JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Can't Sleep: I Want My Mommy

I can't stop crying. I tried to get ready for bed, and this movie "Hanging Up" was on the television, and now I just feel hysterical. My mom is dying, and I need her. Sometimes she's not there at all and other times, like tonight, there are these beautiful glimpses that she really is there.

Again she was in her room tonight when I arrived. There wasn't any activity going on nor hardly any residents out. I got Mom some tea and yogurt and did some puzzles for a 1 and a half year old with her. She just wanted to watch tv after that, so I put in "Fiddler on the Roof." And, it was depressing that she couldn't remember the words like she did just last week. But my back was really hurting, and she noticed and asked if I would feel better if she massaged my neck a bit. I said yes that'd be nice, and she ever so glenty and carefully massaged my neck. I felt her hands there trying to heal me and I just wanted to break down and cry. There she was trying to take care of me admist this horrible situation.

I appreciated meeting up with my friend for a drink afterwards, but I just felt so stuck in my grief that it was hard to be present. And, I just started crying on the ride home. And this very sweet but somewhat intense and problematic guy that I met on the internet to distract myself called me to check in because I was doing all of this stuff he noticed to take care of others, and he wanted to make sure that I'm taking care of myself. It was sweet, but it I don't know, I just I just don't know how to do this; I don't know how to go through this maybe really long maybe really short process of losing my mother...every week she's worse than the week before, but then all of a sudden there are these things that come back.

I spoke with the lead care manager on the evening shift about keeping Mom out of her room, and she said that she'll try. I want to put together a list of things that they can have my mom do that won't take up much of their time but will keep her occupied. I hate having to advocate for my mom; I need her to be able to advocate for me. I feel like I'm having to mother my mom, and I need her to mother me.

And thank god, my sister sold her house and is moving back to KC, but I just don't know how I ended up here. God, I'm way too young for this to be happening, and I feel like it isn't worth feeling bitter about because lots of people have to go through this. But damn it; I am angry. I am angry that my mom is dying of this horrible disease. I hate this disease. I'm angry that my mom isn't being taken care of properly and that she needs me to stand up for her to get basic services. I hate that the people that I need to help me with this (not all but core people) - my Tante, my grandparents - they're all gone. I feel my heart tearing apart.


Anonymous Peg said...

Im so sorry Karma, that you are going through this. I'll tell you there are times when i just need the closeness of my Mom, it hurts when she pushes me away, she use to be so loving, I realize its only the disease. She use to know my name, but now she calls me and everyone else Baby. I want to go an just pour my heart out to her, just talk like we use to. God Bless you Karma, let him be your streangth through this. The thing with this disease, you dont know when the last days will be could be 7 to 10 more years cherish the time left. This maybe odd to you but i pray it wont be that long for my Mom, i dont know how much more that i can take at times. Its been 6 years for us and Mom is still going strong. I dont know how long i can be strong once Mom can nolonger get out of bed and needs round the clock care. Enjoy the up days, her smiles, her hugs, her massages(wish i could get one those from Mom)and her just being there. I dont what i would do if i didnt have family, friends for support. I hope you sleep well tonight.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006 2:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Deb Peterson said...

Karma--I can't say it any better than Peg. It's so hard to stop yourself from anticipating the future, but if you can go day by day, maybe that will help. You ARE too young to have this happen--I'm inspired by how strong you are. Have a real good cry when you need it and be extra kind to yourself. It's an awful experience to go through but remember that we're out here if you need a virtual shoulder to cry on. Don't hesitate to email me privately, either, if you want to talk.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006 5:37:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Deb and Peg. You're so supportive, and I really appreciate that. I honestly also pray that it won't be long for my mom and grandma at this point. I know that neither of them would want to live like this, and it is so heartbreaking to see my mom struggle so much. I still think my mom is thriving, but I don't want to see her end up like my grandmother. The end stages of this disease are really horrific.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006 7:50:00 AM  
Blogger Nushyman said...


I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. Just know that there are people like me - all the way on the other side of the world - sending you love and prayers. I hope you find the internal strength to cope with this. Just being there for your mom is commendable and you are justified for being angry.

Sending lots of love and strength from Israel.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006 12:19:00 PM  

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