Disappointing Local Friends

For many weeks now, my best friend has been getting drunk downtown and then calling me up for a ride. I schlep 15 minutes each way to pick him up, then we cuddle and fall asleep snuggling. When we wake up, we go for breakfast, and then I schlep him back downtown to pick up his car. A couple of people have pointed out to me that this seems like a BAD idea because I am clearly still in love with him (he's my high school sweetheart) but he's not interested in anything physical or romantic. But, I haven't been paying this any attention because honestly this whole Friday night ritual has become the highlight of my week.

And then today, I got a call from a friend wanting to go get dinner tonight. We made plans, but she ended up blowing me off. Now my best friend is just going to go home early and sober - so I'm left tonight alone. And there were other things that I could have done, but I planned around being with my friends. I have sort of burrowed myself in my home recently because I haven't felt up to just hanging out. Part of what makes hanging out for me so hard is that I find that my friends here don't want to talk about this crap that I'm going through. Totally understandable to not want to talk about murder and shit. But, it makes me feel like I have to perform when I'm with them, perform that everything's okay and that nothings going on. So, when I do make an effort to get my tuchus out and connect with other people again, it just kills me that they would let me down. Part of me understands and wants to just figure out how to make the most of my night here at home. Part of me wants to fall apart and just get drunk and get through the night. The last month and a half I've had a lot of time to just get through. I want to get back to living and enjoying my life. It is hard without people aroud me supporting me through it.