JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Love Lost

After lunch today, I realized how much I appreciate *A* and respect him not wanting to be physical until he knows what he wants on an emotional/romantic level. I had told him earlier in the day that I want to watch the sunset over the ocean today, so he suggested a really beautiful place in town that I had never been to before. When we walked down there, there were two other couples cuddling and watching the sunset. *A* just appeared a bit awkward with this, but it was so beautiful, I actually shed a couple of happy tears. *A* tried not to notice, I think just wanting to avoid anything too deep.

We went to have dinner at this nice restaurant, and *A* started telling this story about how when he got this nice bagette that it was the happiest moment in his life. I joked that of course this couldn't be the happiest moment, but he insisted. I reminisced about several really happy moments that we shared together, but he refused to acknowledge any of them as especially happy. He even claims to have forgotten the first time that he told me that he loves me.

When we got back to my place, I pulled out my scrapbook and showed him the picture from my Homecoming dance in high school from that night. "Remember this?" I asked him. But he still claims to not remember telling me that night. I started looking at other things in the scrapbook and showed him this card that he gave me 15 years ago. "Look at this?" I said. He just made a face. "What you don't want to look at it?" "No."

I have to admit that I feel a bit insulted. These are some of the most important memories of my life, moments that I cherish and which keep me tied to our relationship, and he doesn't seem to hold them in much regard. Or, he's just refusing to open up those memories and feelings. I don't know. I just know that I really need to be acknowledged tonight. I really need for him to talk about what's going on with us and where we are, so I can just know. I feel in some ways like an idiot about this whole thing. Why am I still committed so deeply to this relationship that hasn't really been in existence for almost 10 years when he appears so uncommitted?

I think that it would be better if I go back to Kansas City Tuesday. But, workwise and whatever other preparation wise and tooth wise, oy, I'm just not ready.


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