Deeper and Deeper Depression

I can't stop crying tonight. I just feel so ridiculous. I don't want to be miserable like this; I want to make the most of my life. I just feel so incapable of holding all of the nightmares. I want someone to love me, but I know that I drive away everyone who gets close because I feel unworthy of love. I think I almost feel like I'm doing someone a favor when I drive them away because who would want to be with me? I mean really. Who would want to live with these horrible things that I live with? Who would want to deal with my moodiness and these ridiculous patterns that I've inherited? I feel so ridiculously alone. I have no interest in doing my work - which is about abuse and trauma - I just want some space to heal. I don't know what I should do. I'm so behind with work, but the more I do, the more it just bears down on me like the weight of the world. I want to go somewhere safe, but there is no such place. I need to feel connected to someone else, that would ground me, but I feel so traumatized that I can't connect with any of my friends. A vicious cycle. How do I get out of this horrible cycle?