JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Roller coaster

It is said that PTSD is like rollercoaster, and I feel it. I woke up this morning feeling wonderful and happy with my best friend and my dog to snuggle with. Then, we walked to my friend's place so he could change his clothes, and I had to wait outside. I started feeling my blood sugar drop, and my tuchus get cold on the rock I was sitting on. I thought I'd catch up on some calls, but the only person that I got ahold of was my grandmother's caretaker. She told me that my grandmother is doing about the same (not well), that dying of Alzheimer's is a terrible thing, saddness grief how's my mother oy. Anyway, I started feeling crappy after this. I called my friend to ask him again if I could sit inside his place to check my email instead of be outside, but he didn't answer his phone. I felt myself break apart, and I've felt this way for the rest of the day. It sucks, I need to work. I realize that I didn't get school work done at all yesterday with the exception of the couple of pages that I read while I worked out. I have like 100 pages left to go for Tuesday. And I have to decide what I'm doing with these classes. If Grandma would just die already, I could plan to take the time off and be with my family and whatever. But, things don't work out so well planned. I don't know if I should try to just pick myself up again or try and get work done. I'm so sick of this fucking PTSD. I want it to go away. I'm tempted to go back to the psychiatrist and ask for some sort of pill to take away this roller coaster, but I know that, I really just have to let myself feel all of this, just experience, and keep moving forward.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

So you're not allowed to go inside his apartment? Living alone, or with his family? Shame on him! *S whacks A on the arm*

Monday, April 10, 2006 10:56:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

*A* rents a room in a house. There are lots of cats there, and I had my dog with me. He said I could have sat in the living room, but its hard to keep the dog calm with all the cats. He didn't want me in his room while he was changing, which was a bit ridiculous considering that he sleeps next to meet in his boxer shorts all the time, and I think that he was going to shower which was in a different room.

Monday, April 10, 2006 11:14:00 AM  

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