over?

Dog Visits Mom; Karma Nightmare

2008-07-23T06:54:00.000-07:00

I brought my dog to visit Mom. After I put the dog on her lap, I said to her "Do you like the dog?" She got this very big smile. She even sort of pet the dog as the dog gave her many kisses.

Last night, I had a nightmare. I was in Kansas City on a highway and noticed an exit to some interesting small village and thought I'd check it out. I had to get out of the car and walk across this path. There was water there, and a guy came by to offer to help me across with his upright scooter. But after I got on, he attempted to rape me. I got away and went into a diner or something. That part's a little fuzzy.

I remember needing to go meet a friend, so I got in my car and got back on the highway. My friend blew me off, so I ended up at some large stadium. I went to the bathroom, and while in the stall heard a tv report that someone at the stadium had murdered an Arab. I tried to call my dad with my cell to ask him for help since he knows chief's of police around Kansas City (this part is true), but he said he couldn't help. For some reason, my pants were outside the stall hanging up, but when I left the stall, they were gone. A woman who worked there came by to give me some weird skirt. In realization that there was going to be a retaliation against the Jews for the Arab's murder and in fear about my clothes, I started screaming.

And that's when I woke up. I was on top of the covers on the bed and cold. My dog, who had oddly decided to sleep upstairs with me that night, was under the bed hiding and immediately wanted to leave to go be with my dad. I heard Dad flush the toliet. I think I must have screamed out loud and woke him up.

This morning, I'm feeling very sleepy. I'm going to go to yoga and hopefully that will help straighten me out.

Visiting Mom

2008-07-15T20:25:00.000-07:00

So, I've come for my last visit to see Mom. I was worried to go see her and have to deal with the newest declines, but I was happily surprised to find that she responded to me in a way that she hadn't in a long time. I came around dinner time and fed her dinner. There was music on next to her, and she really enjoyed that. She made faces at me and smiled. Sometimes, when she wouldn't eat, I'd sing a bit and then she'd take another bite.

I came again tonight to feed her. This time I brought one of her favorite take-outs - Boston Market. She was super tired though, and I really had to struggle to get her to eat. She couldn't keep her focus. I didn't want to push her too hard because I've been told not to do that - that if she doesn't eat that its a sign that she wants to die or that it might be uncomfortable to eat and the she shouldn't be forced. On the other hand, I wanted to make sure that I fed her well, so it was a bit confusing on what to do exactly.

I think that I'll try again and this time get something really good - like crab cakes from the Cheesecake factory. And maybe a piece of cheesecake too. Something I know she really really likes. Its just hard too because the food gets cold because it takes so long to get her to eat.

Its a bit strange to be feeding my mother like this. She can't use her legs at all and is in a reclining wheelchair now. She's supposed to have a neck brace put on her when its meal time to help her keep her head up, but I just couldn't get myself to put that on her. Its so hard to get used to.

I met with my local Rabbi also and was comforted to find out more about what the mourning process will look like -- at least in terms of the Jewish framework for what is to be done. The rabbi told me something really interesting - that the goal or purpose for the framework is not to avoid celebrations, as I had read, but to avoid the trivial and to focus instead on honoring my mother. Jewish tradition is such that the mourning rituals for a parent last for an entire year. So, I should avoid making plans to go to concerts or the opera or vacations. It'll kind of be having my life on hold. And no big party for graduation. I'll have to rethink these things. But, most of all, I think that I should just not plan much for the next year or so.

The Newest Set of Struggles

2008-07-05T23:16:00.000-07:00

I don't have a lot of time to blog these days. I've fled my home due to a nearby wildfire. I am very sensitive to the smoke and ash, as well as get afraid of having to wake up to an evacuation order. So I'm staying at my advisor's place while she's out of town. Tuesday, my advisor returns and I'll likely have to find somewhere else to stay. Luckily, I have several friends with floors or couches offered to me and/or my dog.

So to escape the smoke, I'm flying to Kansas City on Saturday. I'll bring my dog who will stay there when I travel to a conference the end of the month. Then, I'll fly home without my dog. I get to be at home for as long as my mom isn't dying immediately. Because at that point, I'll drive to Kansas City either alone or with my boyfriend. I'll see my mother die, mourn, and travel back home with my dog. At least, this is the plan.

Mom had a major seizure today, so my plan may be scrunched up together. If you're unsure of how this all fits, read some earlier posts about what's happening with Mom's seizures. But, to make a long story short - she gets medication for seizures which works for about 3 weeks, and then she starts having seizures again. Then the medication gets upped and we start all over again. Well, next time the meds are upped, Mom will likely be so medicated that she'll no longer be awake and then due to lack of nourishment, will pass away.

This is an extremely stressful time. I'm trying to manage my emotions, find somewhere to live, make sure that my most precious belongings are out of the house and that insurance is in order, make travel plans, back up the computer, find somewhere to be during the day where the dog can be too....needless to stay, its very stressful.

But the good news is that I have a mask now which should help with the smoke, my home appears to be safe at least for the time being, many friends have offered me shelter, I have my best friend (aka the dog) with me, Mom is comfortable (with the exception of the seizures), and my boyfriend is a sweetheart who takes good care of me.

Some Thoughts To Larry

2008-06-18T21:22:00.000-07:00

After I met his family, Larry told me "I love you." I felt both my heart rise and sink. There are so many times that I've felt myself scream "I love you" inside. But, I'm so afraid of what these words mean. So many people who I've loved have used my love as a way to manipulate me and to put up with being hurt and abused. I've forever been a hopeless romantic, but I've also consistently fallen too quickly. Part of how I get hurt is the pain of seeing someone learn who the real me is and then decide that that's not someone they even like.

You and I have only been together a month. Its been a fairy tale month of roses wrapped in love notes, concerts, amazing meals, laughter, teddy bear snuggles, and joy. I like hearing your voice before I go to bed at night. When you hold me, it is like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. When you look at me, I feel something inside melt. And you are quickly becoming my best friend. I know that my challenge is to not lose myself in all of this and to take the time to get to know you properly. I want you to love me for who I really am, and for me to love you for who you really are - the flaws and complexities and all.

There's something that I've been holding back for you out of fear. I still have feelings for my ex-girlfriend and friend Jennifer. I have been afraid to talk with you about this for fear that you'll be frustrated and leave me. But, I want us to have an honest and open relationship, and hence I think that I should come clean to you. I think that part of what I'm feeling for her is coming from psychological defenses: I have this pattern of finding a way "out" of relationships, especially within the first month, and I think that these feelings for Jennifer are a way of providing this "out." In a way, you could see this as an honor -- I haven't been able to find something about you that's been a red flag, like there has been in past relationships. The other thing that's going on here is that because my mother is dying -- it feels like there's something wrong. By this I mean that I feel like its just wrong that that she will die, especially this way. This feeling of something being wrong generalizes -- so I feel like something's just wrong and I can't figure out what it is. Sometimes that leads me to question things...everything...until I realize that its just about my Mom.

I hope that you still want to be with me. I hope that you'll take the time to get to know and appreciate all parts of me -- flaws and all. I hope that you'll have patience for the fact that I'm going through a very difficult time in life and that I'm far from perfect and certainly not well knowledged in being in a successful relationship. Know that I've come to care about you very deeply, and that I am also falling for you. The words "I love you" though will terrify me though until I know you deeply and intimately, so that my love will be based on appreciation for every part of you and not projections of who I want you to be.

Some Good Times

2008-06-15T13:00:00.000-07:00

Well my loyal blog readers, not to fear: my life is going alright these days, despite the fact that my mother's last days loom in the future. I am arranging to travel to Kansas City for a month, to have my kitchen remodeled while I'm gone, to bring my dog with me and somehow drive us both by myself, pack up whatever's left at my dad's....Earlier this week, I had a horrible 3 day migraine, in part from all of the stress.

At the same time, I'm still dating Larry, and he continues to make me happy. I just successfully defended my dissertation proposal, with flying colors by the way. There was an argument about WHO would help get my dissertation published as a book. Two of the scholars that I work with took me out for a very fancy and expensive dinner last night. I have a lot of friends here. I'm working out often at a women's gym that I love. So, on the day to day, things in my life are great. I'm holding in there, although I often cry at night thinking about Mom, and I was very upset the night before my oral defense, knowing that I wouldn't have Mom to call to tell about it.

Upping Medication, Hernia, and Dissertation Proposal Defense

2008-06-10T22:52:00.000-07:00

Mom's medication is being upped, but they're spreading it out so that she won't be asleep all the time. Dad had hernia micro-surgery yesterday and is still recovering. Tomorrow, I've got a meeting with my dissertation committee to defend my dissertation proposal. There's a lot of stress, to say the least.

On top of it, Larry stops by tonight; he says to be there for me. Then, he tells me that his friend is having a celebration of his own because he'll be advancing to candidacy. And he wants to go. Although, he's not straightforward about telling me this; its all sort of circular. So he cancels our plans to go out to dinner.

This process sucks. I am probably not for dating right now. I'm overwhelmed with emotions, and sometimes not sleeping so fantastically. Everything is up in the air for tomorrow as to if I'll go on the job market this summer, what my dissertation will look like, and if I'll be able to take time off easily to be with Mom and then mourn her approaching death. I want to call her and have her comfort me, but that's not an option. I want to call her after the defense and have her be proud of me. Tonight, I'm feeling sad and stressed. But I'm also grateful to those loyal blog readers of mine. Thanks for your support.

More Seizures and My Father's About to Burst

2008-06-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

Mom had another seizure today. She might have had one yesterday too: no one saw it, but she was very sleepy, which is often a sign that a seizure occurred for her. If you've been reading along, you probably already know that pretty soon, her meds will be increased for seizures, which will have side effect of making her sleep all the time. Yup, that's right, not ever wake up again. And shortly after that, she'll pass.

So, word of her having a seizure is terrifying. But, I didn't hear from my father or from hospice, both of whom I would expect to call me. My sister just happened to stop by to visit Mom, and then, she called me.

It hit me that she's supposed to get an extra dose of Ativan when she has a seizure to prevent further seizures, but she's had several repeated seizures. So, I called Mom's facility and asked to speak to the med tech, who not only confirmed that Mom didn't get that extra dose, but that she thought that the liquid Ativan prn was only to be given as a substitute for the pills if Mom is unconscious. So, I asked to speak with the nurse on call, who didn't call me. Then, I called the hospice nurse who said she'd take care of it. Then, I called back a couple of hours later and spoke with the new med tech working (the other had finished her shift). The new med tech told me that Mom still hadn't gotten that extra Ativan, although she said, she should have. However, since that was before her shift, she couldn't do anything about it.

Then, I called the nurse of the facility and the hospice nurse. The nurse of the facility told me that she hadn't even been informed that Mom had a seizure and apologized. The hospice nurse first told me that Mom should get the extra Ativan, and then called me later to tell me that it was too late (after she spoke with the med tech of the facility). I think the med tech was just refusing to do it. The hospice nurse said that it wouldn't hurt Mom, but that it could help.

I fear that Mom will have a bigger seizure tomorrow, which could potentially have been prevented if she got her prescribed medication, and that this will all hasten the upping of her medication overall, and hence, her death. I'm angry that perhaps her earlier 4 seizures in 4 days could have been prevented, especially since that caused her to lose her ability to walk or even stand.

I'm angry at my father, who after finally calling me back, told me that there's no reason to tell me or my sister when things happen because there's nothing we can do and he's busy. I really hate him sometimes.

I don't know what I'm going to do when she passes. I had thought of driving up and staying with my father for a month, but I see now that I can't do that. I won't put myself through his verbal and emotional abuse. I will however, let go of the fact that he's giving away all of her stuff to my sister and his friends, and not even mentioning things to me. When I told him that I'd take their wedding china, after he threatened to just get rid of it, then he told me that I can't have it and is being insistent that my sister take it, even though she has our tante Christel's china. I don't need to spend any time or effort on these material things. I need to focus on Mom and dealing with my grief. I also need to deal with trying to catch up and get ahead with work stuff so that when need be, I can just drop it all and run to Kansas City. I need to figure out how the hell to get there and if I'll take my dog and where I'll stay.

On the upside, school is going well and this new man, Larry, is fantastic. With the exception of these all too often crises, things in my life are going well. If only I had my Mom to share it with.

Extreme Stress

2008-05-22T23:31:00.001-07:00

I went to acupuncture today, and while feeling my pulses, she told me that my resting pulse was at 100. It isn't so surprising considering what's happening with Mom.

Dad told me today that the person that washes residents' hair at Mom's facility is having a harder and harder time with her. Eventually, she won't be able to handle doing Mom's hair anymore, and Dad plans at that time to just stop doing her hair altogether. He said that someone can wash it on her floor and then just comb it out. Now for those of you with "normal" American hair, this might not sound like that big of a deal. But, for any of you who have frizzier hair will understand just how appalling this is. My mother has had her hair done every week for as long as I can remember. And when I've tried to fix up her hair with a hair drier myself, I had very little luck. Its complicated to fix Jewish hair, especially in older women's shorter styles.

Also, my sister told us that Mom screamed yesterday when staff put her in bed to take a nap. Apparently, she's in SOOO much pain from being in her chair all day that it hurts to even lay down. What she needs is a high backed "jerry" chair. But, her facility does not allow it. Apparently most assisted living facilities don't allow this chair, even ones like Mom's which are "age in place".

Now, I've left messages for the director of the facility, spoken with the hospice nurse, and had someone from the Alzheimer's Association go out there to try and take care of this chair issue. Hospice sent out an occupational therapist and multiple types of chairs. But, still, this issue is unresolved, and Mom's neck gets worse and worse. She can't hold up her neck anymore sometimes, and sleeping in the chair is very uncomfortable, especially when they leave her in there waaaay too much.

I have managed to negotiate/manipulate Dad into hiring a CNA to come stay with Mom from 11:30-3:30 every day starting Monday. The CNA will feed her lunch, lay her down for a nap, take her outside, and I hope feed her a snack. But, it isn't enough time. She REALLY needs someone to stay for dinner. I HATE that Mom can't get everything that could help her since my parents have a ridiculous amount of money.

Speaking of money, I did get word that Dad has officially tried to steal this money that my Mom's parents left for my sister and me (its in Mom's name now, but is set to go to us after she passes - Dad is trying to get the money before that happens despite that its specifically set up to not allow him to do that). The bank isn't going to stand for it, and since I've got some friends there, the word got back to me.

On the upside, I've been dating this fantastic man. His name is Larry, and he is very sweet, caring, sensitive....everything I could want right now. His father died 5 years ago of early onset Alzheimer's, so he also understands what I'm going through. A couple of nights ago when the Alzheimer's Association person told me that Mom is definitely on a fast path to death, Larry came over with a DVD of the Simpsons, had me make tea, and then just held me.

Seizures and Alzheimer's

2008-05-05T19:07:00.000-07:00

Apparently getting seizures in the late stages of Alzheimer's is not uncommon. Mom has been getting them quite regularly. She is treated for them with Ativan, which some say only control the tremors, but don't actually address the seizures themselves. But, her doctor says that seizure medication is extremely bad news for someone with Alzheimer's.

This weekend has been insane for Mom. After probably a month with no seizures, she's had one every single day apparently since Friday (so Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday). That's four days in a row!

After a seizure, Mom usually passes out for a few hours to a whole day. Sometimes, we just assume that she's had a seizure because she's passed out and can't be woken up. Sometimes, there are marks on her face or body which indicate that she's fallen, also a sign of a seizure. This weekend, several days she was found falling onto the floor from a seated position, apparently also a sign of a seizure.

If anyone knows anything about Alzheimer's and seizures or has experience with this, please mention this in comments. I'm confused about whether or not the seizures are a sign that she has declined, the seizures will cause a further decline, or both. I know that the former is certainly true.

Its heartbreaking, not just to me, but also to my sister and my dad. We aren't sure what exactly is happening, just that it isn't good. Many days, Mom can't be woken up at all, and she probably is barely eating or drinking. Luckily, my sister went up there tonight and made Mom drink two glasses of water. But, she said that Mom had to be moved from her wheelchair on to the couch, and that her legs appeared to not be functioning at all. The only thing that sis could make out that Mom said was "I don't know you." This isn't good.

Negative Coping Mechanisms

2008-05-04T21:37:00.000-07:00

What a day I've had! Before I left the house to walk my dog, I got a call from my dad that Mom had a seizure. She hadn't eaten anything, and no one could wake her up. They just left her on a couch in the "living room" because it was too hard to move her anywhere. And she hadn't been given her medication, which doesn't make sense to me (although I didn't say it to Dad), but she should get liquid Ativan when she has a seizure, so they only need to open her mouth to give it to her.

While I'm talking to my dad, I get a call from my credit card company. Yes, my credit card company called me on Sunday! So I knew that I had to take the call. They told me that they suspected that my card number has been stolen.

I made it to spinning class, crying a bit on the car ride over to the gym as I process what's happening to Mom. I arrive a bit late to my ex-girlfriend and the teacher. (That's the whole class!) I announce what's happened that morning and am a bit disappointed when the ex doesn't ask anything following up about my Mom.

When I get home, I have to rush to get to Costco to pick up a few things. I host book club at 2pm, so its a rush to get ready. Only 2 people show, and they show almost an hour late. Neither of them have read the book. The second person doesn't leave until 5pm.

At that point, I'm feeling a bit anxious about not having gotten any work done all weekend. So, I text the ex, who had said she'd be at a coffee shop doing work with another friend of ours. I asked her to text me. So since I hadn't heard, I texted her. I didn't hear back for an hour. I decided to eat quickly before going. Then, just as I was on my way out with my laptop and a pile of books, she calls to say that they're all leaving.

So now I'm super frustrated, with emotions and nerves just swimming around. I write for a bit, and then call my neighbors to see if they want to share the rest of the champaign from book club. They say to come over, although serve me a huge glass and then don't have any. To top it off, one of them just arrived back to town, so I'm feeling super awkward being there.

Now I'm home and just had a bit of a food binge. I still am feeling anxious and just completely off.

Here's some of what's adding on to my anxiety:
1. I had a super awkward therapy experience. Thursday, I missed my appointment because I was too focused finishing my dissertation proposal. Twenty minutes in to my appointment, my therapist called me. She suggested that we just talk on the phone until the phone is up. So, I told her about how I'm feeling anxious about the fact that I didn't have plans for the weekend. I had scheduled Saturday with this guy that I met online, but he had blown me off. I'm super disappointed about. She kept pushing me to just find someone else to hang out with or comfort myself in the feelings. As time was running out, I told her that I'm tired of having this conversation with her (we've done it several times in the past). It makes me feel very negative, and it disregards the core issues that are beneath. The issue is that I have a deep loneliness, a fear of being alone and not being loved, and a lack of self-esteem. She has to get off the phone to go to a meeting, but asks if I'm "okay." I am annoyed by this over-played script of blowing me off. So, instead of just saying yes and getting off the phone, I tell her that the world isn't going to end because I spend a weekend alone.

2. Augh I'm so disappointed that this guy blew me off. I know that part of what happened is that when I met him, I was still in conference/travel/exhaustion mode. So I was too formal and not open enough. I know that part of me is just not ready to be with someone, but I SOOO desperately want a partner.

Detoxing

2008-04-30T16:37:00.000-07:00

So as I mentioned in a previous post, I found out that I'm allergic to wheat. Since I started my wheat free diet about two weeks ago, I've been having all of these weird symptoms. I developed a yeast infection. I felt depressed and then, now, really angry. I've had some intestinal "issues".

I realize that all of these symptoms are about my body detoxing. I think that the anger is actually something that I've held on to inside for years, but been able to really drop in to. Like many women, I have a hard time letting myself feel anger. It quickly turns to depression.

I'm disappointed with my whole dating life. One guy ended up being SOO weird. The other guy is blowing me off completely. As I look back over my past relationships, I notice that many of my partners are so clearly wrong for me. There are very few that I look back on and can honestly say that knowing them as I do now that I really loved them. Often, I idealized them while we were dating and projected the person that I wanted them to be.

While my instinct is to just eat and drink myself into this period passing, I know that the best path is to just let myself do this detox, to let come whatever arises, and then let it pass when its ready.

Too Hard to Swallow

2008-04-21T13:29:00.000-07:00

I called my dad this morning while walking my dog. He told me that Mom is having a hard time swallowing pills these days; she just chews on them. So she's being moved to liquid medications for Ativan (which she takes to reduce seizures) a stool softener, and pain medication. She's being taken off Namenda and vitamins. Its a turn in the road from trying to extend her life to just making her comfortable.

Also, Mom's been having more seizures, so her Ativan is being increased which potentially means that she'll be sleeping more during the day and be more drowsy and out of it. At the same time, she's losing her ability to walk and get around. Pretty soon she'll be bed-ridden.

Last night, I had this great first date, walking on the beach with a guy who is an environmentalist and massage therapist for a living, plays music for fun, has a daughter that he is dedicated to, cares about politics, and just seems all around fantastic. Of course, my sense is that he's not AT ALL into me.

I went to the allergist today. I figure that if the migraines I get are triggered by food than perhaps that means I have food allergies. So, I got skin tested and found out that I'm allergic to WHEAT!!! Oy! There's wheat in EVERYTHING including, of course, matzah. So I'm charged with eliminating wheat completely from my diet for a month and then re-evaluate. I might be able to deal with the small amounts of wheat in processed foods at that point.

But, despite all of this, I'm actually in good spirits when I'm not mourning the above. I just completed my dissertation proposal (which tomorrow will be off to my committee for comments and revisions). It feels very good to be home. I attended a fantastic women's (mostly lesbian) seder two nights ago. And I'm appreciating that I DO have some really fantastic local friends - - Alena and Tara, Linda and Leslie, Jennifer, and Tonya. And I am very lucky to be in the situation that I'm in with my research team and excited to be coming to the last leg of my degree.

Homecoming After a Whirlwind Tour

2008-04-13T21:59:00.000-07:00

I just arrived home after 3 weeks away: I flew to Kansas City and arrived late after 10pm. Then, I drove the next morning in my Dad's car to St. Louis for a conference where I gave two presentations back to back over lunch. Then, a good friend of mine from Indianapolis drove in to spend the weekend with me.

Next, back to Kansas City for a visit with the family and a meeting with hospice. So, how was Mom? Everyone agrees that she's declining fast. She's still having seizures, and the Ativan helps less and less over time. Eventually we'll have to decrease the dose. And if we increase it anymore, Mom will likely be bedridden she'll be so out of it. But then again, she's developing what's called gate, which means that she is struggling to move around, shuffles her feet without getting very far, and sometimes just falls to the ground.

And then there's the issue of eating: Mom is losing weight, which is a sign that she's not getting enough to eat. Clearly, the staff at her facility aren't prompting her as much as she needs. But hospice won't admit that.

Mom looked small, frail, older, weaker, more confused, less responsive, and she's hard to move around. I brought her up frozen yogurt in her favorite flavor, white chocolate moose, but I had to actually feed it to her, and she would forget what it was that she was eating after every couple of bites.

I don't think that I'll probably see Mom again. I don't have plans to go back, and she can't survive for too long under these circumstances, that is clear. Well, I guess nothing is clear, since it was a full two years ago that my sister was told that my mom probably wouldn't live longer than 6 months.

After Kansas City, I flew to the Northwest for another conference. I got very drunk one night at a lesbian bar with classmates. I ended up seriously making out with my ex-girlfriend. She has a boyfriend by the way. What a mess! I'm so clearly still head over heels for her. So I had a talk with her yesterday about boundaries and put everything on the table of what's going on for me. She said that she'll try to respect the boundaries and apologized. She told me that if she wasn't with her boyfriend, she would want to date me. She's not going to tell him what happened; apparently they have some sort of agreement that if something happens while they're drunk at a bar, that its okay and not to tell the other person. What a messy drama.

Anyway, now that I'm back at home, I finally have time to deal with all of these emotions - the grief about my mother, regret about how things went with my ex as well as longing to have someone to share my life with, overwhelmed about how much work I have to do, anxiety about the future, and relief to finally be home again. I'm grateful for a good airline experience today, that I finally got over my cold that I caught in KC, to be back with my dog, and that I have so many friends and role models.

Searching for Center Admist Ups and Downs

2008-03-16T12:40:00.000-07:00

There's been so much to write about, but my energy level has been really low, so at the end of the day, I often log in to start writing, but don't get very far and then just delete it because nothings quite making sense. This week has been full of big ups and downs, as is usual for my life. I want to put some focus on trying to stay centered and not letting myself go so far up and so far down.

Some of the ups of the week: I finished teaching my class. I had several students tell me that the class greatly impacted them. One student came with me to do a poetry reading, and it was very powerful. Then we chatted for a long while and I gave her some tools for healing from rape (she's a recent survivor). It felt good to be able to do that for someone and to recognize how far I've come. Yesterday at my gym, the owner showed me how to do some new exercises and then did some acupressure on my neck.

Some of the downs of the week: I was turned down for a big fellowship that I spent a lot of time applying for. Mom's condition continues to worsen.

Some of the anxiety producing things of the week: Dad is spending a lot of energy on a relationship with some secret woman that he won't tell me or my sister about, and while I felt okay about his dating before, now I'm feeling kind of uncomfortable about the whole thing. I had a last minute workshop to throw together that I did yesterday. I was told to present for 10 minutes and show up and see that I'm supposed to co-facilitate an hour and a half workshop with another person that I've never met before. There's been more to do this week than time to do it in.

I'm starting to sleep a little better, although its still a struggle. I'm trying to put more energy and focus into taking care of myself. I leave for Kansas City in a week and a half. I'll be gone for three weeks - at two conferences and spending time with my family. But, after that, I will have an open schedule. I want to plan a mini-vacation, maybe back to Esalen or some meditation retreat somewhere.

Dropped by the Local Alzheimer's Association

2008-03-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

I am so hurt and angry. Here's what happened: I've been participating in a support group through the Alzheimer's Association for adult children of a parent with Alzheimer's. Last month, I got a call from the leader telling me that she would no longer be leading the group. I called the Alzheimer's Association and spoke with someone on three separate occasions. Despite that I offered to find someone to lead the group and to make calls to group participants, the Association has COMPLETELY blown me off, given me contradictory information, and at one point came out and told me that the group isn't a priority.

One of the things I was told is that there's a group with another organization to go to that's about parents with aging parents. But, I was given the wrong address, so after a long day and missing my workout to make the timing, I drove around looking for an address that doesn't exist.

At that point, I'm also without enough time to get home for long before my next meeting, which is held in the same building as the Alzheimer's Association. So, I decided to go and see if there was someone to talk to face to face about all of this. And there was, but this guy blew me off and pretended like he really cares when he's the same one I spoke with on the phone and has been messing me around for the last month.

And on my mother's birthday!

Roller Coaster Ride of Stress

2008-03-07T09:42:00.000-08:00

Thanks for checking up and nudging me, April. I apologize to all of my readers for having been lax in posting. I have been on this roller coaster ride of stress and emotions. Things with my class have been intense - going very well or with very big problems. Preparing for it has taken a huge chunk of my life. Luckily next week is the last week.

To add to that, Mom is not doing well. She's losing weight rapidly, becoming less and less mobile, less responsive to people other than the other residents (apparently they have these non-nonsensical conversations), and just generally on a fast moving decline. Its upsetting to hear, especially because, as consistent with how things have been, is not getting the level of treatment that I think she should.

Add to that trying to fit in writing fellowship applications and doing research for my team, I've just been this ball of stress. Every night, the stress level increases so much that I eat and drink to soothe it. Then, I feel relaxed and can fall asleep, but wake up around 3 am feeling sick and stressed and am struggle to fall back asleep. So, I'm stressed and then exhausted and then trying to function at this lower level and then fall behind, become more stressed, use more bad coping mechanisms, and become more exhausted. I'm in a bad cycle right now.

But, I spoke pretty openly about it yesterday with my therapist. She told me, as she often does, that I need to learn how to take care of myself, to soothe myself when I'm feeling anxious and stressed. It broke the cycle for me - and then I went to acupuncture today and then got a massage and had dinner with the massage therapist. Now, I'm feeling a lot calmer and more in control of my emotions. But, this is my struggle right now - trying to manage the anxiety even in the midst of chaos.

I mean in the time that I write this post, I found out that Mom had a seizure today and had to deal with all of the drama surrounding that. Augh! Grr! Such anguish to have your mother not be well. My massage therapist (who also does astrology) said that I'm going through a period of deep transition and so I need to really mine all that comes up for me now and give in to the fact that its just a hard time.

So, I should try to come back more regularly to blogging. I think that it will help me find time to deal with my thoughts and get them out of my head instead of constantly nagging at me. Thanks to all of you who continue to read my posts and send me support.

Rejection

2008-02-23T10:41:00.000-08:00

I've been working on this article for the last year. My advisor had been asked to write something for a new journal and worked out for them to solicit something from me. It was related to my thesis but needed to be significantly reworked to fit their guidelines. Anyway, I spent probably 100 hours on this article, working often while in Kansas City, often working on it instead of spending time with my mom.

I'm so angry and disheartened and depressed by the news. It feels horrible to be rejected when I thought my article was already kinda accepted. I can't believe how much time is down the drain!!!!

I would love to spend the night tonight be comforted by a friend or something. But, no one's around apparently. I'm going to get a facial and then have a quiet night at home.

Exhaustion: A Familiar Feeling

2008-02-19T20:47:00.000-08:00

I feel completely and totally exhausted. I'm so exhausted that I want to cry, but I can't let myself sit down long enough to do so. Last Friday, I had intended to go to a vigil, but I was stuck meeting with an advisor until 5:30pm, so I couldn't go. I worked most of the weekend, and even on Saturday when I got a massage, I couldn't stop myself from talking to the therapist. My body is on such a run mode, that even when I'm relaxing, I can't stop from these constant thoughts. I can't really relax in this state.

I won't bother you with any more details of my running around, but suffice it to say that I have almost no time for myself. And I'm so behind with work that I'm no longer working very efficiently or effectively.

Mom is doing really badly - she's completely incontinent now, she's barely walking anymore, she won't eat unless nudged and reminded. I can't get anyone from hospice to call me back, and I just feel crappy knowing that she's doing so badly and there's nothing I can do.

I know that I need to not be working so hard and such long hours, but I'm so behind with work, its hard to stop. As my mother compares to disappear, I find myself more and more wanting someone to take care of me, and really feeling the loss of not having someone to do that. I'm almost angry at other people for not taking care of me and feeling like people who cannot do so are not worth my time right now. I know that the first step really is to learn to take care of myself.

Happy V-Day!

2008-02-14T20:28:00.000-08:00

Today is Valentine's Day and V-Day, a day to challenge sexual violence against women. I met one of the editor's of the book you see pictured here. Its pretty fantastic; I recommend that you check it out.

I'm also feeling a bit lonely and depressed, despite that I am surrounded by friends and good people. But, I lack a partner, a person to share my life with who I would like to honor today. If that person existed. Instead, its just me and the dog!

I should be finishing up this paper that I thought was due tomorrow but I just got an email saying that I can have until March 1. That's good because I haven't felt much like working all day. I haven't been feeling very focused in awhile actually. I'm having an allergic reaction to something, not sure what, but I'm covered in hives all over my body, the worst of which is on my thumb. Plus, I've had some mild chest pains off and on. Luckily, I have an appointment to get acupuncture tomorrow, and my healer has an expertise in handling allergies.

Someone near by was murdered recently for being gay. Its pretty sad and angering. I'm hoping to go to a vigil. And then Saturday will be my healing day as I'm getting a massage and probably staying in with a movie. Sunday, I promised my friends that I'd go out to the club with them because there's no school Monday. However, an old friend is coming in town to give a talk that I organized. She leaves Tuesday; I teach Wednesday. Do you feel exhausted just hearing about this all? In between, I've got research work to do, fellowships to apply for, and more conference papers to write.

I'm looking forward to a few months from now when I don't have the teaching responsibilities, have these conferences behind me and can focus on getting some research done. I'm also looking forward to the day when I'm in a relationship again. But, in the meantime, I'm going to try to enjoy the present moment.

Vote: Its Important!

2008-02-10T11:35:00.000-08:00

Just a reminder that it is very important to vote in both the primary and the Nov. election. If you're not sure who to vote for, check out this site which will tell you which candidate best fits your ideas: www.speakout.com/VoteMatch.

Time Flies, Same Patterns Emerge

2008-02-07T15:58:00.000-08:00

I apologize for not posting for awhile. I've become buried in teaching my class this quarter. Today I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all. After some recent conversations with students, an in-class assignment checking how much they're understanding, and mid-quarter evaluations, I see that half of my students are afraid to talk much in class because they feel like the other half is going to feel offended. And the other half of the class is sick of hearing offensive comments by the first half. Both sides seem to blame me.

I showed a movie "Narrow Bridge" last night at Hillel, which was a HUGE disappointment. Hillel apparently did not even publicize the event, despite promises to me that they would. So hardly anyone showed up.

And so what's the pattern? I feel overwhelmed by my current situation, and I feel unsupported. I feel like I have to just get through it and hope that something better will be in my future. But, I always just end up feeling this same way again. Its like as much as time flies and things change, these patterns don't go anywhere.

I'm frustrated at the way that things are going with my current therapist. On days when I feel upset towards the end of a session, she tells me that we're nearing the end of our time, and then a few minutes later picks up her date book (even though we now have regular appointments) but to signal to me that its time for me to leave. It makes me feel like no matter what I'm feeling, I'm stuck with it until our next session next week. Too bad for me. I even called her today to tell her that I'm feeling this, because a couple of sessions ago, she told me that she thinks I don't take in how much she truly cares about me. Well HELLO this is why.

I'm feeling exhausted today after much running around, in part made more insane by a classmate coming in to town and last minute expecting me to turn my plans around to take her places. I have to pick up my mentee in an hour and spend the evening with her and a meeting of the organization. Then, tomorrow, I'm meeting with my research team. Saturday, I've got plans to take a day off to go to a meditation workshop. Sunday, planning for classes on Monday -- and that cycle won't end until next week Wednesday night.

I want to find some new way of being where I can remain grounded, where I can feel supported, where I'm being productive with my time and energy instead of running around in these stupid pattern cycles. I want to have someone to freakin come home to at the end of a day to give me a hug and just breathe with. I think that the meditation will help a bit, but really there needs to be a major shift that I'm not exactly sure how to make happen.

Good Times, Friend Dies

2008-01-28T20:35:00.000-08:00

So last night I met on old friend at one of my favorite bars for a drink. He's leaving town, and it was nice to have time to catch up. It was funny though, he asked me: "So why is it that all of your friends are either Jewish or lesbians?"

Then, I went over to a friend's place where a group of us meet every Sunday to watch the "L Word." Even though I got there late, they waited for me. We were laughing and commenting on the show. After it ended, we sat around and talked and played the Wi that someone just bought.

Until we got the call. A friend of ours died Sunday night. She had been not feeling well for months now. I didn't know this because we weren't that close, but apparently she was having very low blood sugar and lots of other symptoms. The doctors either would tell her that there wasn't anything wrong or send her away. She often ended up in urgent care, and the doctors there wouldn't pay too much attention to her. The bills from that added up until she owed so much that the hospital didn't want to treat her anymore. She struggled to find any medical care.

She went to her parents' home to try to get better. Last week, she finally got a diagnosis: Addison's Disease. And then, she just died.

We were all in shock. I stayed around until 12:30 am comforting my friends and trying to process. I'm VERY ANGRY that my friend died this very preventable death because doctors tend not to take women seriously and because we don't have affordable health care in this country. I'm sad to see my friends in pain. And, I'm thinking about how hard it is to lose my Mom.

When Death Approaches, You Think About Death

2008-01-24T21:58:00.000-08:00

As Mom's death approaches, its making us all think about death. My sister and her husband are finally getting around to putting together a will. After some discussion, they've going to leave me their kids. Its a big thing because we've all not been getting a long for some time. They admitted that they've talked about giving the kids to my brother in law's sister who lives in LA (but hardly sees the kids and my sis really doesn't like) or friends, but they've decided that no one has a better connection with the kids than me.

Permission to Heal Poem

2008-01-22T09:21:00.000-08:00

My therapist gave me this poem. I think its a very JewBu message and that you might also be struggling with these issues. So here it is:

"Wild Geese"
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
on the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Body Says: Take Better Care of Me

2008-01-19T21:10:00.000-08:00

Well, after working myself to the bone to be prepared for class and writing this last minute paper for my research team (because this other paper fell through...long story), my body said to me: "Girl, you better start taking care of me." I started getting congested, tired, achey, super cold. So, after I finished my paper on Thursday, I've been at home resting, trying to heal. Last night, I developed a migraine.

I go through these cycles of pushing myself too hard and then either getting sick or getting a migraine or both. I think its a message from my body to take better care of myself, like a slap in the tuchus to get better balance in my life.

My homework from therapy this week is to think about the people in my life who are good for me. See, I tend to be attracted to people who aren't good for me, who will take me for granted, not see my needs as valid, not be good at communication....I do this because of a pattern that I developed as child. As much as I try to deny it, I am like my mother in this way: I try to take care of others and get connected to those who will take and take from me without seeing my needs as valid. People who do meet my needs, I don't notice because I've been trained that only those who abuse me really love me.

So, let's notice the people who have been meeting my needs this week.

My friend Alena stopped by my agriculturist's and picked up Chinese herbs for me.
NJG called and offered to run to the store for me or drop by movies.
My neighbor returned my humidifier and kept me company.
My acupuncturist got herbs ready for me and gave me a box of herbs for colds (which I think she's giving me for free). She's going to let me pay for the former next time I come in.
This woman sitting in on my class pulled up a video that she wants us to watch in class.
My friend Nicole is hosting an L-word party at her house, and I'm invited.
My team is making me first author on our paper.
Many of my blog readers have given me supportive comments, even though I've been off line.

I think that my task for the near future is to learn how to ask for what I want, to notice those who give me what I need, and to keep learning how to take care of myself. Oh, and by the way, I finally get that I'm not ready to date until I can figure all of this out.

Happy Anniversary

2008-01-10T19:35:00.000-08:00

Exactly 11 years ago, I moved to Israel. Read here for the rest of the story. I came home today and ended up curled up on the couch. I felt bad about it for a bit, and then remembered what day it is and decided to be a little easy on myself.

Its been a rough week. I spoke with Steph that I don't want to see anymore because she hit on my friend's girlfriend. She asked if she apologized to my friend and made it okay, if that would change things. So, she went on to send some weird rambly, horribly spelled email where she recited everything that she knows about me. And then she didn't even send it to my friend, just to me.

And as she's also sending me like 10 text messages, my father calls me to "get my opinion." Then he goes on to tell me that there's some money set aside from my grandparents' that he can't touch, but he's planned on having that money taxed (even though it could be exempted) - and so we'll only get half. Then, he sort of tried to trade me not having the money taxed for having some sort of generation skipping trust be set up so that money doesn't go to my sister and I at all but is saved for our descendants. He went off on how he doesn't trust my sister. And then he admitted that he plans on taking the last bit of money left for us by my grandmother. The whole thing freaked me out. He said - soon everything will be final and nothing will be able to be changed; we have to act fast if we're going to do anything. I told him that I don't want Mom's will changed and that he's got enough to worry about taking care of Mom.

I'm going to be okay this year. Its all just making me feel tired and lethargic and unfocused. But tomorrow I'm getting a massage and have therapy and tonight I'm skyping with a good friend. So, I know I'm not alone in this and that this time will pass. I have to just let myself feel the feelings, and then let them float away.

More Family Strife

2008-01-06T13:12:00.000-08:00

So, my sister went down to Florida to go to my grandmother's condo for one last time before it gets sold by Dad. Sis and I fought with Dad a bit after he got rid of a bunch of her stuff without telling us. Dad said it would be okay if when my sis was there that she'd take some things and send some to me.

My sister sent me a couple of sentimental things that were left including a couple of items that I bought them in Israel. I really appreciate having things of my family members who have passed because I think that it brings a bit of their energy into my home space. When I look around my home, I see many things that belonged to one of my grandparents (who have all passed away), and it comforts me.

Anyway, so sis was told that she would have to not be at the condo for several days because Dad's best friend would be staying there. My sister was annoyed because money is very tight for her, but took her kids to Orlando for that time. When she returned, the place had been emptied out. She heard from the security guard that Dad's friend had two large vans/trucks that they filled up.

I had suggested to her that she take this painting that I knew meant a lot to her and hide it somewhere out of the condo. She took it to my aunt's condo which is in the same building.

Dad called me today pretty early and left me a message. I was worried that something was wrong with Mom. But, Dad just wanted to know what sis had sent me. I told him, and then he told me that he only asked because he wants to know where that painting is. It is worth a lot of money, and he had promised his best friend that she could have it. If sis doesn't know where it is, he may call the cops and file a report with insurance to get the money for it.

I tried to explain to him that I don't think that we should be focusing on arguing with each other over money and material things, but instead focus on Mom. I told him these are our grandparents' things and that, like when other relatives passed, the family should have "first dibs" on their things before they're given away to someone else. Dad told me that whatever is in the condo isn't my grandparents' anymore, they're his things.

I then called my sister to warn her that Dad might call the cops. She was appalled, and said that she can't believe that after his angry behavior to Mom's Mom all these years, he has the nerve to be so disrespectful to her things.

I'm frustrated because my family is acting so dysfunctional towards each other, and Dad is so clearly more focused on keeping money away from my sister and I instead of focusing on how to be supportive to us OR at least keep focused on Mom. I'm tired of all of this fighting and strife.

Things Fall Apart, I Build New Things

2008-01-01T20:22:00.000-08:00

A lot of things in my life are falling apart. See the last post about one relationship. The woman that I've been seeing at home, well my friend told me that this new girl had hit on her girlfriend in front of HER in a very inappropriate and rude way. Then, things with Cory...well, we had a conversation tonight because I've gotten this sense that he's not that into me but that he sleeps with me just to be sleeping with someone. Picture it: we're sitting at a bar, and he basically confirms all of my suspicions. Its all been about having someone to sleep with, and he's been too hurt in the past to open up to me in any real way, even as friends. So, I told him that I couldn't go home tonight and have any self respect. He was very sweet and wanted to apologize if he's hurt me at all, but I told him he should leave. When he did, I couldn't help but hold back the tears.

And here's the story with Mom: She hasn't responded to me at all the whole time I've been here. She can't really talk even in complete sentences. And then today she started choking. She wasn't eating or drinking. She just choked on her saliva or something. I think its a very bad sign that she's losing control of her swallowing muscles. I called up her hospice nurse, who hadn't heard anything about it and said that she'll come check on her tomorrow and have some tests done.

Certain things in life have to fall apart - Mom is going to die. I need independence from my father. It never would've worked out with Cory (he wants a completely different life than me and is a bit conservative and very politically apathetic). Its sad and scary to have things fall apart.

What I have to focus on is how to not fear too much losing things, to allow myself to feel the feelings that arise from all of this, AND THEN to shift focus onto the things that I want to build in my life and baby step by baby step move towards that. It was interesting as I tried to explain this sort of thing to Cory, Cory kept saying that he is trying to avoid the pain of his life and doesn't want to have to be real because that would only cause him more pain. What I think I need to do though is to face my pain. I have to be grateful for the things that my pain will teach me and the ways in which it'll help me grow.

This may sound very healthy and strong, but let me tell you, I'm VERY afraid. I'm afraid of not having anyone to have sex with. I'm afraid of my mom dying a horrible death. I'm afraid of not having a relationship with my father and of not having any family. I'm afraid of what the future holds. BUT, I'm going to try to face these fears and move past them.

Creepy, Angry Men

2007-12-28T21:18:00.001-08:00

So there's been a guy that I've been no-strings-attached having pretty hot and steamy sex with for the last several months. We don't go out or do much else other than have sex.

Tonight he contacted me, saying that he had a really rough Christmas. So I invited him over. He told me the whole story, getting angry and raising his voice and mocking how his daughter called him abusive. I felt like I was listening to my dad, and it really creeped me out. He also said that the only thing that controls his anger sometimes is pot and that he doesn't have any friends in the world other than me, and maybe one other guy who isn't in town right now.

I wove it into the conversation that I'm starting to date someone else and probably won't want to sleep with him once I start sleeping with this other person. He just picked his stuff up and left.

I'm feeling really creeped out by his behavior and that once again I was attracted to someone who has an angry, verbal abusive tendency. How? Oy! Anyway, I refuse to believe that this is how most people are. I think that the more that I heal, the more that I will be attracted to better, less abusive people. I'm a little worried about what he's going go to do with himself. He's 40 years old, bipolar, in a depressed phase, self-medicates with pot and alcohol, and doesn't seem to have a sense of how to deal with his emotions. I fear that he might be suicidal, although he hasn't mentioned anything.

But, I have to focus on getting myself together to go to Kansas City tomorrow. Wish me a safe flight!

Should I Sue Dad?

2007-12-26T15:27:00.000-08:00

There have been big issues with my grandparents' estate since my grandmother died last here. My aunt arranged to get more than her fair share by taking advantage of being my grandmother's caretaker. And it is becoming more and more clear that my father is working to take my mother's share of the inheritance even though it is set up to go to me and my sister after she passes. My good friend from high school, who is a lawyer, has been pushing me to consider suing him after Mom passes, and until now I've been against it. But, I'm starting to wonder about it.

Clearly, Dad is going to remarry after Mom passes. He'll probably leave Mom's money to his new wife. And my grandparents were very concerned about setting up their grandchildren and would not be happy about the money being left to my father. Also, my father is using a power of attorney for my mom to make these decisions that was set up after Mom's Alzheimer's had progressed to the point that she was no longer able to make these sorts of decisions. Now, I think that she would clearly want my Dad to make health decisions for her, I don't know if she would be comfortable with him changing my grandparents' estate to take the money. It makes me especially frustrated too because I've had to fight Dad to get certain things for my Mom.

If I do sue Dad, he'll likely not want anything more to do with me. And granted, I'd be pretty fine with this because he's been abusive my whole life and it would be probably a blessing to not have to have that in my life anymore. But, I can't decide if I would feel comfortable doing it. Nothing would happen until after Mom passes.

Just to give you some context, we're talking about $2 million. What do you think?

Dreams

2007-12-26T13:19:00.000-08:00

I've been having a lot of vivid dreams lately. Last night was particularly vivid. This guy that I had an amazing romantic affair with in Egypt when we were both like 19 years old. In the dream, there was some sort of adventure, and I would say this dream fits into the series of dreams that I've had for years about struggling against evil forces. It felt good to have a partner in the dream; Jason (the guy) and I just ran into each other, and then all the feelings were there.

I haven't thought about him in a long time. After we both left Egypt, he went on to a study abroad program in Africa. I started having serious health issues and had to drop out of school. He dropped me before he came back to the States, and I never saw him again. I think that the heart break made my health problems worse.

As I'm procrastinating here at my computer, I decided to google him. He's got a webpage with a picture which looking at made me tear up. He's a professor now, and I find it ironic that we've both traveled down this academia path. I won't contact him, but it was interesting to look at someone from my past. In all of my pictures of Egypt, he was backlighted and dark, so you couldn't make out his face. I used to joke that it was as if I had made him up. But, there he was at his alma matter, looking serious and older.

Dreams are funny. Its interesting these connections that we have to people in our past, even after we think we move past them.

As I breathe in, I acknowledge all of the love that we had and the pain that he put me through. As I breathe out, I let go of my attachment to him and of the pain.
And then, I wish him well and go back to work.

Survivor Needs MEME

2007-12-23T19:25:00.000-08:00

Marj at Survivors Can Thrive has created a MEME about what survivors like myself need and want, and she's tagged me! The rules, according to her, are at the end. The point of this MEME is that we learn to take better care of our needs in the coming year. So here goes:

What I Need

I need good sleep for 8 hours a night. It doesn't come easy, so I need to practice cognitive behavioral therapy and sometimes even take anti-anxiety medication.
I need to feel supported and cared for and noticed.
I need to eat well and avoid triggering foods.
I need to exercise regularly to relieve stress and release endorphins.
I need to stay present with my feelings and not try to push them down or avoid them.
I need to learn how to enjoy the present moment instead of getting lost in memories of the pasts or fears about the future.
I need to be able to reclaim my sexuality in a healthy way.
I need to tell people what I want, to surround myself with people who respect my boundaries and give me what I need.
I need to develop healthy self-esteem.
I need a community.
I need to be working to make the world a better place.
I need to talk about my feelings and experience, to be heard and supported in my quest.
I need to be free from people who abuse and misuse me.
I need time to myself, to just be, to snuggle with my dog.
I need to be believed when I tell my story or tell others what I need.

What I Want

I want chocolate, wine, comfort food.
I want something to take the pain and suffering away.
I want lots and lots of good friends.
I want hot, steamy sex.
I want to succeed in my career.
I want a life partner.
I want a vacation.
I want a cure for Alzheimer's.
I want my Mom back.
I want pictures of my family and from my childhood.
I want my cousins, Kathy, and *A to start talking to me again.
I want to eliminate sexual violence.

Rules of the "Survivor Needs" Meme:

Please link back to this post so people can see the origins of the meme, get ideas for their own self-care list, see who's already been tagged, and maybe we can track how far this meme goes.
List 25 needs and five wants. Try to restrict your needs list to things that have to do with being a survivor of some sort of abuse, assault, etc. Your wants list can be anything...you want!
Use this list to remind yourself to get your needs met this holiday season and in the New Year.
Pass on the meme and tag people to play the meme with you.

Survivors I'm Tagging

Update on Dad's Health

2007-12-18T18:21:00.001-08:00

My sister called me this afternoon to tell me that Dad got the results of his recent testing - turns out he has a 1" aneurysm in his aorta. If it gets much bigger, he'll have to have surgery, and it could possibly rupture at anytime and kill him. Dad, of course, has no plans to change his high cholesterol, high fat diet or start getting any sort of aerobic exercise.

Getting Back to My Quest

2007-12-18T16:15:00.000-08:00

I've had this realization that I need to separate from my father. My whole life he has been abusive - calling me names, yelling, manipulating, lying, controlling, and crossing boundaries inappropriately. He has never been emotionally supportive of me, although he's been richly financially supportive as well as friendly to me in order to get me under his control. He'll go through periods of being nice, but inevitably the abuse will return.

The only way forward is to become completely independent of him. I can't learn to rid myself of the effects of the abuse if I'm in a situation to encounter again, especially in this repeated and consistent manner. I cannot remain dependent upon him for anything - not financial advice, not details about my mom. I talked with Hospice, and they said that they'll give updates to either my sister or I as well as Dad. And I'm going to have to let go of having input on what happens to Mom. The decisions are in Dad's hands. This is what Mom wanted, so I'm not going to keep going through all of this turmoil trying to fight with him over what I think is best.

I have been falling into a bit of depression, and I think that part of it is this anger that I have towards both my parents - my father for being abusive and my mother for allowing him to be this way and never standing up for me. I'm also angry with myself for not standing up for myself sooner and for not valuing my own safety. I have to express that anger and get it out of my system, or else it will turn in on me into depression.

I think that the next step in my quest is going to be to say goodbye to my mom, to come to terms with my anger, to find my independence from my father, and to work on creating a positive and healthy life for myself with people who will not abuse me. Instead of being with my family who NEVER valued my needs, I need to surround myself with people who recognize my needs and will support them getting met.

Changed My Flight

2007-12-14T12:16:00.000-08:00

After a long day and night of stressing about it, I decided to still go to KC, but just for much less time. I changed my ticket to fly out the 29th instead of the 20th. My sister is going to let me stay at her place even though she won't be there. She also said I can borrow their car. I told her that maybe by then Dad will be in better spirits and will pick me up and let me drive Mom's car (that he clearly keeps only so that I have something to drive when I come to town).

Changing my ticket cost me $143 and renting a car, if I do that will cost $200. A hotel will cost an extra $400-500. The issue isn't that I can't come up with that money, but after traveling already 3 times this year to Kansas City, having to pay $20/day to have my dog watched, cab fare to and from the airport in Santa Barbara, this really adds up.

I'm still not excited to go, and I think that my friends will all be out of town for all or most of that time too, but this is my way to have more time at home and still make it to Kansas City. And now I don't have to stay at Dad's. I still have plans on New Year's without having to stress out about it (although I get a bad feeling about the situation with Cory), I can still spend some time with Mom.

"Don't Put Her Call Through"

2007-12-13T10:37:00.000-08:00

So hospice organized an informational meeting with the family and facility today. I was going to participate on speaker phone and woke up early and reorganized my schedule. Then, I get a call from my sister just before the meeting was to begin saying that Dad says I can't participate on the call because I'm too controlling and told the person at the front desk that if I call not to put my call through. I'm very hurt and angry.

I've decided that if I do go to Kansas City, then I'm not staying with him. He's out of control with these hurtful, angry statements, and I'm not going to put myself in that environment. I wonder if its worth going now at all - my sister and her kids won't be there for most of the time because they're going to Florida. I'm going to have to rent a car and maybe get a hotel. Its going to be expensive. I won't have a good separate office space with which to work. I don't want to see my father. And I don't know if there's much to do for Mom at this point. She doesn't know who I am and doesn't much respond to me. Its always horribly emotional to travel, takes a lot out of me, and puts me behind with work.

What if I just stayed here and went to Esalen for New Year's? I could catch up with work and have some relaxation. What if I went just to KC for a couple of days around New Year's? I think its a shame to not be there for Mom, but she was the one who chose my father. She chose to marry him and for him to be in charge of all these decisions. I don't have to keep choosing to have him be a part of my life. This is hard enough as it is to deal with without his abuse.

Dad's Calling Names, Family's Falling Apart

2007-12-10T14:16:00.000-08:00

So, my sister called me this morning from Costco. She ran into Dad, who looked at her and asked "how's the little [name of my aunt]? That's what you are: a little [name of my aunt]." Now if you've been following my blog, you know that my family fell apart because of arguments between my father and my mom's sister, who my father despises, so you can imagine what an insult that is. Then, he just walked off.

When I spoke with Dad later in the morning, he told me the whole story and like trying to argue with me. Then, he got off the phone.

I don't know what to do. I feel so depressed to have the rest of my family fall apart in this time where we really need to be sticking together. I called in Dad's best friend to help, but my sister is almost definitely going to go to Florida when I'm there. So, I can stay at their place, however, it'll be weird and won't get to see my niece and nephew. My sister is going to stop going to dinner with my parents, which means Dad will have to stop taking Mom out.

Family Power Struggles

2007-12-09T16:46:00.000-08:00

I just heard back from my sister who had dinner with Mom and Dad out tonight, despite the fact that there's horrible ice on the roads. Apparently Dad finally shared that he's put Grandma's condo on the market under value for a quick sell, and he's paid someone to go in and get rid of all of Grandma's personal effects. We're both really annoyed, especially my sister, who had left some of her own things there last time she went to visit because Dad said he didn't have plans to sell the place right away.

AND after I'm doing all of the research, Dad apparently told my sis that he is planning on ordering the blood test for Alzheimer's. I still have to arrange on my own the early onset genetic testing, but now I have details as to how to go about it.

My sis claims she's going to Florida asap, which means that she probably won't be in town when I get there. She wants to get to Grandma's condo before it sells, even if the stuff is gone.

So now I feel like there are these huge power struggles going on - Dad's not being honest, sis is focused on herself. But, Dad is certainly not communicating well with either me or my sister, and I'm really sick of his manipulating behavior. I'm sick of him keeping me in the dark. I'm frustrated that he's been going forward spending his time on the condo when Mom's had such health issues, and he's been using the excuse that he doesn't have time to get her proper care.

Feeling Down

2007-12-08T18:19:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling very lazy and a bit down lately. The pink eye is just finally healing - turns out it wasn't an infection, but just an allergic reaction. I've been napping every day, barely working because its been too difficult to read with the pink eye.

Mom has been registered with hospice, which will bring her lots more services and really help her. But, as happy as I am to have help get this for her, it is still sad. See, hospice is only ordered for people who are not expected to live longer than 6 months. So, its not a nice hurdle to pass.

She still isn't on any anti-seizure medication because the house doctor that Dad finally met with says that seizures don't cause someone to pass out, so he isn't convinced that's what she's having. I spoke with someone from the Alzheimer's Association who said that was b.s. though. Luckily, on the 18th, a week and a half away, she'll see the neurologist who saw her last month at the hospital. So, hopefully, he can come up with some sort of treatment game plan.

I can't make myself work even now that my eye has healed up enough. I just feel really lonely. My mom is dying, and I want to talk to someone about it; I want someone to come over here and comfort me and fall asleep next to me and hold me and tell me that everything's going to be okay. Even though everything isn't going to be okay. Mom is going to die. Dad is really struggling. We all feel overwhelmed and scared.

So, for tonight, I should focus on work and then go to this party. I don't feel like socializing. I am annoyed that Penni has been majorly blowing me off, and I feel like she thinks if I'm not going to have a fling with her that she doesn't want to bother with me. I'm a little peeved about it.

Arguments, Ambulances, Seizures, and Pink Eye

2007-12-04T11:40:00.000-08:00

Last Friday, Mom was bleeding from her ear. Mom's home called Dad at 5:30 am wanting to call an ambulance, but Dad refused. He told me some story about how she's all okay, and Mom doesn't need to go to the hospital unless she's bleeding profusely.

My sister pointed out that Mom was probably bleeding internally and that this is serious. But Dad wouldn't budge. There's an appointment to see the home doctor on Thursday. My sis and I have been arguing with Dad about getting Mom medical care. But, dad won't budge.

I developed pink eye after having my eye lashes tinted. Dad had pink eye last week or two weeks ago. I think a part of the infection for me is my body trying to tell me to stop over empathizing with Dad. I have to focus on taking care of myself and let go of this focus on him.

This morning, I was awoken by calls from my sister and dad. Mom had a big seizure this morning and was unresponsive so the facility called 911. Dad is pissed that he wasn't called and went to the hospital and took her back to the facility even though Mom had taken a lot of ativan to prevent further seizures and could barely keep her eyes open.

I spoke with Dad's best friend today on the phone about it. She's a nurse. She said that the bleeding last Friday was probably seizure related. And Mom NEEDS to be put on an anti-seizure medication asap. Hopefully Dad will listen.

Genetic Testing

2007-11-28T17:39:00.000-08:00

Augh! My father can be SOOO frustrating sometimes. I called him tonight to hear about how my sister's kids get on his nerves and then the fight starts. Dad tells me that his doctor said that he can order genetic testing for Mom to find out if she has a strain of Alzheimer's that they know has certain genetic markers. I've been working on getting this done for ages!!! See here for a post I wrote last year about it. But, he's not going to do it because he can't be bothered and he doesn't see a point since it can't for certain say whether or not she has Alzheimer's.

I'm so frustrated because I went along with him ordering that Mom will get an autopsy after she passes just to get this testing done, but he clearly has forgotten about that. He doesn't care. He just wants the autopsy to prove to himself that its Alzheimer's. Its so BS. Clearly, she has Alzheimer's. Her symptoms are SOOOO classic, and if were something else then why wouldn't he make some sort of attempt to figure it out and treat it.

I want the genetic testing done because I want some sort of better indication if I'm going to get Alzheimer's. And I can't find a doctor who will do it for me because only certain ones can do it, and the guy I found here said he has ethical issues with doing the test on me and recommended having it done for Mom.

I'm tired of his argumentativeness, his controlling behavior, and the way that he'll say whatever just to change the subject and get what he wants.

He's going forward with selling Mom's condo FAST even though my sister noted that Grandma's possessions are there and should be gone through to see if there are heirlooms. Dad claims that Mom's sis probably took out anything valuable already. I didn't have the energy to argue that something doesn't have to be worth a lot of money to be an heirloom.

AUGH! I'm so sick of my family BS. I am not looking forward to my trip to KC. And then there's another one in March/April. After that, I'm done for the year. Seriously, maybe I'll go back the next September or December, but there's no more than three trips MAX. No more 5 trips/year like this year. My early New Year's resolution is to stop sacrificing myself so much for my family instead of focusing on building my life here and working on my career. I don't need to let them walk all over me, especially since there's not much more to do for Mom anymore and its not like I'm actually successful in most of my efforts anyway.

Ah Vacation!

2007-11-26T21:49:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, vacation was so nice. My friend, P, and I took a trip to San Francisco. I LOVE SF! It was great -we went shopping, stayed at a fantastic little inn that made fantastic breakfasts, ate great food, went dancing at a queer women party.... It was a little awkward at times because P has made it clear that she has a thing for me, and she's not exactly supporting my desire to not move past friendship. She was snuggling all night, flirting with me all day. It was good for my ego on some level, but it still made me feel not seen and kinda not respected. Its like she decided that being with me is something that she wants, and she's trying to achieve that without care about what I want or need.

I am glad to be home. Although its all of a sudden back into the family drama. Dad is going forward selling Mom's condo. My sis is freakin about it and wants to go stay there over Winter Break when I'm in town. Dad wants me to come with his friends for New Years and sis won't even think about the holiday until she figures out what she's doing. Sis is trying to manipulate Dad into paying for the trip.

So what do I want to do for New Year's? Ask Cory to go out even though he may need to go to the synagogue's event with his family? Go with my friend Merissa out on the town like last year? Dinner with Dad and his friends? Try and organize Dad and sis and everyone to do something together with Mom?

I am enjoying having no big problems right now. These aren't crises. I have lots of plans with lots of different people. I'm enjoying the calm of vacation.

Feeling Emotional

2007-11-20T16:56:00.000-08:00

In therapy today, I just couldn't stop crying. I talked about how even though I knew not to put too much into things with NJG that I still felt kinda heartbroken. I talked about how hard it is for me to be single and how I have this need to share my life with someone. I talked about being frustrated that I'm struggling with sleep issues and have to be somewhat rigid about going to bed and waking up at a certain time so that I can follow the cognitive behavioral treatment for my insomnia. I've had to start taking medication again to sleep, and I am really wary of it since I had such a hard time stopping before. At the end of the session, I noted that I'm PMSing majorly and about date starting to date.

I've also got a migraine coming on. I tried taking low dose aspirin and 5-htp to prevent it, but it isn't working. I'm going to take some mega combo of advil and tylenol after dinner.

But, Cory called me which makes me feel better. He said that he isn't not calling me that often not because he's not interested in me but just because he's busy. I'm not so sure. But, it is nice to have seeing him in KC to look forward to.

Dad Dating

2007-11-16T20:59:00.001-08:00

Well, as this third in my series on dating, my father called me up tonight to tell me that he wants to start dating. He invited a woman over to the house on a date, but she canceled last minute and wrote him a letter saying that she doesn't feel comfortable dating a married man and that she thinks its a betrayal to his family. So he called me up to see if I think its a betrayal.

I told him that I'm supportive of that. And that one day I'll set up a jdate profile. (I had to explain to him what Jdate is.) I suggested that if he really want to date that he get out more. He said he doesn't want to go to singles events because everyone will know that he's married. I said that he could just go to regular events and suggested that he tell women that he wants to start a friendship if he wants to avoid the freak out that he experienced.

He joked that I always tell my sister everything that he tells me. (I didn't realize that he knows this.) Apparently, my sister will come straight out and confront him on things that I repeat to her in private. But, he said that I can tell my sis about this. I think he is a little freaked out about how she'll respond. With good reason.

So, I called my sister (because I know that she'd freak), and I told her. She is REALLY upset. She thinks that its cheating on Mom. She told me that Dad isn't wearing his wedding ring anymore. I told her to try to have compassion on him and to see that he's lonely and that Mom isn't really a wife to him in the same way that she was before. But, its hard for her. I left it by asking her to try to think about how she'll respond when he tells her, and to try to support him. She said that even if she does, she doesn't want to hear any details or meet the woman he dates.

Boho Dating

2007-11-14T18:39:00.000-08:00

Yeah, dating's not so fun anymore. I went out with NJG last night, and the whole time it was kind of awkward as she kept asking me these questions about who I want to date and what I'm looking for - but all in the abstract. She freaked out about not feeling ready for a relationship. And then at the end, she told me that she likes really butchy women (aka not me).

Even though in therapy, we talked about how I have this trend to find people who are perfect on paper, fall for them, and then get heartbroken before even getting to know them...here I am again. This perfect woman on paper, and I feel heartbroken.

Also, in therapy we talked about how I need to work on asking for what I want and focusing on not getting lost in the future but being able to just be in the present. But, the whole date I was future thinking, not saying what I wanted. When I got home, I tried to call to just clarify, and she still had her phone off from dinner. So I sent her an email which said something along the lines of I'm really into you, but I get that you're not into me and am happy to hang out with you in whatever way you want to define. I haven't heard back.

So, after that night last night, I woke up feeling congested and sick. I think its a little psychosomatic. Dad told me that he's got a cold, and I'm taking that on for him. And, the whole thing with P and NJG just makes me feel kinda sick. NJG asked me if I want a relationship and why, and as I started talking about it, I really felt that longing to have someone in my life.

Woho Dating

2007-11-12T22:29:00.001-08:00

My dating life is very much ramped up, and I'm not quite sure about how I feel about it all. I had a date with this very nice Jewish girl (NJG) who is getting her dissertation also related to gender issues. She was fantastic, and we had tons in common. Her dad had a stroke and is in a similar state to my Mom, and we got to bond over being so young having these issues and being dedicated to our parents and lots more.

Then, last night I went to a concert with my friend P. P has become one of my closest friends recently, but it was a bit weird for me when she started big time hinting about wanting to kiss me. And then, NJG was at the bar we went to later. I told P that I had been out with NJG, and she asked me if I can date more than one person at a time. I told her that we'd talk about it not while screaming in a loud bar. And then of course, I couldn't talk to either NJG or P without feeling like...just wrong. So, I just danced until I left.

I asked P to meet me for dinner tonight where she just laid everything on the table and said that she's not looking for a relationship now but that she really wants to just kiss me sometimes and casually date me. I told her that let's wait until at least next month when she files for divorce. Yes, that's what I said. Yes, its all very complicated.

Tomorrow night I have a date now with NJG. And then P and I are going to San Francisco for Thanksgiving. Augh! Plus, I have the guy in Kansas City. And there's a guy that I've been sleeping with here off and on but just as friends. So, my love life is a little bit full...especially for someone who is completely emotionally not available. My commitment is to my family right now. I feel oddly raw and confused. I mean, what the hell am I doing here juggling four people? I'm a monogamous kind of girl normally. And while NJG is perfect for me on paper, P is a really good friend and treats me fabulous. So what am I really looking for?

Have Advanced to Candidacy!

2007-11-08T18:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I advanced to candidacy. This means that I can add the letters "ABD" after my name and that I've required all of the requirements of my program except for the dissertation. My committee was SUPER supportive of my work and basically said that I'm one of the top people in my graduate program. It felt good to be acknowledged and that throughout all of this mishugas with my family and everything else, that I can succeed in my career.

The Color of Friendship Award

2007-11-08T18:40:00.001-08:00

Thanks to Shari for awarding me a "Colors of Friendship Award." She describes this award as honoring the following:

"We are a spectrum of color, diverse in our customs and upbringings, but we are human with the same feelings. We are all united in some way and not so different if you think about how we love our families...we feel the same things. The Internet has brought people closer together somehow...the world doesn't seem so huge and untouchable."

I would similarly like to honor the following people:

Gail at The Mom and Me Journals

April at The Thriver's Toolbox

I Survive! at A Broken Childhood

It just goes to show how much healing and connection is out there if you put yourself out there. Since I've started this blog, I really have come a long way in my quest. I really think that it has been in part to having this blog and all of the support that I've received through it. Thanks to all of my readers and all of my friends who have been there for me along the way!

"The Bubble" by Eytan Fox

2007-11-04T19:38:00.001-08:00

I just got back from seeing the movie "The Bubble." It was so amazingly powerful in its message about love, war, and Israel. I was supposed to be having this pseudo date, but I had to get out of there after the movie because I just needed to be alone and cry a bit. She said to me: "There wasn't any way of it. You could tell that it was all going to end badly." I said "that's the way with a lot of Israelis now." I thought about how its been this way since Rabin died. Movies about the conflict never tend to have any sense of the conflict ending. They're more about how the system is so entrenched that there's no way of overcoming it.

There was a scene with a pigua, and it really makes me freaked out about my friends who live in Israel. It reminds me of the times when I was there and there was a bombing and having to call the 8 people I'm closest to, just to make sure we're okay. The movie made me feel like I can never go home: the conflict will never end, and I don't want to get sucked up in it.

I would say that this movie is the Israeli "Brokeback Mountain." It was amazing. But sad as hell.

From Preventative Care to Comfort Care

2007-11-01T12:06:00.000-07:00

Well, Dad has decided that we're only going to give Mom comfort care and not preventative/ treatment care. If she has another heart attack or seizure (they're not sure what this last thing was), then she'll stay at her assisted living. She won't get any of the medications recommended by the doctors.

I spoke withe the nurse at Mom's facility who agrees with all of this. Mom's so far along that we shouldn't do anything to prolong her life.

I did convince Dad to start giving Mom the herb passionflower, which should make her more relaxed and help prevent seizures. That's a comfort issue, I convinced him. She won't get garlic to thin her blood and prevent heart attacks. That's a prolonging life issue, he thinks.

I can't really complain because I was the one who pushed for us to talk about this. I just feel majorly out of the decision-making processes that went on this week. I feel far away and distant. But, I'm also starting to get productive again and grateful to not be in the middle of the mishugas. Its lonely being so far away and without people to talk about it here. But, I'm also able to live somewhat of a more normal life...to actually be able to have a life.

Mom Had a Heart Attack

2007-10-29T15:27:00.001-07:00

I got two phone messages from my sister on my cell phone. It was a sign that something was wrong. But I was in a meeting with my advisor.

She told me that Mom had a minor heart attack this morning and collapsed. She's now in the hospital having tests run. I feel horrible because she's stuck there sort of by herself. Dad left unannounced and we aren't sure what his story is. I'm sure he's just exhausted after having been woken up at 6am with this news and taking care of things. I wish that I was there, but I am super booked up this week with work and augh!

They're checking her to make sure that this minor heart attack is the end and not the precusor to a major heart attack. I'm nervous. My sister says that she doesn't notice any damage, but she put Mom on the phone, and Mom didn't sound very coherent at ALL. Dad doesn't seem to realize that Mom can't be left alone at the hospital. Hopefully, it is going to work out to have some companion type person stay with her tonight. I called around, but I can't find someone from here and the hospital would have to approve it.

Am I Capable of a Real Relationship?

2007-10-27T15:01:00.000-07:00

I've been told a lot lately that now isn't the time to be in a relationship; there's too much else going on in my life - Mom's Alzheimer's, trying to take care of Dad, a move ahead of me in two years when I complete my PhD. The teacher of the Imago class said that I'm just not ready; after I asked him what someone should do when they're attracted to the wrong people (or people who will only hurt them and are not open to healing Imago processes). He said I should work on myself until that changes.

The song "Kind Friend" by the Indigo Girls is playing. I used to listen to this song a lot in KC when things were tough and think about my friend Kathy and be grateful that I had our friendship. I miss her and my cousins. Augh, why do I focus on the things that are gone or missing instead of the things that I have?

I just have learned about myself that I do better when I'm in a partnership. I eat better, have more balance in my life, actually have a sex life, am more relaxed.... I want a partnership. But, I wonder if I'm capable of it. Are these people right that it isn't the right? Will it ever be the right time? My life has been filled with excuses of it not being the right time - moving around, other things to focus on, etc. When will it finally be the right time? Can I ever learn to put all of this pain, these patterns that I learned as a child to run away from people to protect myself because Dad was always so hurtful, this baggage...can i ever learn to put it all behind me and be able to approach another person with love?

Fantastic Camping Trip

2007-10-23T21:14:00.001-07:00

This weekend, I went camping with friends and had a fantastic time. It was SOOOOO nice to have some time just to be and relax. My friends were super supportive and reaffirming of me taking care of my needs. It just felt really great and was fun and fabulous...even though the winds the last night got up to 50 mph!

But, as soon as I got back, the stress quickly seeped back in as I got home. I'm missing deadlines. I'm not producing things at the level of quality that I need to. I'm exhausted. I'm sick of dating. I want more vacation.

I'm super happy that things are so good with my family, and very relieved.

Mom's developed some new weird symptom where she's losing control of her hand and will just jerk it around sometimes. She bumped up her finger pretty bad. But, otherwise things are pretty much the same according to my dad and sister.

Complete Exhaustion

2007-10-17T15:32:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a date with Michael who basically said that he wants to move forward into a relationship and probably doesn't want to see me anymore if I'm not there. So, I guess we may stop seeing each other. Michael is the guy who is super sweet but who I haven't felt that attracted to. But, we have a great time together, and I feel us developing this friendship which could turn into something more. On his end, I understand that he keeps taking me out for these expensive dinners and what is he getting in return.

My neighbors were outside and being very funny as Michael and I were discussing this in his car at the end of the date. One actually came up and looked at the car and then went to my front door. So, I got out and talked to them, breaking the awkwardness in the car. Turns out that a different neighbor was smoking pot and burning stuff, and they just wanted to check up on me since this car parked in front of my place was also there earlier in the night. It was kinda funny and they were embarrassed later for clearly breaking up my date. But, it was nice to chat with them, and they are lending me a sleeping bag.

I came home and for the first time in a while didn't chow down on anything. I just relaxed a bit before bed. Then, I slept fantastically and a half hour later than usual. But, I'm still exhausted today and took an almost 2 hour nap when I felt a migraine coming on. I missed this workshop that I was going to go to on campus. I'm just exhausted. It is hard for me to work even now; I kinda just want to watch tv on the couch and snuggle with my very cute pooch. But, I'll press on.

Insomnia, Feeling Broken, and Acceptance

2007-10-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

At first, I felt super empowered about coming out to my family, but as time went on, I started to really worry about what Dad would do. My anxiety about this and things with Mom and school and everything have really been taking a toll on me. My insomnia has really kicked up another notch, and I've noticed that I'm stress eating like every night before bed, and it has messed up my digestion.

I tried going to a meditation workshop on Sunday. It was in the gorgeous location, and there were a lot of people there. But, I still had a hard time getting into it. In part because I missed the Saturday stuff, having had to be at a breakfast with my advisor. She had told me to send out an email to tell people to go to this one restaurant - - and then she shows up at a completely different one and made us come over there. Augh!

Anyway, my sister has been great recently. And then, as she was checking in with me, I got a call from Dad. He got my letter.

He sounded a little bit chocked up. He said something along the lines of: It isn't the worst thing in the world. The worst thing in the world is to have to lose your spouse and best friend. She's the person that was there for me to lean on through the hard times in my life, and I can't lean on her now. Now, I have to take care of this little girl that she's become.

Then, he gave me some spiel about how he and Mom tried to be an example for my sister and me (clearly hinting that I'm not following the example when I date women). But, then he was like okay, let's talk about these new phones that I bought and how the weather's been.

I'm kinda in shock. Clearly, Dad's feeling broken. He even said at one point how he sees his life as basically over other than taking care of Mom. Otherwise, he would have really tried to fight with me, I think. I'm feeling a little broken too - I can't relax, can't sleep, can't stop eating so much, getting stuff confused all the time. I even showed up at therapy today at the wrong time.

When I came back later in the day for my appointment, my therapist and I spoke about how I have this pattern of spinning out of control with anxiety and ending up like a hamster on a wheel running around feeling more and more ragged.

And here's where I continue with that pattern: I have a date tonight, which I'm sort of not in the mood for. This weekend is my camping trip, which makes me anxious because I'm not quite sure what to expect and not feeling super comfortable being dependent upon the people I'm going with. I going to go start up on taking anti-anxiety med before bed on nights when I'm super stressed so that hopefully I can start getting some sleep again. I'm going to try to make myself finally workout after a little hiatus. I'm trying to finish my exam and my fellowship application......

Coming Out to My Family

2007-10-12T10:25:00.000-07:00

After two days of migraines and ridiculous amounts of stress, I decided that I need to stop carrying around extra responsibility and stress when I don't need to. I decided to finally come out of the closet with my family about being bi. I started by writing my dad a letter:

Dear Dad,

I’m writing this letter because I have something to tell you. I don’t think you’re going to like what I have to tell you, but I’m hoping that telling you this way in a letter will let you have time to digest. I’m telling you this because I love you, and I want to be honest with you.

I am bisexual. This means that I am attracted to both men and women, and I date both men and women. The first time that I dated a woman was a couple of years ago and that relationship was the only one that I’ve had with a woman. But, it will likely not be my last. And I’ve noticed that not telling you about it has an effect: I do care about what you think, and my fear of your disapproval has kept me from taking a relationship with a woman seriously.

Being bisexual may seem like an odd thing to you, but studies such as the Kinsey study from the 1940s indicates that the majority of people are bisexual to some degree.

I don’t know if the next person that I date will be a man or a woman. But, I don’t want the choice to be based on my fear of what you will think. I want to be free to choose the person that I feel is the best for me.

I know that you love me. It is very hard to mail this letter for fear of losing that love. Although you may not understand about being bisexual, I hope that you still love me now. Know that I am the same person now as I was before you read this letter; you just know one more thing about me. I am still [Karma]. When you are ready, you are welcome to call me so we can talk about this more.

[sis] doesn’t know yet; I wanted to tell you first.

Love,

- - -

Next, I called my sister. I spoke with her and my brother in law today. They were both great. They told me that they actually already knew because of myspace not being so private after all, and that they don't think of me differently. They think Dad will FREAK out though and recommended that I have them do some sort of spy work to get the letter before my dad gets it. But, I reassured them that I'm ready for the consequences.

Rocking Girl Blog

2007-10-10T14:44:00.000-07:00

Marj has graciously awarded me a Rockin Girl Blogger. Thanks Marj! This tags me to name the 5 women bloggers who really rock. Here goes:

1) Tafka PP's Going Slightly Mad

2) April at Thriver's Toolbox

3) Deb at Yellow Wallpaper

4) Shari at Literally Blind Sided

5) Ani at My Dissonance

Stress, Anxiety, and a Food Coma

2007-10-09T21:23:00.000-07:00

Ah, where to begin with the stress of today. I had someone coming to clean the house who kept changing the time, and then finally showed up to explain that her cleaning partner and husband wasn't coming because his diabetes is so bad that he's having severe leg pain. All the while, I'm trying to finish this fellowship application that I need done like yesterday. At the same time, I'm talking to my sister who still hasn't heard back about this job that she had a second, third, and fourth interview for yesterday.

I had dropped my car off at the dealership this morning because there was some sort of recall. I explained that I had a meeting at 3pm, but was told that I could be picked up at 2pm no problem. At 2:30pm, I call and find out that the driver is still downtown picking people up and not even on his way. The dealership makes me sound somehow horribly selfish: "you're not the only person we have to pick up."

So, I just jumped on my bike and ran up to campus. Somehow along the way, I forgot about yesterday's change of meeting times, so while I showed up just about on time for the meeting, I hung out outside the room for almost 20 minutes, hearing some voice in the room and thinking I was early and didn't want to bother my advisor. When I walked in, they asked where the hell I was, and I just felt like such a schmuck. It was the airport spiel all over again.

They told me that this other fellowship I had also planning on applying for, I'm not actually eligible for it. And I feel bad for just always making these big mistakes and not being on task.

I mentioned Cory to my advisor who told me that she does NOT approve. It actually made me feel better about it because I know that he's not the guy for me (despite the amazing chemistry), but it still was a big thing to start the process of letting that go.

Then, I came home and had to immediately walk back over to the dealership (because they don't give rides this late). As I'm walking, I call Dad. He tells me that Mom had a bad day and was walking with one shoulder much higher than the other. He took her to the facility nurse to be examined and was told that she's fine. He also mentioned that it seems like the sleeping pill isn't working. So later, he got a message that she won't get the sleeping pill anymore.

Now here's where this makes me mad: Dad and I had agreed that the pill isn't working, but I talked with him several times about not just cold turkey taking her off of it so the sleep doesn't get worse and about him not talking about this with the nurse facility but instead actually talking with the doctor. But, apparently its being done cold turkey. Dad said: "I'm just the messenger." I wanted to yell back that he isn't just being told what will be done; he's in charge. Mom never sees a doctor, and this issue is important. Plus, Dad blames every issue Mom has had since she started the sleeping pill, on the sleeping pill. He said that it was wrong of him to try a sleeping pill at all. I WANTED to scream back that maybe if she actually got on a sleeping pill that was controlled release like I suggested that it might have helped (since her problem isn't falling asleep, its staying asleep). But instead, I just calmly explained that since she's been getting steadily worse, we can't really blame EVERY symptom on the pill.

So, I made myself some comfort food with LOTS of cheese and white wine and went into a food coma and fell deeply asleep on the couch. I hope tomorrow is better. Oh, and its Dad's birthday, I see on my calendar. Lovely.

At this stage with Mom, it is just WAAAY too hard. She isn't properly under the care of a doctor, but REALLY needs to be. The facility doctor's nurse's assistant will just okay for the doctor whatever, but they've totally ixnayed the possibility of trying an anti-anxiety for her sleep apparently. I should say that I called the doctor's office when I got home. Even though Dad asked me not to because it was already 8pm there. But I don't care. I care that my Mom is being set up for a horrible night. The nurse's aid told met that they don't taper off sleeping pills and that he recommends this anti-depressant trazodone, but Dad isn't okaying that, so she'll just go with nothing. I hate that I wasn't given options for Mom - it was either she takes this one thing or nothing.

Clearly, I'm way too stressed out. But, what can I do to lower the stress level when things are still going on with Mom, everything's a fight with Dad, sis and her husband are still unemployed, and I'm way behind with my work.