JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Panic, Stress, and a Nice Visit With Mom

Yesterday, I was having a bit of a panic attack not just as I wrote yesterday's post, but for the first half of the day at least. I feel like I was in this crisis mode and then got knocked down (flu), and now I'm supposed to get up and start running again in all directions. I feel this sense of panic - of being behind in my work, behind schedule on my thesis, of leaving Kansas City soon and not knowing when I'm coming back, of having to return to everything I dropped at home, of the reality of what's happening to my mother.

I'm still not 100% yet over the flu. But, I went to visit Mom anyway since its been so long. She was walking around a hallway, which annoyed me a bit because there were two care managers sitting with two residents in front of the television, so one easily could have done something with her or at least walked with her. But, Mom was really happy to see me. I brought all these Hanukah presents for her from me, Dad, and her sister. These clip earrings that I got for her, even though she can't put them on without help, when she looks at herself in the mirror she smiles at herself with pride. I also noticed that the ALF had given her a framed picture of me and her that was taken at a party they held a few nights before they opened.

Mom and I listened to the new Debbie Friedman CD that I got for her, did a puzzle, and had some hot tea. I was sneezing and coughing a lot and didn't want to push it, so afterwards, I tried to leave her watching tv. She wasn't having it though, even when I got the movie "Annie." Her eyes started to tear up. When I asked her what was wrong, she said: "I would feel better if you stayed with me." So I stayed to tuck her into bed.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Such a touching story! Very sweet of you to stay, she obviously missed you. I hope you get some rest. I really wish we'd had more time together, K. Glad you are on the mend.

Love, S.

Thursday, December 28, 2006 11:02:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

I wish we had more time to spend together. I'm grateful that we're connecting again. Thanks S.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007 8:15:00 AM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

I, too, am moved at how close you and your mother are. I'm wondering, now, what I'll find ahead in your journal, as I know you'll be leaving for the coast, soon.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 12:30:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Mom and I are very close. I am tempted to move back to Kansas City for a year after I finish my thesis, and if I can, work on my dissertation from there. But I don't know if that's possible or even setting me up for some bad family dynamics with the rest of them.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 10:15:00 AM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

As I read the rest of your journal from this post, on, I wondered, too, about the family dynamics and whether they would screw around with you so much that your beneficial presence in your mother's life would be offset by the deleterious presence (or, lack thereof, considering what your sister's current plans are) of the rest of your relatives.
I have absolutely no advice on this one, just sympathy.
We need to start discovering the mysteries and technology of worm holes...being able to zip about hundreds to thousands of miles in an instant would certainly work in this instant. You could still see your mother, not sacrifice much time, and get out of there before your family posse begins to create havoc.
Family vs. the caregiver is such a hell of a problem, Karma. And, the problem is compounded by the fact that your family SHOULD be taking more responsibility, WOULD BENEFIT from taking more responsibility, so would your mother, but it's not like there is an awful lot of time to play this one out. And, besides, that leaves your mom in the middle. Add to that, situations in which you know family members actually might be insensitive and accidentally injurious to your mother and, well...
I haven't figured this one out, either, obviously.
Such a dilemma. I'm living it to.

Sunday, February 11, 2007 11:02:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Well, I appreciate reading about how the saga plays on for you. I do know that going back to Kansas City does take a lot out of me because of the family dynamics.

Sunday, February 11, 2007 6:32:00 PM  

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