JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Mom's Getting Worse; Dad Yelled at Me

I don't even know where to begin. I am beind in work, had to leave to go to therapy, from there went to see my mom. I asked Mom: "If you could have anything in the world to eat for dinner, what would you want?" Mom: "Ribs." Me: Really because you eat that all the time. Are you sure? Mom: yes. So I had to struggle to even get her out the door because she was so confused. I got her to take her sweater and she kept trying to hang it back up. I tried to explain that she'd need the sweater because I'm taking her out to dinner, and she would say: So you want me to hang up the sweater?

It was so frustrating. Then, I drove us through horrible traffic because she took so long and went a far distance to get to this rib joint that she likes. Then, as we pull up, she says: I don't want to go here; I was just here. Oy. So I say, well where would you like to go? Mom: Red Lobster, Chinese Food. I notice that she's just reading signs from restaurants across the street.

So, I remember that this restaurant that we used to eat at every week when I grew up is around the corner, and I ask her if she wants to go there. She says yes. I take her there and she is excited to be there and that the owner remembers her father. She is confused the whole meal, trying to get up and leave and I say, but we haven't eaten yet, and so she says okay but then 5 minutes later, she puts her napkin on the table and asks again if we should leave. She also keeps asking about how we'll pay for the meal since she doesn't have her purse. I tell her that my father gave me money for the meal (a lie) and not to worry about it. The whole thing was so frustrating. And, she barely ate any of the main course. I joked with my dad later that this must have been like what it was like for her when I was growing up - I have no authority with my dad, without the man no instructions get followed.

Anyway, I take her to the mall to walk around after a bit of prodding. She says that she wants to look at the make-up and get an eye brow pencil. So I take her to Lancome, which is her favorite, and....I don't even have the energy to write the story. Short version- I spend a lot of money, she is just confused, I get frustrated.

I spoke with a staff person at her facility about why she isn't engaging in activities like she used to. She told me that since the place has more people, my mom gets shy, especially in larger groups and around the men. She said that if there were more staff, they could do smaller groups. This just makes me more frustrated because I completely understand the situation, but how am I going to fineagel getting more staff there. I am overwhelmed.

I drive home, trying to call my sister to have someone to talk about how sad it is that my mom is doing so much worse, but she doesn't answer. When I get back to the house, I make the mistake of talking and venting to my dad. When I tell him that I mentioned to the staff that mom's toe nails need trimming and that the staff weren't sure what should be done - - if she needs to go to a podatrist or get a pedicure or if someone can just cut them, my father YELLED at me "What are you crazy? A pedicure there costs $100!" I was tempted to yell back that who gives a shit about the money. He has plenty of money. He has so much money he doesn't know what to do with it, but he's stressing himself out about Mom getting a freaking pedicure, about an extra $1000/year when the place probably costs $60,000/year? And he can easily afford this all but it is just the principle of it for him. This pisses me off so much. I'm so sick of his ridiculous principles...he won't go to the doctor because it is too expensive but I think that he's probably got cancer because he appears to have a growth around his throat....I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't have lung cancer with his family and smoking history. But he'd rather die than pay money to a doctor. I tell him that I don't care about inheriting the money that he should just take care of himself but he says it is the principle.

I think that my old therapist is right; this is clearly a Holocaust/persecution/PTSD mentality. I am so afraid that I'm going to get sucked back into his mentally ill thought processes, that I'm letting his voice back into my head when I've been fighting for years to get rid of it - his critical, conservative, paranoid voice.

I don't know what I'm doing here. I can't believe that I bought today a one way ticket back here July 4. I don't want to be here anymore. My advisor (from school) sent me an email inviting me to go with her to Oaxaca for a conference in November. It made me laugh. I want to be an academic, to have my own life, to live somewhere not KC. Augh!!!

My mom told me tonight, like she tells me almost every night, "You're a good daughter." I respond, "Well, you're a good mother." I know that being there makes such a difference to her, but I am really worried about what all of this is going to do to me.


Blogger Gail Rae said...

No answers, just sympathy...deep, abiding sympathy.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 12:12:00 PM  

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