JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

The Problem is the Way I Take Things On

It has been awhile since I've blogged and now I feel like I don't know where to begin. I've just been running around so much lately trying to keep up with work, school, my trip this past weekend to San Francisco where I visited with friends from Israel, and my trip next weekend to Denver for another friend's wedding.

Last week my therapist suggested that maybe I've gotten really good at taking care of myself, but my problem is the way that I take things on OR in other words, the way that I've constructed my world. I've been thinking about it alot. I mean, there are all of these real, overwhelming problems in my life, but maybe there's something about me that's seeking them out unconsciously.

Here are some examples: My dad used to say that my outlook is "Why be difficult when you can be impossible?" I am torn between two countries - Israel and the U.S. I'm in a field that is a pressure cooker for at least the first 10-15 years. I only get serious about dating Jewish guys, and then I feel so pressured that I mess everything up. I've gotten drawn into a research project which is high pressure that isn't what I want to be doing. All of these little things add up to me not being able to be happy on a day to day basis. The present moment gets lost in all of these things that I try to do for my future, but which overcomplicate my life.

I recently spent some time with someone that I love pretty deeply, but who is completely unavailable. (Now you're wondering which of these people that I've mentioned in the past that I'm talking about.) It made me realize that I REALLY need to figure out how to love someone who IS available. I honestly don't know how to make this happen. But, the more that I lose my mom, the more I feel this gaping whole in my life; this lack of having family and someone to be there on a day to day basis to support and love.

In the meantime, I'm just exhausted and overwhelmed and kinda lonely and overly focused on trying to get my thesis done.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

You know, Karma, it's hard, in the "love atmosphere" that hovers over this country, right now, to know when to love. The best advice that anyone has to offer is the mysterious, "You'll know." And, then, when you think "you know", well, someone else doesn't. Weird. I have absolutely no advice about this...but, I want to congratulate you on one aspect of yourself that just delights me: Your father's comment (with which apparently you agree), "Why be difficult when you can be impossible?" Remember, Karma, according to adidas, "Impossible is nothing."

Sunday, November 12, 2006 11:58:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi dear!
I just got back from a 3day weekend of no internet access (bliss - living without a computer) and I was shocked to see I did not have many posts to catch up on. Your weekend sounds like it was fun, and interesting, I'd like to hear more about your visit with your Israeli friends. I'm glad you weren't alone at home, brooding -- sometimes it's nice to get away for a few days to put our own lives in perspective. I was wondering, how long is your commitment to this research group? Thinking about you a lot, while it is not in a romantic way, I do love you!! Love, Sanchi.

Monday, November 13, 2006 6:52:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

The problem is knowing WHO to love. I think that I need to balance out my desire to achieve with day to day happiness.

Sanchi, I was also without internet for several days, and needed that. It was good to get out. Thanks for your support. I can't wait to see you next month.

I'm committed to this group at least until summer BUT if I stay with them longer, then they'll publish with me - basically if I write something, they'll publish it with me. BUT they also want me to commit to do my dissertation on their work, which would mean that they would OWN me but I would finish up in about 1/3 the time.

Monday, November 13, 2006 3:45:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It might just be a word choice thing here, but it disturbs me - your choice of the word "own". I had no idea that a part of your dissertation would be commited to their work as opposed to simply yours. Half of me says you knew the commitment you were making and viewed it as a way to push yourself to finish the work, the other half of me says you are beginning to resent being in the group due to time commitments and lack of clear communication by the other members. It concerns me. In closing I will say if being a part of this group will further advance your career then by all means bite the bullet and do it - if not perhaps this commitment is asking more of you than you willingly gave. I assume it's not that simple to pull out of the commitment, nor am I suggesting such thing - I just get the impression that this is a negative shift towards your career goals and I feel concerned for you. Hope I am not out of line by commenting.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006 6:43:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Of course, you aren't out of line. I'm going to devote a post to this.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006 3:32:00 PM  

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