JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Taking A Breath

Well, I'm in KC. The flight was pretty hard on my dog, but she did okay. I gave her a tranquilizer, and it was maybe even too strong. She was acting as a super drunk person, hobbling around, very mellow. She was agitated though clearly on the take off and landing, but I guess that's to be expected.

I convinced my dad to stop by my mom's ALF on the way from the airport. When we walked in, Mom was agitated about not being able to find her remote control for the tv. We said we'd look for it and eventually she sat down and looked at me and said my name in a very excited tone. Then she opened up her arms for me to come give her a hug. She's been really excited to have the dog here too, although she said the other day "I like having the dog here, but I'm more happy that you're here." It was very sweet. Yesterday, she told me: "You'll be a very good mother." I said: "Did you say that because I'm taking such good care of you?" "Yes." "Well, that's because you were such a good mother."

Oy this whole theme though, so I finally got the DSL hooked up, and I'm setting up my office in my mom's old office (previously my sister's bedroom). I open up this drawer to put something in, and I see these Mother's Day cards from last year. My dad wrote the following on the card to my mom:

My dearest (Mom's name),
Wishing my wonderful wife a very happy Mother's Day. The rewards of your hard work as a mother now have brought you (my niece), (my nephew), and (my brother in law).
May our other daughter also bring us the same.
Your loving husband,

Can you believe that? Not naming me. Not acknowleding anything about my life. Defining everything in life by having kids. Oy. It did make me laugh though.

So, today I'm taking the day off to do my own stuff and am only going over to see my mom after dinner. I'm getting my haircut by the guy who used to do my mom's hair. I'm going to ask him about how she was with him and about how the person at the place doesn't do her hair right and maybe get instructions from him to pass on. Then, I'm going to the JCC to go to a talk over lunch that I read about in the Jewish newspaper yesterday. Turns out this very old friend of mine is in town to give this talk. It is so random. We had lost touch and honestly I've always had a crush on him. Anyway, after that I'll have some time to do some work and then at 3:30, I'm going to the chiropractor here that my mom and I used to go to. She's really amazing, and I bet she can just get rid of all of these headaches and backpain that I've been suffering with for years. I can also talk with her a bit about my mom and try to piece back together the progress of her disease. Then, its dinner with my father (he usually only eats red meat, but I convinced him to make salmon for dinner) and back to see my mom. Hopefully, after that I'll either convince my old friend to have a drink with me or I'll go work out, which I haven't done since I've been here because I've been too lazy and just wanting to catch up snuggling with my dog.

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