JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Won't Hand Away My Heart So Fast

This guy from New Year's called again this morning; this time it said "Private" so I picked up. He said that he's driving through town and wanted to take me to lunch. I felt like there wasn't a way to say no and that lunch sounded pretty tame. I knew that he was going to try stuff though. God, he's so freaking predictable. Of course, he is trying to kiss me and touch me from the first second. And it was clear that he's just always on the prowl for action. He says that he likes me more than he's liked anyone in years and that he's sorry that he wasn't able to really be there before, but that there was just too much going on for him. And when I told him that I have this pattern of just giving away my heart too soon, he conferred and said that sort of made him back away a bit. But, then he tries to say all of this stuff about being serious with me, which is so clearly about trying to get action. Anyway, even though it felt good to be noticed physically and appreciated for having a good body, it isn't what I'm looking for. He even had the gaul to put down *A* for not being sexual at all with me, that I need someone who will be sexual with me. The thing is that on some level, he's wrong. Even though, sure yeah, being sexual is fabulous; I want real relationships, that have meaning, that last long periods of time.

He was trying to be very charming, but I am learning (slowly) to create real relationships instead of letting myself get lost in fantasies.


Anonymous Deb Peterson said...

Hi Karma--I liked reading this post because I'm hearing someone who knows that she has the power to do the choosing. Even thought we've never actually met (!!) I can tell from your writing that you are a strong woman--intellectually, emotionally and sexually. Women like you are very attractive to guys, but some of the good ones may be just as vulnerable as you are and assume that because you're strong then you MUST be involved with someone. I guess the only thing I can say is that it's a balancing act--I always remember an interview I read with Jessica Lange where she said something about a man being lucky to be with her. And I tried to remember that each time I started "the dance" with someone.

Sunday, July 02, 2006 6:34:00 PM  
Blogger tafka PP said...

BeKarov Etzli. So proud...

Thursday, July 06, 2006 1:52:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

My power in choosing is somewhat theoretical at this point. But men are lucky to be with us. I will try to remember this. And I'm keeping reading the book, which grounds me with it. I think that I'll probably have to pick it up with each new relationship that I start.

Thursday, July 06, 2006 8:24:00 AM  

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