JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Exhausted But Have To Decide


After I vented on my blog last night, I started reading the book "Dance of Intimacy" by Harriet Lerner. It calmed me down a little bit because I realized that part of the intensity of what I was feeling last night was part of this unhealthy "dance" that *A* and I do where I pursue and he distances. I also realized that the insensity is fueled by other things in my life like my mom dying and lunch guy hitting on me.

*A* asked me to come sit on the couch next to him and was being kinda sweet. I was still a little stressed/anxious though and had a hard time sleeping. I think he was too because he tossed and turned a lot. He kept twitching his leg at first, and I think he was having a nightmare. He told me that it was about the game Sodoku that we had been playing (competing) in bed before we went to sleep, but I don't know if I believe him. The night before, he had a bad dream about me being mad about him. Anyway....

I woke up at 5am and then *A*'s alarm went off at 6:30am, then he's futzing around all over the place and waking me up more. I feel so exhausted right now. And, I have to somehow decide today whether or not I'm traveling tomorrow back to KC, whether I'll drive or fly instead, whether or not to get a new car before I leave or in KC, AUUGGGGHHHH!!! On top of all this, I have a ton of work to do that is way overdue, and my advisor wanted to meet with me ahead of time to go over what I finished.

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