JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Friday, December 15, 2006

PTSD Covering Grief

Dealing with my aunt, being hypervigilant about Mom in order to get her through the mourning activities, and the experience with my family altogether is triggering my PTSD. There's no one that I can trust or count on here - not even necessarily my close friends. I feel my heart pounding all the time; I can't concentrate; I cry when I'm in the car alone; I can't enjoy anything, not even playing with my niece.

I have no where to grieve. I'm running around between Mom's place and bringing her all over town. I don't understand what's happening with my family, not sure who to trust, who to believe. All I know is that everyone is fighting and lying, and I just want the hell out of here but I'm stuck for 3 more weeks, and Mom needs me.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

Oh, dear! You're right, I think, besides all the other stuff going on, you're grieving in the middle of a grieving community...not easy.
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." that's what you're doing now, Karma, "I shall fear no evil..."
The rock bottom peace of the Absolute is with you, in the valley or on the mountain, whether or not you can feel it. Count on this.

Friday, December 15, 2006 6:27:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

The hard thing is that I'm not in a grieving community - my aunt and her friends seem to be so focused on the relief of not having to take care of Grandma anymore and the family anticipating what will be inherited and all of their mess - it has sucked away my space to grieve.

The peace that I feel comes from my Mom and her stregnth and postivity. I asked her tonight about moving again, and smiling she said that she trusts dad and me. Sticking with her is what's getting me through.

Friday, December 15, 2006 8:55:00 PM  

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