Don't Pity Me

Last night, I had dinner with my friend, M, and her family. They had been pushing for me to come over since M is in from out of town. Most of the night, they were treating me with such pity, inviting me to come over and spend more time with the family to get away from things, but like they're doing me some sort of favor...not like my friend K who both offers to come with me to help me deal with my life but wants to spend time with me because she wants to spend time with me and not because she feels sorry for me and wants to do some sort of mitzvah (not that K probably even knows what this word means because she's goyisha :P).

I haven't heard from Z, and it makes me feel a bit unglued. I spoke on the phone with my therapist about all of the reasons why making something real happen with Z is so pressurized for me - my desire to give my mom a wedding while she can still be there, the pressure from my family and community, my want of the validation, yadayada.

My feeling of strength and feeling like I can do this all is just not here today...ah ha, maybe its because i forgot to take my medication for the second day in a row.