JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

I'm Depressed

I feel so powerless against Sunrise, like I can't really make anything substantial change, and it just really makes me feel depressed. As I write this, I realize that I need to connect to other people going through the same thing - although quite frankly, the more that I learn about the system, the more powerless I feel. I can't believe that I'm hiring on my own a "companion" for my mom - firstly, that she would need this in a place that supposed to be taking care of her needs already and secondly that my Dad won't pay for it. I found someone through Jewish Family Services that has my same first name, so that'll be nice for Mom. She's supposed to be one of their best people.

Still, even though I had a really amazing night last night, I didn't have the energy to go out on this set-up date that I had planned. I feel this big crash from last night, like yeah, I can forget about things for a couple of hours, but eventually, I have to come back to hey this b.s. is my reality. I don't know if I'm really going to have the heart to leave in a couple of weeks. It isn't just my mom either - I've really become attached to a lot of the residents at the facility. In particular, Mom has made a new best friend, and I'm coming to adore this man who used to be a music teacher because it is just so easy to make him smile. The other night, I put on one of Mom's Ella Fitzgerald and Louie Armstrong CDs (one of her and my personal favorites), and after I went to bed, he just sat really close to the CD player with a big smile on his face and clutching on to the CD.

At least Mom is as cute as ever. She can't get her bra off; she ends up getting it just over her head (its a stretchy crop top) and stuck on her back. We just laugh. And, she always makes faces at me as she rinses her mouth after brushing her teeth. She's just silly and happy with me.


Anonymous Deb Peterson said...

Karma--I hope you don't feel powerless, because you sharing your experiences is certainly helping me as I prepare for my Mom's eventual move. I'm inspired by you and what you are doing for your mother. What a difference your presence has made for her! And hiring the caregiver is such a special gift. You are not powerless!

Monday, September 04, 2006 1:02:00 PM  
Blogger tafka PP said...

You are incredible and a true inspiration.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006 4:36:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Awww, well thanks guys.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006 7:23:00 AM  

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