JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Plan for the Day

Okay, so last night sucked. And waking up without *A* sucked. But, I've got to get over it and figure out how to make the most of my day. I really need to work on this presentation that I'm giving on Tuesday. Then, at 4:45pm I'm expected to be at one of my advisors' house for a seder. I really don't know if I am up for going, but it is too late to back out. It was a really big deal to get an invitation. And my my main advisor/mentor is going to be there, which gives me comfort, but she's leaving super early, which means I'll be stuck there on my own. I think I'm mostly nervous because I don't know what to expect, and I feel like I have to put aside all of my anxiety somehow to get through the thing. I certainly can't talk about it there. I'll have to act "normal"/like everything's just hunky dory fabulous. So, I'm just going to do this today. Maybe before I go to the seder, I'll go work out. I've been working out seriously almost every day. My muscles are actually a bit sore. But, it eats away the anxiety, and I get to feel the endorphins. The stresseraser thing isn't working as well because when I'm really upset, I can't get my breath to be relaxed, so it just points out to me that I'm freaking out bascially. There is so much pressure on this week. I have a presentation at school on Tuesday and a completely different one at a conference next Sunday. Part of me doesn't feel up to it. Dr. S says that I have to use positive thinking. Instead of thinking about all of the things that can go wrong, I have to focus on it going well, imagining it going well like a track star would imagine winning a race. I think its a good idea; I'm just having a hard time actually doing it.

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