JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Freaking Out

I was doing fine, but everything that I have to do before I leave just keeps creeping up on me. I am still not ready to go yet. And I have to leave in the morning. I was holding it together trucking through all of the work, and then someone came over to help me and left before she did everything I thought she was going to do and at the same time this guy, N, shows up with his partner and interupts so he can borrow something. My PTSD books were out right in front of them, and I was so pissed that they were so inconsiderate about just showing up to get something from me. So then, I was feeling anxious and diabetic haven't eaten and its late feeling. So, I called *A* and asked him to have dinner with me somewhere on the beach. BUT he just blew me off.

So, then I just feel like my emotions are overwhelming me. I feel overwhelmed with what I have to get done tonight, and I want to just focus on the plan of taking care of myself but nothing is getting done I'm just sitting here freaking out because I feel so anxious.

I just don't feel up to having to pretend like I'm moving forward with my career as planned and put on this happy face when I'm really struggling. I feel really alone out here. I just wanted to go out to dinner for the end of Passover, and I there isn't one person to go with. Everything is just such a struggle. Earlier today, I felt like this could be a real transition into the next stage of healing, but now, I just want to sit on the couch and comfort myself until the anxiety goes away.

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