JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Reality Check: Am I On the Right Path?

Yesterday, I met with a neurologist about the migraines I've been having, which was odd because these are the doctors that focus on Alzheimer's. He ordered some blood work and gave me a sample and told me to come back next month.

Then, I went to this local owned lingerie store that was nearby to clear my head. I showed the owner/manager the dress that I bought for the wedding and asked her what she suggest that I wear under it. She showed me this bra with attachable pearl straps, which looked completely goregous on. There was another woman working at the store, and they were both like drooling over how fabulous it looked together and yes, here' s my moment of pride, how great this made my chest look.

So, when she's ringing me up, she says, "now make sure that you take the straps off when you wash it, because these are the real deal." So, they're real freshwater pearls! It cost me $225, and I was in such shock that I just handed over my credit card.

The day before, I had made an appointment in Denver to have my hair done, massage, spa day basically before the wedding since I realized that this is going to be the only thing coming close to a vacation since last January, I think.

I feel really indulgent though, like maybe I'm going off the deep end with this. I normally hate shopping, hate these kind of events, try to out of the whole mentality of ME ME ME ME. I think I'm responding to feeling overwhelmed with work and school stuff and not being taken care of any more by my parents but needing to take care of them. And, I spend a lot of my time now in sweats or jeans, so getting dressed up and feeling really sexy, it just feels good. Plus, its hard going to this wedding with *A* where clearly everyone's going to be asking about our relationship and he's already warned me that he'll be blowing me off while we're there.

But, maybe I really need to return the dress and the bra and cancel the spa appointment and start being more "myself" - being low key, not spending a lot of money, not caring about how I look or what I wear. I feel really over indulgent to the point of selfish and kinda guilty about spending so much money on frivolous things. Maybe I need to find better ways to take care of myself? Maybe this is the voice of my father in my head and its worth it? I don't know; what do you think?

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Anonymous Deb Peterson said...

Karma--It sounds like you enjoyed the shopping and anticipating a self-indulgent time in Denver. I vote that you deserve it all. You've got to be able to do it for yourself! Who cares what A does with himself once you're there--you'll look and feel great. You deserve to have a good time.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006 4:24:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Karma - Especially since you feel this is your only vacation for a while--- You've already gone to the trouble, why not look fabulous, feel confident, and socialize. It's ok sometimes to worry about what you look like, especially since sometimes the feeling to fit in (appearance-wise) is a strong concern at things like weddings. Don't forget that you are still the person you are inside, the intelligent, thesis writing, needs time to breathe, living in the moment jubu Karma. *hug*

Love Sanchi

Wednesday, November 08, 2006 6:13:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Sanchi and Deb. I desperately need to have a good time and just be in the moment there; I think that I also need to develop these sorts of things into my every day life....grr more thoughts in my next post. Thanks for your support.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006 2:06:00 PM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

Karma...always give a decision you've made over which you are experiencing ambivalence 72 hours before you reverse it. Live with it, let yourself get over the "shock" of it...then see what you think. Chances are you'll be thinking, "I have room for both high and low keys in my life...and that's me, not my Dad, not the desperation of feeling uncared for at the's just me." Then, you'll be ready for the wedding. And the bra. And the dress. I mean, let's face it, *A* isn't going to be the only person there!

Thursday, November 09, 2006 11:03:00 AM  
Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

You absolutely deserve every dime of it! Go for it and tell yourself, "I'm worth it and I deserve it!"

Self-care, pampering and indulgence are the first areas to gofor me when I start feeling bad. It's not a good habit.

Hey,I just wanted to come over here and thank you and give you a cyber hug for hanging in there with me lately. Sorry I've got so many shitty posts--thanks for reading andcommenting. I really appreciate your support. ((((((Karma))))))

Friday, November 10, 2006 9:08:00 AM  

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