JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The Most Amazing Night

There's this guy, Z, who I've had a little crush on since I was 17, and he was a teacher in this BBYO summer program. I've kept in contact with him over the years and seem him several times since then - I stayed with him in DC once, I went with him to stay at his friends' place for a weekend in Israel, ran into him in KC before when he came to give a talk....Anyway, two days ago, I had a frustrating and draining day with my mom, so I sat on my dad's couch and read the Jewish newspaper and see that Z is going to be in town the next day giving a talk and that he's currently teaching at my alma matter. It was just so random; I couldn't believe it. I normally don't bother reading that paper, and how often am I normally here!

Anyway, I went to his talk, and he recognized me immediately and seemed pleasantly surprised to see me there. It was wierd to go to the talk, which was at the JCC, because people kept coming up to me and asking about my mom. But anyway, after the talk, he gave me a big hug, and we spoke really briefly about meeting after his second talk later that night, which I couldn't go to because I needed to tuck in my mom.

After I got back from my mom's place - which took an extra while because there was a thunderstorm which scared my mom, I called him and met him at his hotel. We layed in his bed for an hour as he was falling asleep, catching up. I got bold and told him that I've had this crush on him. I couldn't tell how he was responding to this, so I just changed the topic and kept the conversation going. Anyway, I was going to leave because he was so passed out and it was late, but I asked him if I could give him a hug. I came across the bed and he gently but boldly moved me to kiss me and from there it was just wild and everything happened really intensely and fast and it amazing. I won't share the details, but it was hot.

Afterwards, we snuggled a bit and I asked if he minded if I held him for awhile. Z: "You can hold me all night." It was so perfect. I wanted to lay there and just hold him and sleep, but after awhile, I started getting my night time anxiety, with the jerking away with every noise and it was clear that I wouldn't be able to sleep there, especially since I didn't have the tranquilizer that I've been taking to sleep since my neighbor was murdered. I left him a note because he was passed out. I hope that I hear from him and that he isn't mad. I really wished that I could have stayed there, even though my father would have freaked out if I wasn't at his house in the morning. It was hard to admit that the PTSD was still a limitation; I wanted just to finish sharing an amazing night with this amazing guy. I tried to stay grounded by focusing on Z's smell and breath and arms, but it just wasn't enough. Still, I'll always remember last night.


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