JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Shock: I Hate Men

So, I'm going along okay with my day and am about to walk the dog when I get a call from *A* asking me to go hiking with him at the most beautiful and romantic place in town. I decide to go because I love hiking and I figure he is going to talk to me. BUT, the whole time the only thing that he said to me was the occassional chit chat. Most of the time we were just silent, and I watched as other couples had great conversations on the way up and down the mountain. I couldn't believe that he was just trying to pretend like Friday didn't happen.

And now, I should be going to a potluck Pesach dinner at a friend's house, which I know will be good for me to be socializing and connecting with others, but I really don't want to go. I just feel like sitting here and eating and drinking and crying. For 15 years, I've been in love with *A*, and there's still no communication. Why the hell am I doing this to myself? I must get some distance from him and definitely get over him. But, it is such a hard thing to do even when I'm not overwhelmed by PTSD and whatever else. I just feel like I'm in shock. I can't believe that he treats me like this. Afterwards, my dog was a mess from rolling around in mud, and he didn't offer to help me bathe her nor invite me to have dinner with him. He then follows me back to the area where we both live and then drives past our places, waving. He's in the car probably thinking about how great it is that he isn't telling me where he's going and it is just fucking ridiculous and I'm sick of it!

Am I really going to go schmooze? I feel ridiculous. I have this cake ready to go to the dinner. But how can I face people like this?

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey you,
I've been gone for a few days and come back you have made so many posts/progress!!! I decided to comment on this thread primarily because I remember back in the day when you would threaten to break a certain someone's legs if they treated me badly? That comment used to crack me up, but in some way you were saying you had my back, which was a really nice feeling to have. Anyways, all these years I still have faith that the right relationship is out there for you -- and to me, *A* just keeps proving himself unworthy in many ways. His lack of consideration/communication is only a further indicator of just how selfish he really is. You, being the caring soul that you are, are in love with the core of his being, the person he used to express and be more freely. But his heart seems to be closed...and I hate to see you drive yourself crazy when he is on his own undetermined path. He seems to seek you out as some sort of random touchstone, and not understand *your* needs for a consistant friendship, more or less anything else. He wants to play unfair, he knows of your feelings but does not choose to make you aware of his. He is probably out of touch with himself, so how can he connect with you? I am glad you are asking yourself whether you want to continue to allow him to hurt you, and be his enabler (always relying on reliable you to give him a ride). I struggled with this for years with M, and for about 1.5 yrs totally severed the cord. I know he will always be my first love, and we are now friends -- but I know it was hard giving up my hope, my sometimes naive non-realistic hopes. When you finally do fall in love again, K...when you are ready, whomever it may be, you will be a much stronger person, for choosing yourself and your emotional well being over someone who continually keeps reopening old wounds. I love you, and perhaps I should come over and break A's legs!!!
*hug*

Monday, April 17, 2006 7:30:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey you,
I've been gone for a few days and come back you have made so many posts/progress!!! I decided to comment on this thread primarily because I remember back in the day when you would threaten to break a certain someone's legs if they treated me badly? That comment used to crack me up, but in some way you were saying you had my back, which was a really nice feeling to have. Anyways, all these years I still have faith that the right relationship is out there for you -- and to me, *A* just keeps proving himself unworthy in many ways. His lack of consideration/communication is only a further indicator of just how selfish he really is. You, being the caring soul that you are, are in love with the core of his being, the person he used to express and be more freely. But his heart seems to be closed...and I hate to see you drive yourself crazy when he is on his own undetermined path. He seems to seek you out as some sort of random touchstone, and not understand *your* needs for a consistant friendship, more or less anything else. He wants to play unfair, he knows of your feelings but does not choose to make you aware of his. He is probably out of touch with himself, so how can he connect with you? I am glad you are asking yourself whether you want to continue to allow him to hurt you, and be his enabler (always relying on reliable you to give him a ride). I struggled with this for years with M, and for about 1.5 yrs totally severed the cord. I know he will always be my first love, and we are now friends -- but I know it was hard giving up my hope, my sometimes naive non-realistic hopes. When you finally do fall in love again, K...when you are ready, whomever it may be, you will be a much stronger person, for choosing yourself and your emotional well being over someone who continually keeps reopening old wounds. I love you, and perhaps I should come over and break A's legs!!!
*hug*

Monday, April 17, 2006 7:30:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thank you. I did make it to the party, by the way, although only for a little bit. Anyway, I know that you are right, it is just going to be a difficult path. I miss him. I miss having that great, stress free Friday night where I could just be a person again. I miss having one thing every week that no matter what I can count on. I mean, I still have Karma and wonderful friends out of town. In some ways, I am grateful that I have this time to try to work through some stuff. In other ways, I feel overwhelmed and long to just have my research to worry about. Anyway, thank you for having faith.

Monday, April 17, 2006 9:09:00 AM  

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