I'm Staying

I had an interesting therapy session today. I brought in a print out of the benefits of each decision, and I had intended to focus on this and not whatever is going on with *A*, but she sort of brought it to there by asking questions about what I meant when I said that I wanted to avoid things with *A*. Anyway, I was kinda surprised how upset I got there about it all, and it felt good to admit how ridiculous things are between *A* and me. My therapist called it "emotional blue balls". I sware she actually used that phrase. It cracked me up, but it kinda is - we're so close to having this amazing relationship, but we never get there; he always has this block.

She pointed out that I tend to have a pattern of having these important decisions that I agonize over - where there are two options where both seem to have these horrible negative consequences. I realized that I make a bigger deal out of a lot of decisions than I need to. When I left her office though, I still hadn't made up my mind about what to do, and I felt almost pissed off. But, after a short time, I thought, why am I making such a big deal out of this? I know that I don't want to leave tomorrow. I know that I'm not ready, that I don't want to fly, that I just have all of this stuff to take care of before I go.

I obsess over my relationship with *A* thinking that I need it. And yes, I kinda do need it. But that intense feeling of needing it just makes it impossible. Harriet Lerner said that relationships only work when both people don't NEED the relationship. And she's right. I can't completely depend on *A* to be everything for me, and I can't force us to be in a place that we're not. I should think of my relationship wihth *A* as a spiritual practice, a daily exercise in not becoming too dependent or fall into my tendency to over-function and be the pursuer.