JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Friday, April 14, 2006

*A* is Blowing Me Off!!!

I can't believe it. I just got a call from *A*, and he is blowing me off to go out with a couple of guys from work. I'm fighting off flipping out. I just ate a big thing of McD's fries and humos and had a glass of wine, but I still feel it coming on. I look forward to my Friday nights all week because of my time with *A*, I even talked about it in therapy today....this is my celebration of the evening and it staves of the anxiety. Well what the fuck?!?!?! He didn't even reschedule for tomorrow night, and next week I'm out of town. He seemed worried about me when I didn't answer the phone originally because I was working out, but almost like he's worried how I'll respond and he doesn't even miss our Friday night/Saturday mornings like I do. This is the second time that this has happened, but the last time he ended up coming by anyway. I just feel like this is the one thing in the world that I can count on. BUT, clearly I can't count on it. Now, the one thing I can count on is anxiety. This sucks. I felt so good after working out, and this just took that all away. Its so last minute too, it is really incosiderate of *A* to just blow me off so last minute. I had just worked myself up too to not eating compusively at night or drinking too much but fuck all that. I just want to get through tonight.

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