JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Relationships: Do They Have to Be So Gendered?

I've been having this ridiculous argument with my friend on his myspace blog about how relationships are gendered. He claims that men generally don't verbally communicate and aren't emotionally available and that women should just accept that this is the way that men; all that we can do is provide positive reinforcement when they take baby steps toward being a full partner in a healthy relationship. I've been claiming that the goal should be an equal partnership, which is only possible with healthy, open, and honest communication.

And then yesterday, my therapist starts talking about how relationships are gendered, and that if I don't want to put up with men being insensitive and not communicating, then I just shouldn't be in a relationship for awhile. She also referred me to the book "If Men Could Talk" (

Is this really it? If I want a heterosexual, romantic relationship, then I have to be treated badly with the hopes that I can eventually "train" the guy?

Here's my question to you, all of my fabulous blog readers out there: Are you (or have you ever been) in a relationship that didn't follow this? Give a girl a better model!



Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think relationships are this black and white. Good communication or bad communication. One or the other. I think you have to know how to ask for what you want and what you need in a relationship without being nasty, overanalytical or thinking you can train a man. You are right that it needs to be more of an equal partnership and it can be.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006 2:41:00 PM  
Blogger Jerusalem Joe said...

i believe that if you yearn for an intimate relationship with a man than not only is it possible for you, it probably is also necessary for your well being.
please, don't settle for a miserable , abusive relationship - the world doesn't need another one...

Wednesday, September 20, 2006 10:35:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Well you guys are right that the world doesn't need another abusive relationship and my problem really is not knowing how to ask for what I want in a relationship....and I think that I become overanalytical.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006 11:00:00 AM  
Anonymous Deb Peterson said...

Karma--The only contribution I can make is that I've learned that "honest communication" is often defined very differently by people who are attracted to each other! I tend to be someone who wants to talk things out, examine my feelings, but I have been with several men who may have wanted to talk things out but have NOT wanted to examine feelings. So I guess it's up to me in that case--what do I want and how much do I want to give up for it? I do think communication is gendered, and I also think that I've got to try to understand the "other" response to a certain situation. Having said that, if I start realizing that there is no reciprocal effort--fuggedaboudit (as they say in these parts). All the work shouldn't be done by one half of the relationship.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006 5:57:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

lol, that's a great comment, Deb.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006 8:54:00 PM  
Blogger tafka PP said...

I'm sending a friend here to answer this question.

I'm so sorry I forgot your Birthday...

Monday, September 25, 2006 5:08:00 AM  

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