JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

PMSing and Kvetching

God, I forgot to take the anti-depressant again this morning. I think that I'm going to have to figure out a way to leave these downstairs, even though my dad would freak if he knew that I'm taking them. But, I just feel so well, depressed when I don't them. And, it doesn't help that I'm PMSing.

I got up the courage to call the bartender whose been flirting with me and gave me his number. We're going out next Saturday night. Tonight, I have no plans, and I'm not happy about it. I don't feel like making this enormous effort to carve out a real life for myself in Kansas City when I'm not here that long, you know? I mean I don't want to contact all of these old acquaintances who I don't really keep in touch with and have to explain myself - why I'm here, what's going on with my family. I'm realizing how far behind I am in my school work, and I'm a bit anxious about it. I don't know, everything just feels a bit off right now. I got this really weird long email out of the blew from this guy I used to date whose telling me that he's starting to finally date someone else (he's a bit of a recluse) and that he's really happy, but he's thinking about me.

I think that I'm so caught up in trying to make sense of what's happening with my parents that I just can't make sense of anything else. Also, all of this traveling means that I've lost all of my routines, and as much as I try to start routines, I keep having to make adjustments, and it just makes me feel like nothing's quite right.

Part of these feelings have to do with not knowing exactly when I'm going back home or how I'll get there, if and how I'll bring my dog back, if my sister will be here by then, and if my mom's facility will start taking better care of her.

I actually called the floor coordinator yesterday and told her that it isn't safe for my mom to be in her room by herself anymore and that other than changing her pad, there isn't anything that she needs to be doing in there after she gets up and dressed. The coordinator didn't say much, just that she'd make a note of it. And then again last night, when I arrived, Mom was in her room by herself. I have so much anger the last few days because I just feel like my mom isn't getting proper treatment, and it isn't fair, and it isn't right.

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