JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Conversation with Mom: She's Clearly Getting Worse

I called Mom yesterday at the facility. She sounded really anxious. "Are you coming over?" she asked me. I told her that I was in school in California, so I can't come now, and she sounded really nervous, like she was freaking out and alone. I felt so horrible. "Your other daughter, Julie, is going to come over though tonight though; don't worry."

"Oh Julie's coming over? That's good. I better go then and wait for her." It was still early, probably hours before Julie would show up. Actually, I wasn't sure that she was planning on coming, but I didn't know what else to say. I tried to call my sister but she immediately put my niece on the phone and then someone came over to their house.

I called Julie today, and she said that when she got to Mom's, that Mom was waiting for her just right in front of the elevator. She told me that she'd call me tonight when she's at Mom's so that I can talk to her again.

They just called, and Julie put Mom on the phone. Me: "Hi Mom, it's [Karma]."

"Yes [Karma]."

"Is Julie their with your grandaughter?"

To Julie: "Is that...?" I hear Julie say yes, that's your granddaughter. Mom repeats "that's my granddaugther. She's here with my cousin Julie."

Me: (I know that this has been really bothering my sister) "That's your daughter, Julie. I'm your daughter, [Karma], and that's my sister Julie, your other daughter."

Mom: "I know. And you're in college."

Me: (feeling bad for correcting her and happy that she remembers that I'm in school) "and you probably had dinner with your husband tonight at Outback Steakhouse and had a steak, baked potato, and salad."

Mom: "Yes."

Me: "He's a creature of habit, huh?"

Mom: (little laugh) "Yes. The girl is playing with old phone that's not working. It is a...a...typewriter."

Me: "I remember when you would type things on a type writer when you were a secretary."

Mom: "And a bookkeeper. My husband has his office upstairs, and my office is downstairs. (This was true in their house, but Mom's office was moved upstairs too a few years ago. Of course, it isn't her office anymore.) I file his paperwork and take care of things....Julie's going to tuck me into bed tonight (sounding happy)."

Anyway, I can't even go on with the conversation; it just makes me cry. How does she remember some things and not others? These memories of hers are from a few years ago and then from being a little girll I thought that the memories disappeared more chronologically. It breaks my heart that she's disappearing more and more each day. She told Julie last week that she had to get home because her parents would be worried about her because they don't know where she is. I hate when she's upset or nervous or feeling alone or scared. I wish that I could be there with her.

I have to pull myself together and go out on my third date with the "nice guy". We're having dinner at a romantic Italian restaurant and then going to a movie about the Holocaust. I don't know honestly if I'll be able to sit through it, especially so late at night. I don't even want to go out at all, but I'm going to try to force myself to have a good time. I did have a nice morning with *A* and my dog - he had coffee with her while I worked out and then we had brunch. I also did a lot of work today. (Can you tell that I'm trying to be positive?)

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

You know, Karma, I find a lot that is heartwarming in your conversation with your Mom. Even when we live with our Ancient One parents, we can't keep them from from feeling alone and scared. All of us, demented or not, are capable of feeling alone, and scared, even when we're surrounded by loved ones. But, you know, it wasn't what your Mom said that warmed my heart, it's that you may not be who you'd like to be to her, but you're family, and I can tell, from the way she talks (not be what she says), that she feels embraced by her familly. Good. That's what she needs.

Saturday, November 04, 2006 8:44:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Gail. She does very much feel embraced by us - whenever family is around, she is calm; whenever we're gone, she's anxious. That's why it is so hard to be away.

Saturday, November 04, 2006 10:02:00 PM  

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