JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Woken Up from a Migraine and Cried During Massage

I woke up at 5am from intense pain from a migraine. I took the samples the neurologist gave me, and now I can't take the Imitrex until tomorrow, and I feel horrible again. Part of what caused this might have been that I ate some nuts yesterday, and maybe that elicted a response, and I've been fighting off the migraine since last Friday when I was in San Fran and there was a change in barometric pressure. I don't know. Clearly, this is all stress related.

Thinking that grad school makes the PTSD worse and that I need to find a new career, it just challenges me to the core. I feel really shaken and like I don't know what I'm doing with anything.

I got a massage today from this woman who gives me regular treatments, who in addition to being a massage therapist, is also a grad student in Pscyhology. She told me that she felt a lot of emotions in my back, and it made me just start crying. I kept crying through the rest of the session.

I read this book last night The Wounded Woman which talked about how some women who have negative relations with their fathers tend to become overachievers and use their achievements as amour for avoiding their real feelings and that because of that, they develop health problems including headaches, migraines, and IBS - all of which I suffer from. Now today I just feel really vulnerable and like I'm not sure how to overcome it. The book talked about getting in touch with your rage, which I've done a lot this year, but I feel like I just don't know what to do with all of this anymore.

Plus, it is the year anniversary of my mom getting diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I'm just feeling pretty overwhelmed. Maybe I should go to Denver this weekend for the wedding since flying triggers migraines. I just want the pain to go away!

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Anonymous Deb Peterson said...

Oh Karma--I'm just getting over my migraine of last weekend. Not only is there pain, but the experience really takes you to another place, psychologically. Sometimes I come out of it thinking, "What on earth was going through my head?" It isolates you, being alone with that pain. I'm thinking of you. I can sympathize with your feelings about the academy, too (of your previous post). My feeling is that scholars who do serious and rigorous research, like yourself, will be less and less dependent on academia as the communication/internet revolution continues. There are now organizations especially for independent scholars, plus grant money (if you can put together a proposal). Keep exploring the options!!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006 8:39:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Karma, I'm so sorry you are going through so much physical and emotional pain all at once. I agree with Deb, the isolation of that pain just puts you in a different world. Perhaps some of your migrane issues will clear before going to Denver, it might be a let down cancelling your trip at this point - imagine your soon-to-be spa treatment!!! S.

Thursday, November 16, 2006 6:53:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Ahhhh hot stone massage.....

Thursday, November 16, 2006 9:02:00 AM  

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