JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, March 15, 2010

When a Girl Needs Her Mom

So apparently I need surgery. I've been having pretty bad pain for the last couple of months, especially during my period. After a pelvic ultrasound, which is a little traumatic for a survivor, it appears that I have 2 cysts and 2 fibroids, each about 4cm. I also have endometriosis all over my pelvic area. I got referred to a gyn surgeon who wants to do laproscopic surgery who said that it will take between 2-5 hours depending upon what she finds. Recovery is a week or two, and for the 1st week, I'll need someone around to take care of me.

My sister said that she won't do it. I'm so hurt. I didn't ask my dad, but he didn't offer either. I had been talking about it with 2 friends and offered to pay their ticket, neither of whom are working right now, but I'm not sure if they'll do it. I'm feeling really freaked out right now. I feel vulnerable, alone, and I miss my mom. I need my mom to come take care of me, and she can't.

I've been going to this ridiculously expensive acupuncturist who apparently can cure cancer. He's got me on this disgusting "tea" and coming in twice a week, even though his office hours conflict with work. He told me that I need to lose some weight and that stress and trauma are having a big effect on things.

I want to confront my sister, but I don't know how to do it without being mean and starting a fight. I want to have someone in my life to take care of me. I have been seeing this really fabulous person, who has offered, but it is SO early in the relationship, it just doesn't seem appropriate. I don't want him to be my everything and to be so dependent on him. I want to have people in my life who I can lean on in times like this, and it sucks to think that maybe I just don't have that.

I'm having a hard time concentrating on work. I just want to cry and sleep and crawl up in bed snuggling with my dog. Yeah, I guess I'm depressed. I'm a little nervous that this could be ovarian cancer (which my grandmother died of) or that I'll be infertile (even though I prefer to adopt, don't know what this new guy wants, and afraid I'll lose him if I can't give him kids). I'm just scared, vulnerable, and trying to make it through.

On a side note, I'm really sick of the 90 spam attempts on my blog. Seriously, everything has to be approved, so stop trying to advertise on my blog.

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5 Comments:

Blogger April_optimist said...

Karma!!!!

How wonderful to see you post again. Many, many gentle (((hugs))) and prayers. I've often wondered what I would do if I got sick and needed someone to take care of me. I'm not sure my daughter could take time off and there is no one else. It's scary. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Friday, March 19, 2010 1:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference"

Why get upset over things you cannot control? This is the root cause of your suffering.

You cannot control:

your sister, your dad, the death of your mom, whether or not you have cancer, the weather, things that have happened in the past etc.

What you can control:

What you eat, the exercise you get, how you treat other people, how you face your illness / medical needs...

You can control letting go of things that are out of your control and facing things that are in your control... rather than wanting things you can't have, wanting reality to be different than it is... when you accept that what is "is" you will find you have so much more energy to actually work on the things that are under your control.

My young niece used to run towards the waves at the beach and scream at them to "Stop" - yes, we all laughed at her foolishness - why scream at the waves to stop? Well, look at what your mind is doing... same thing. Same chance of success.

Lastly, the over priced acupuncturist cannot cure cancer - this is an obvious attempt on your part to NOT face reality and instead to look for an easy way out, a magic cure...

I hope this was helpful.

A fellow JuBu

Wednesday, April 21, 2010 10:44:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

It was helpful. Who are you and how did you find my blog?

By the way, I stopped going to that acupuncturist, but I am making time to take better care of myself.

Saturday, April 24, 2010 1:01:00 PM  
Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

Oh, Karma! I didn't know you were still blogging. I hope the surgery went well and I hope you are feeling better by now. Just know that I think of you often and wish you all the best. (((((((hugs))))))

Tuesday, May 04, 2010 3:32:00 PM  
Anonymous Deborah Shaya said...

I am very sorry to hear of all your difficulties. I wish you a Refuah Shelemah, and I hope you begin to feel better soon.

The road to recovery and healing begins with returning to Hashem. And doing Teshuvah with a pure heart.

There are specific things you can do to help yourself. I have written about this at length at the following link:

http://naftali.wordpress.com/2007/10/31/early-history-of-the-jewsih-people-a-translation-of-rambams-laws-of-idolatry-chapter-1/

Wishing you better, and kindest regards,

Yours sincerely,

Deborah Shaya.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010 9:55:00 AM  

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