JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The Underlying Anxiety

Okay, I actually have been sleeping fine, but I relate to this picture of anxiety. I find myself with running throughts in my head like this. So, why else did I pick this picture? I've been reflecting on what happened yesterday in group.

This has been a majorly difficult year for me, and the last thing that I need is for people to be picking on me. I am definitely commited to working on myself and improving myself, but I don't think that I'm in a good place to be making drastic changing, which it seemed to me the group yesterday was advocating.

So then last night, I'm IMing my friend who is getting married next month, and I ask him what the attire is. He tells me that I should wear a cocktail dress. Then he starts to give me a hard time for not shaving my legs (a feminist political thing that I've done, or not done, since high school).

Well I don't have any cocktail dresses anymore. I do have this dress that I wore in KC and left there, but nothing really fits me anyway so well since I've lost a bunch of weight in the last year or so (gone down 2 sizes). And I never get dressed up anymore at all, especially for something not related to my professional life. And finding a way to pull off a dress with the hair on my legs quite frankly is difficult sometimes - because I don't want it to be obvious at the wedding.

So, I ran over to Macy's and tried on all of these traditonal, age appropriate looking dresses and didn't look so good in any of them, until I found this one (see picture). It looks so good on me because it highlights my best feature (yeah just guess) but downplays my German belly (yeah a lot of Germans have bellys). The guy from the shoe department looked at it and helped me pick out this swanky, elegant pair of knee high black boots to wear with it.

But, today, when I think about it - maybe this dress is too risque? Maybe it isn't appropriate for a wedding? I don't know. I asked my sister about it (rare for me to ask her for advice). And maybe I need to go return it, but it felt so good to look in the mirror and have a sexy image look back at me.

Also, I realize that part of why I think that excites me so much is that I'm going to the wedding with *A*, and he doesn't notice me physcially anymore at all. I mean, he never noticed things ever really - in high school he wouldn't notice if I was wearing a beautiful formal dress or sweats or if I gained or lost weight. Well, I know he doesn't notice this now either, but it excited me to feel noticable, like there is something here worth noticing. I know it is a problem to think like this. I need to just find the self-confidence within myself.

So what do you think: Should I return the dress?

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

No, absolutely do not return the dress! Wear it with pride and slinkiness at the wedding...a wedding is, after all, a modern day fertility festival. In this dress, you will be doing your best to honor this.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006 9:41:00 PM  
Blogger tafka PP said...

Don't you DARE return such a great dress!! (Just wear a good bra.) This isn't about A or the getting-married friend, this is about you feeling fabulous in a potentially uncomfortable situation with whatever accessories you can muster. And the boots is a great idea too.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006 9:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um, if you look hot in that dress you MUST keep it. Speaking from someone who currently abhors shopping (nothing, absolutely nothing looks good on me). Anyway - you are going to Denver. It is going to be chilly. How about a nice shawl/Pashmina? Something to drape over your shoulders as you make your grand entrance. I don't know if you would be open to doing this, but you have GOT to get someone to take a picture of you, this outfit/shoes sound amazing. You have worked hard on your body/physical health, do not let this opportunity to show it off pass you by.

Love, Sanchi.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006 7:19:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was wondering if you have jewelry to wear....I've got this really pretty black choker (it's about 3/4" wide) with black crystal dangles that hang off of it. Elegant yet sexy. If you are interested, I will mail it to you (and yes, that would be on permanent loan to you). I will look for a pic of it, I may have lost the pic tho when I moved (not sure).

Wednesday, November 01, 2006 3:03:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you're willing to take advice from a total stranger: don't return the dress. You were specifically told to wear a cocktail dress, and you're excited about it. Go with it.

I don't shave my legs either. I recommend tights. Dark tights for those situations when you want to wear dresses or skirts but don't want to be obvious about the non-leg-shaving.

Thursday, November 02, 2006 11:27:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

These comments are great, thanks. I ordered a Pashmina to wear over it and got black tights to wear with it. Now, I just have to find a slip or something. This is actually fun, even though I normally also abhor shopping and rarely do it.

I was thinking about wearing a pearl necklace to try to conservative it up, although I don't think that I have earrings to match that. I have a bunch of jewerly now, since my dad gave my sister and I basically all of Mom's nice jewlery already (which I'm somewhat uncomfortable with).


Thursday, November 02, 2006 1:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Although you may not feel comfortable wearing your mom's jewelry now, one day they will be cherished heirlooms full of memory. They may be something you pass down to your daughters someday, who knows. I do think it's inappropriate that your dad is already appropriating your mom's estate, normally that isn't done until after the person has passed. My guess is he is trying to deal with some of the smaller details in order to come to terms with bigger details.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006 7:04:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

I understand where he's coming from, especially his not wanting to have all of her stuff around at the house anymore since he has to find some way to live there on his own. It still makes me feel wierd though to have her stuff.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006 10:24:00 AM  

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