JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

How Can I Cope With All This?

I have had the worst day: I cancelled DSL at Dad's to replace with cable modem because the DSL isn't working properly, which took 1/2 hour and cost $100! Then, I had a 2 1/2 hour conference call where my research team decided that I should do an extra several hours of work because they were too lazy to do their work on schedule. Then, I sat for 2 hours without any other family members bothering to come at Mom's facility where this woman from the Alzheimer's Assn came to talk, and I had to sit across from the executive director, which just made my skin crawl. And, the whole time, I just kept thinking about how I am totally drained, and no longer have the energy to fight with them anymore. I haven't even heard from the ombudsman. And then, the guy I've been seeing totally blows me off, and I know that I didn't see it going anywhere, but I really was looking forward to just being able to feel attractive and alive for like 5 minutes.

How do people do this for years? I am completely exhausted. I feel completely out of balance. And, I have to get up tomorrow and work and tuck Mom into bed. Actually being with Mom I really look forward to. I'm actually really upset about having to leave her. I really cherish our time together, and I can't believe that I'm going to leave next week, and when I come back, who knows how much the disease will have progressed?

I know that I have this tendency to get hormonal and then take it out on the guy in my life, and that's not healthy and I need to stop it. But, I just feel so horrible tonight. It made me feel a little better to talk to my friend Kathy on the phone (thanks K). But, I just feel completely overwhelmed. And, I don't want to keep this ridiculous stress level up this high. I don't want my life to keep being like this. But, I don't see how to change it.

2 Comments:

Blogger Holly said...

Hang in there! I know you don't have any energy to fight, but persist you must. Your mom can't do anything for herself and it's in your hands. You have such a sad situation but your purpose here is your mom's comfort. There is strength in strange places and I'm sure you have more in you. Stay away from the dairy and chocolate :)

Friday, September 15, 2006 9:07:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks for your support, Holly!

Friday, September 15, 2006 10:24:00 AM  

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