JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Failed Attempt to Visit Grandma

I spent a long time thinking about and planning a visit to Grandma's so that my mom could see her mother at least one last time. I had been asking Mom about it several times if she wants to see her mother, and she said yes. I drove to pick up my mom (20 minute drive), got Mom ready (took 15 minutes), drove to Grandma's facility (20 minutes), arranged with Mom's cousin to have Grandma wheeled out to this area where we could all sit and visit, brought the dog, prepared what to say and got advice from the Alzheimer's Association, the director of my mom's floor, etc.

Anyway, we get there, and Judy (Mom's cousin) is sitting by herself. "Where's Grandma?" I ask. Judy told me to go check for myself and make the call, but that she didn't think it was a good idea. I left Mom with Judy and brought the dog to see Grandma. Grandma was in bed with some sort of safety matress next to her bed. She was sleeping. I tried to get her attention, rubbing her foot and saying "Grandma Dora, its [Karma]." I finally got her to open her eyes, but there was this expression on her face of confusion, but confusion to the point of anxiety/angery - like who are you and why are you disturbing me and what are you going to do to me.

So, I tried to talk to her some more and brought my dog over who gave her some licks on her hand, but still nothing. I asked the nurse to help me, but she said that Grandma's hearing aids have been lost and suggested that it wasn't a good time to get Grandma up.

So now, I've already prepped Mom to see her mother and gotten her all excited, and I go back to Judy and Mom and try to pretend like everything's okay and just avoid talking with Mom about where her mother is. It only took a couple of times, but I worry that Mom understood that something's wrong with her mother and will worry.

On the way back to Mom's facility, I stopped to get her a Mr. Goodcent's turkey sandwhich, which she really likes. I have to go back over there in a couple of hours to tuck Mom into bed, and I really don't have the energy. I was supposed to go with my Dad out to dinner with a friend of his, but I told him to go without me. I honestly have no appetite nor energy to be social. I just want to sit here and cry a bit before I have to pretend this stupid game like everything's okay.

I called my sister who suggested that maybe Grandma's just like this because her meds are being adjusted, but frankly I don't buy it. I've been over there twice, and neither time did Grandma recognize me. I really think that she's going downhill and will likely die within the next couple of months. I mean, if they can't get her to wake up, how are they getting her eat? I'm so angry that both times there were issues and excuses about her hearing aids - losing one of your senses in addition to dementia is just torturous. I feel so bad that she's in this state. And I feel bad for my mom that she couldn't just have an hour with her mother. And I feel sad for myself that this is going on.

Earlier today, I went to a friend's baby naming. There were a bunch of my friends from high school there, and one, Izzy, seemed to assume that I'm here mouching off my parents. She said: yeah, my brother moved back in with my parents after he finished college. It was nice for him to not have to pay bills. - - I didn't even bother correcting her about the situation; I just said, I bet that would be nice, but of course, I still have bills and a place of my own back in California. I talked to one or two people about the real situation, but otherwise just said I'm here for the summer. Well, first I said for a couple of weeks, but then I changed my story to let some people know that I want to see them if possible again while I'm here, but I didn't go into details about why I'm here. Anyway, I'm just rambling now. I guess I'll go sit and watch the war and have a drink.


Anonymous Deb Peterson said...

Karma--I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandmother. You've got so much going on--you can't let it all rest on your shoulders. At a certain point, have a good cry/drink and let go. Trust that there's a meaning to all this--we don't understand it now, but it's there. Take it one day at a time--easier said than done, I know. I hope you still have some time for your own work, and to hang out with the friends you can confide in. This must have been a really tough experience--to get psyched up for the visit and to have it not happen. I know a couple of days have passed and I hope you feel a little better.

Monday, July 24, 2006 5:57:00 PM  
Anonymous Peg Lee said...

Im really sorry about your Grandma, it must be difficult to have 2 LO's afflicted with this disease. I can tell you this that when you walk away from all this you will be a much stronger person then when you started this Journey.
Hugs to You,

Monday, July 24, 2006 6:24:00 PM  
Blogger Bailey Stewart said...

Oh Karma, I'm so sorry. There isn't anything that I can say that will make it any better, but my heart goes out to you. Yesterday, for the first time, mother didn't recognize me. This is just really beginning for me, so I can't even begin to imagine how it feels for you. Hugs.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006 7:52:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006 7:55:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Peg and Deb. It is really hard, especially because when I see my grandmother, I know that's what's going to happen to my mom, and soon. I will am working hard to make sure that this journey makes me stronger and doesn't tear me apart. I do have to do, as it seems Deb is suggesting, give myself permission to be upset/let it be hard every once in awhile.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006 7:59:00 AM  

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