JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

A Little Help From My Friends

Thanks K for calling me just now. Our conversation made me realize that I am in a pattern with *A* where I want a single relationship to make me whole again, which clearly it can't. The path is to become whole (as much as possible) on my own and to focus on many connections to many people.

I wrote this poem several years ago, which I think displays my pattern:


for protection
in one
to overlook
my open wounds
numbing them
with a band-aid
of happiness
he takes off
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
So the focus of this poem is on how I don't have control over when the band-aid comes off, and that when it does, I am not yet healed. However, what it also illustrates is that I'm looking for this one person to "numb" my pain INSTEAD of just confronting my pain and taking responsibility for healing myself.

Part of my struggle with this is that I don't completely have faith that it is possible to fully heal. I feel like these wounds will always be here (even though I know this is false logic and a part of PTSD).

So anyway, thanks K for being such a good friend. I'm going to try to work on presentation for Tuesday.


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