JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Why Hasn't He Called?

Oy, Z hasn't called me, and it makes me a bit unnerved. I wonder what he's thinking about the whole thing and if I'll hear from him. I got blown off today in a rude way by my friend, M. Grr, really annoyed with her. But, I had a good night with my mom, although I was a bit disappointed when "Go Fish" was too complicated of a game for her. She would look at one card, the second, and then back to the second. She wouldn't get to her third card. All of the other residents seemed to be playing better than her; it made me sad. Although only the more functional ones were playing with me. Now that I'm trying to organize activities for my mom in between the more formal ones, I'm getting stuck with taking care of tons of residents. Like tonight, I helped out about 10 residents while taking care of my mom.

Here's an email I wrote to send to Z. I'm not sure if I'll send it or even if I have his email address.

My Dearest [z],

I found this old email address of yours, which I hope is still your email address…. I’m not quite sure where or how to begin. I wish that I could have stayed in bed with you that night. I hope that you found my note and that it made sense. I was just about to fall asleep in your arms when some PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) symptoms starting arising. I’m not sure if woke you up too, but I started getting this reflex which physically jerks me awake just as I am about to fall asleep. I used to get this a couple of years ago (an after shock of the rape that happened years ago, that you know about). I had been sleeping wonderfully until recently.

See, end of January, something happened that re-triggered some of my PTSD symptoms. You may have read something in the papers about the xxxx. It was a scary night for me, in which there was some concern that this woman might try to shoot me as well. (I took out the explanation in order to not show all of my readers who don't know me where I actually live.)

My point is that my inability to fall asleep in your arms is due to all of this and NOT in anyway demonstrative of how I feel about you. I had not prepared to spend the night with you, hadn’t given it any thought, and when it started to happen, my brain just switched off altogether, and I just went with how it felt, which was wonderful and amazing and perfect. If I am ever given the opportunity again to fall asleep in your arms, I will prepare and don’t expect that falling asleep will be an issue like it was this week.

I hope that you aren’t mad at me, although I will understand if you are. I know that we both have busy schedules and have a lot of traveling to do this summer, but I very much want to stay in contact with you and would love to see you again sometime soon. If you’ll have me, I would love to take you up on your offer on coming to visit you.

No matter what happens, I’ll always remember the night that we shared together.

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