JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Another Assertive Move

So, I met with Dr. W one last time. I think that it went well, and I'm glad that I did it. We talked about how clearly my relationship with her is somewhat mirroring my relationship with my father (how very Freudian). At the end, we talked about school, and she was about to give me advice, but stopped herself. She said she hopes my next therapist doesn't get into the same cycle because she sees my really struggling and well basically admitted that she thinks that she sees the way out of it or that she wants to just tell me how to get out of it. I think the point (or the lesson for me) is that there are no easy answers. It is all about the process. So even though maybe she might have insight onto what is the best step to take right now, I have to have faith in my own ability to make decisions for myself. I don't need someone to tell me what to do, I have to have faith that I can do this. I need to be surrounded by people who think that I can get through this.

The ironic thing about my fees not being paid by the department staff is that I can't get on to drop my classes. I'm kind of stuck because of it, which I think is what I almost need. I don't have any of the reading done, and I don't think I'll even attempt to do any more of it. I'll just miss the class tomorrow and move on. Oy.

It is so good that I'm switching therapists. When I told Dr. W that I need to balance working through my issues with managing my symptoms, she just flat out said that this isn't her style. It is kind of appauling considering that this is the most important thing when working with someone with PTSD. If I would have stayed with her, she would want to go into talking about why and how our relationship mirrors that with my dad, and clearly thinking about stuff with my dad would just make me feel more overwhelmed and make my symptoms worse.

God, I am so pissed off right now. I just called Spectrum to arrange to go work out. I can't work out at school because my fees haven't been paid, so I thought it an opportunity to go join a gym somewhere else and *A* said he'd join with me, so we can get discounts. Well, yesterday, the Spectrum guy told me I could come in and check the place out any time and work out. *A* asked me to do this so he can look into whether or not he can get us a better deal. Well, the guy today tells me that he'll charge me $10 to come work out now because it is their "prime hours". I could hardly even respond because I've been dressed to work out all day and am starting to feel anxiety come on and wanted to go burn it off, and now this asshole is being pissy and petty with me. I should just go and pay it, but it is ridiculous and a rip off and I don't want to be taken advantage of. I wish this didn't have to be so fucking hard.

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