Can't Sleep: I Want My Mommy

I can't stop crying. I tried to get ready for bed, and this movie "Hanging Up" was on the television, and now I just feel hysterical. My mom is dying, and I need her. Sometimes she's not there at all and other times, like tonight, there are these beautiful glimpses that she really is there.

Again she was in her room tonight when I arrived. There wasn't any activity going on nor hardly any residents out. I got Mom some tea and yogurt and did some puzzles for a 1 and a half year old with her. She just wanted to watch tv after that, so I put in "Fiddler on the Roof." And, it was depressing that she couldn't remember the words like she did just last week. But my back was really hurting, and she noticed and asked if I would feel better if she massaged my neck a bit. I said yes that'd be nice, and she ever so glenty and carefully massaged my neck. I felt her hands there trying to heal me and I just wanted to break down and cry. There she was trying to take care of me admist this horrible situation.

I appreciated meeting up with my friend for a drink afterwards, but I just felt so stuck in my grief that it was hard to be present. And, I just started crying on the ride home. And this very sweet but somewhat intense and problematic guy that I met on the internet to distract myself called me to check in because I was doing all of this stuff he noticed to take care of others, and he wanted to make sure that I'm taking care of myself. It was sweet, but it I don't know, I just I just don't know how to do this; I don't know how to go through this maybe really long maybe really short process of losing my mother...every week she's worse than the week before, but then all of a sudden there are these things that come back.

I spoke with the lead care manager on the evening shift about keeping Mom out of her room, and she said that she'll try. I want to put together a list of things that they can have my mom do that won't take up much of their time but will keep her occupied. I hate having to advocate for my mom; I need her to be able to advocate for me. I feel like I'm having to mother my mom, and I need her to mother me.

And thank god, my sister sold her house and is moving back to KC, but I just don't know how I ended up here. God, I'm way too young for this to be happening, and I feel like it isn't worth feeling bitter about because lots of people have to go through this. But damn it; I am angry. I am angry that my mom is dying of this horrible disease. I hate this disease. I'm angry that my mom isn't being taken care of properly and that she needs me to stand up for her to get basic services. I hate that the people that I need to help me with this (not all but core people) - my Tante, my grandparents - they're all gone. I feel my heart tearing apart.