JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

The Highs

So, dinner last night was fabulous. I found myself a little anxious, especially when we went bowling. The place was loud, crowded, and dark with flashing lights. Luckily, A wanted to go walk around outside while we waited the hour and a half that it took until it was our turn to get a lane.
A
's back was bothering him, so he didn't bowl well. I, on the other hand, was doing really well. So the last frame, we joked that if I got 3 strikes in a row that I could beat him. I normally can't get one strike, so I got A to begrudgingly bet me that he'd give me a kiss if I can do it. So, I somehow did!

Right outside the alley, he told me that it was payback time and pecked me on the lips. It was sweet. We came back to my place, and he spent the night. As always, I slept great with him here. And, I feel great this morning. I'm not sure if I should keep this feeling of feeling great and just do my research team's work and then read the novel for my book club OR if I should push myself to do reading due for next Tuesday for one of the classes that I am registered to take. Maybe I should drop the classes and just focus on my research team and getting better and when I seek doing my own research, then do it, but otherwise let go of the pressure. Part of me really wants to be able to take these classes though because academically it would be good for me.

Looking through my email, I feel hurt that a friend in my department is completely blowing me off. She is someone in my cohort who I've been close with for three years now. When she needs me, she'll call me once or twice every day to get feedback and validation. BUT, she is totally not there for me through this hard time. She almost never calls, doesn't even return my phone calls, and today sent me an email that she's going to miss my big talk in a week. I understand why she won't be there - her mom will be in town - but just the way that she wrote it, not inviting me over like she had said she would to meet her mom and have some of her mom's famous cooking. I don't know. I know I'm being ridiculous, but I just feel like she doesn't real care about me and only wants to have me around when she needs me for whatever purposes she needs me for. I think it mostly hurts because I need to talk to her about this decision of whether or not to attempt to take classes.

Back to something positive though, I've been noticing that as I let go of my stubbornness and yekkeness (need to have everything done in the way that I'm accustomed), my relationship with A is stronger and stronger. Now that some of the pressure and time crunch is off with school work and finances, I see that I kind of have this pattern of needing things to be done my way, needing people to fit into my life as it is AS OPPOSED to being able to see what might work best for a relationship. For example, I bought a raffle ticket to win a new home. I daydream with A that if I win, that we'll move in there together. When he first moved to town, we tried living in my place together, which is so clearly too small for 2 people. I was stubborn about not being willing to move because this is the first place that I've ever owned, I have a good deal here (with interest rates and prices having gone up a lot), and wanting some sort of serious commitment before taking a big step like even considering selling to move. And, we couldn't live together here, and he moved out. BUT when I let go of however I felt about moving, all of a sudden, now it is theoretically possible that we could live together, and I really think that it could work. If we ever have a relationship again and we get to the point of wanting to live together, I'll have to move. Thinking from the point of the relationship instead of just myself is suprisingly a new thing for me. I think its something that I could use encouragement on from my friends. I think that I have the tendency to look for people to validate me in my own needs, to not have to think about relationship needs on any plane in any way equal to my own. I think this has been hard for me because in general, I just don't get my needs met. Okay, I could keep rambling on, but I think that it'll be useful now to do my research team's work, make a plan for the day, and see what I can get done. It is such a beautiful day outside today; I would love to just be outside and just be.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's funny you should mention spending time with A, kissing A, etc. I dunno if A reads this, so if he does you can always delete this. I admit I have been none too pleased about A's reappearance in your life, mainly because some of the comments you've told me he's made about your dating life and his treatment of past female relationships do not set right with me, and combining that with (for example) the way he behaved at your sister's wedding has just really set the tone for me. Not to mention he's just not good enough for 'my dear friend K'.

THEN
last nite -- I was going through some old pics in storage and found our project graduation pics, AND yours and A's pic at Homecoming (you looked awesome in your batik-patterned blue/purple formal), and I thought about that smile of yours. I know we were all pretty innocent - unscathed yet by the real worlds journey.....but if A can help put that smile on your face, that smile that I grew to love and find comfort in our friendship with, than so be it. Sorry this is rambly, I can't help it. I have invested a lot of mental time over the years hoping you were happy, wishing you the best -- and I just had to comment. I hope A grows up and realizes you are one of the best people he's got in his life, a truly caring soul.

Monday, April 10, 2006 10:53:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

I didn't realize how funny it sounds to be "kissing A". It sounds like I'm kissing ass!

Thanks for these thoughts, S. *A* doesn't know about the blog. Your comments aren't rambly; I appreciate them.

Thinking about those pictures makes me smile. What can I say, I am just the type of person who values old friends.

Monday, April 10, 2006 11:20:00 AM  

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