JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Struggle

Well, so I thought to treat myself and not push myself too hard to work when it was hard, and I took my dog and her boyfriend and his owner over to this park near the ocean to go for a walk and be outside. Half way through to the cliffs, we got stuck in this wet, swampy marsh left over from all the rain that there's been in the last couple of weeks. It was ridiculous: the dogs were wet and muddy, my clothes are full of mud, and my feet were even wet. We turned around and tried to have a sense of humor about it.

The owner though commented though on how this is just typical of how things are for me. She asked me: "Do you need help living your life?" She said things just keep going wrong for me. And they do.

I came home and felt another panic attack coming on. This is so difficult. Thanks to my friend, K, for helping me realize that I need to drop my classes and just take some time to focus on getting better. It sucks though because of bureaucratic errors, my tution hasn't been paid, and I can't even touch my schedule or get in to work out at the gym. I guess I'll go tomorrow and join a gym somewhere else.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm proud of you, that you have concluded to drop your classes. I hate to say it, but from the moment you enrolled you have repeatedly posted that it's just not what you need right now. For you. What you need. I think you desperately need some non-structured time right now. We are taught that order and structure lead us to more focused developed lives/thoughts. I just don't believe emotional journeys and discoveries of truths of self fit into blocked off dayplanner chunks of time. Wish I could take you out for coffee to chat - but since I can't I figured I'd just post here.
Love you, S.

Monday, April 10, 2006 7:30:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

It is so ironic that you wrote about blocking stuff off into a dayplanner BECAUSE that's just what I've trying to do. I bought the new franklin and have been trying to write in really good healthy things to do for myself and fit in the work stuff, and it just so isn't working. I had emailed the professors of the classes I'm registered for to try to come to some compromise of how I'll take the classes, and they wrote back that I should stay there and that it'll be fine, so I appreciate this encouragement to still just drop the classes. What I might do is officially drop them and see if I can come from time to time. Oy, I should just let it go though.

Monday, April 10, 2006 9:35:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know you know this...but I swear you need to cut yourself some slack, give yourself a break. Trying to force yourself to continue on life-as-normal does not always work. You are very well-read/versed. You know A LOT about what you have been studying for years now. Not taking those classes is not a form of weakness, you are acknowleding you need to work on yourself and re-gain strength. Plus you have your job(s) and your research, isn't that enough for right now? It's a big step, and something important that you really need to do. It will clear a certain area of your head that thinks about your academic efforts. This is just a momentary detour. You will overcome. I just know it. -S.

Monday, April 10, 2006 10:40:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thank you. I know this on some level, but I really struggle with it. Like tomorrow when the class is going on, I'm going to miss being there. Part of it is that I really love my work.

The classes are basically focused around my research. I haven't been able to do hardly any of it on my own since the shooting. I had been hoping that the classes would be a way to get back into it. They are pretty low pressure and the assignments are just pieces of my research. Alas, yes, I know its too much. I think because I took time off of Oberlin and then didn't go back for so long, that it makes me nervous to take time off.

Monday, April 10, 2006 11:23:00 AM  

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