JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

I'm So Bad At Relationships

Okay, so Z wrote me back via email:

Dear [Karma],

It has indeed been an enchanted night - more like a dream in a dream. I do not know the source of your unease, for I have felt nothing after falling asleep. Even if I had, why would I be mad???????

Thank you for a splendid evening. As always, it was wonderful listening to you and realize anew what a sensitive, caring individual you truly are. I shall cherish it...

Shabbat Shalom dear



- -- -- - -
Now what should I make of this? He didn't even respond to me saying that I'd come to visit. It is a very sweet and endearing email, but how do I respond to it? Is he saying that it was just that night and that's all? What can I do to keep in contact with him and hopefully see him again?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well -- First off, he did not have to respond. That's a pretty poetic, romantic response. You've established contact. That's the first step. I too get obsessed with details, perhaps you can further communicate about visiting him when you are even able to free up your schedule for such a thing. Z seems like an emotionally aware, free spirit, connecting with beings in the here and now -- perhaps something you admire and wish to obtain for yourself one day, I dunno. It's great you feel moved to write poetry about the experience, and the only advice I can give you is SLOW DOWN. If we wishes to maintain contact with you, he can learn gradually about all that is in your mind, gradually ease into this new friendship/possible relationship. Meanwhile, you can re-remember and enjoy your nite together what what it was, instead of analyzing what all it could be.

Love you!!!

Monday, June 05, 2006 9:16:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

I know that you're totally right, S. I just would hate to have another 5 years go by before I get to see him again. We have been talking like once a year or so, when I make the call. I do need to just appreciate it for what it was...part of me just wants it to be something different than it was, I think. Was it really just this one night of passion and not the start of something? Going too fast though is always my pitfall. I just figure out how to do what you suggest, how to find the middle and be able to get communication and a friendship going without obsessing about wanting to fast forward.

Monday, June 05, 2006 10:27:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm thrilled the feelings between you two were mutually expressed, even if for one night. To me, (in my optimistic mode of course) that's the start to perhaps something more in the future. Although he might not view it that way right now, there's always the "who knows where the future may take you" approach. Try to make some small steps towards communicating and friendship -- getting reacquainted, discovering new things about his persona. In some ways he's sortof like this god in your life, is it possible (for argument's sake) that you have idealized who he is? Or maybe he's everything you've ever hoped for and more. I guess you'll just have to find out, eh?

(I'm smiling right now btw, this is fun!! )

Tuesday, June 06, 2006 7:10:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

I'm glad that this can be fun for others too. I do need to get reaquainted, and yes, I've super idealized him and need to take the time to find out who he really is - not just the large personality, but the day to day guy. If only we didn't live so far apart, but I'll figure something out. Thanks for the input!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006 8:32:00 AM  

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