JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Getting Better All The Time

I barely have any pain today; it feels like such a miracle that I'm healing. Of course, because of hormones and all of the antibiotics, my stomach is mucho messed up. But, I don't mind; I'm just so grateful to not be in serious pain.

I really like having *A* here. Even though relationships are so dangerous and never go well for me, I really want to have a partner. I really enjoy sharing my life with someone, especially now with *A*. Of course, its only been a day or so....

This guy that I was seeing around New Year's just called. He lives a couple hours South of me, and I guess he's driving through and wants to see me. I didn't even answer the phone, in part because *A* is here, and in part because I just think it is a bad idea. The guy clearly doesn't really care about me, is pretty self-involved, yadayada. I still feel a little bad about blowing him off, but I just don't have the energy to even think about him.

I called my mom today, and I was surprised at how well she's doing. She was in the kitchen area helping dry dishes (which is much better than in her room by herself, where she often is). She was cheery and excited about my dad coming later to take her to dinner. (He does this twice a week, but even still, she usually gets agitated whenever he's not around, constantly asking if you know where he is and what he's doing.) She even remembered that I go to school, which she hasn't remembered for a long time.

She asked me if I know how to get to her place, which is ridiculous because I've been there hundreds of times to visit her already, but I think that was more her way of asking me to come visit. Generally, a very good day. Certainly, she is doing much better than I expected. Of course, the phone can be deceptive; you can't really know how someone with Alzheimer's is doing until you see them for a longer period of time.

I've been crying a bit over her and my grandma. I really miss them, even though they're both very much alive, because of the Alzheimer's, they aren't really all there. I didn't feel like I could talk to my mom about all of the problems I've been having. I can't even call my grandmother; she barely speaks now. I miss them taking care of me. I miss them. But, still, I feel like mourning this loss is a real privilege. Just a few days ago, I couldn't think or feel anything other than the pain in my tooth.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Deb Peterson said...

Hi Karma
Glad to hear that the physical pain is well on its way out! I wish you peace on the emotional front. Life is tough enough without having the indescribable experience of losing your Mom and grandmother in this way. Just remember that your Mom knows you're taking care of her--even though she might not always be able to express it clearly. Just the fact that you can understand what's behind the sometimes puzzling questions or statements she might make (like whether you know how to find her) tells me that, although the situation is undeniably tough for you, you will always have a loving and vital relationship with her, above and beyond her disease.

Saturday, July 01, 2006 7:24:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thank you. That means a lot....it is what I am aiming for, even though I still feel like it isn't enough. I wish I could somehow make this go away, although I know on some level that I can't. I feel guilty I think on other levels, so it means a lot to have someone else recognize that I'm doing right by her.

Saturday, July 01, 2006 10:01:00 PM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

You know, Karma,
Hmmm...this is going to be a hard comment for me to write. Please don't think I'm criticizing you...I'm simply speaking from my own experience and hoping it might give you some individual insights.
I have found that it makes more sense not to consider that the demented "aren't all there" but to consider that they are here but they have continued to "develop" in their life, just as we all do.
The reason this has been a valuable consideration for me is that it reminds me that, for instance, I am not who I was at, say, five, nor 25, nor 35, nor even 45...not even mentally. Nor is my mother. Thus, when I deal with who she is, now, with her dementia, I am less inclined to "miss" her and more inclined to do something very helpful to me that you do all the time: Relate what she is doing now to what I've known her to do in the past and appreciate the connective "tissue".
You're doing well, Karma, even though it doesn't feel like that.
Very good decision, by the way, that you opened yourself up to outside confirmation of your life with this journal. I hope it's helping you.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 1:07:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

It does very much help me.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 2:44:00 PM  

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