JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Dissed

Wow, a Jewish grad student friend of mine (M) has been trying to get ahold of me to invite me over to a second night seder. It turns out that the first night seder that I had originally got invited to was cancelled because someone else is hosting one (S) - someone who I happen to be pretty friendly with but who didn't bother to invite me. So, even though I put all this effort into organizing a Jewish community for myself including organizing a havurah which S was a member of - I've been dissed and now am stuck at Hillel for first night seder when most of my friends will be at a really nice home seder.

I need to figure out what to do with my plans for this quarter. I have to decide if I'm up for taking these two classes that I'm registered for or drop them immediately. BUT, I'm totally stuck in this decision. I want to try to take them, but there's the pressure of having to keep up, which I'm just not capable of doing right now. The more pressure on me to work, the less that I can get done. It is just the way that it is right now, I guess. But, I know that isolating myself and ignoring it doesn't help either. I'm not sure what to do. I'm tempted to call classmates for advice, but I'm worried about them judging me and gossiping about me to others.

Today, I feel like it is a struggle just to be outside or do anything other than sit on the couch and cry and watch tv and snuggle with my dog. I'm meeting my best friend to go out tonight for his birthday and have to pull myself together before then.

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