The Psychological Components

I spoke with my therapist on the phone about the place of my father's voice in the way that I think about the whole tooth issue. He doesn't really have any faith in modern medicine (or dentistry in a lot of ways). He right away told me not to have the root canal. And now the root canal thing isn't working. And in my mind, I connect my father's lack of faith in the world generally, his whole way of looking at the world with this decision. He's trying to control my life, thinks that he can do it better than me, and here maybe he's right. So, as I try to hold on to control of my life and push my father to give my mom some sort of medication or something to help with the Alzheimer's, what does it mean if he's right in this regard?

If I don't get well, maybe it is a bad idea for me to fly (the pressure makes it more painful and increases possibility of getting sick), then how can I help take care of my mom?

I know that I've put a lot of pressure on myself, and there's a lot that I want to accomplish right now - put aside the PTSD stuff, take care of my mom, keep up with schoolwork aka do my research, and it seems to be just too hard on my body. I've been here before; stressing myself out and pushing myself too hard. I try to let up when I get sick; I know what I'm doing, but I still don't know how to not do this though and still accomplish things.

My massage therapist says that I am somatizing all of the emotions that I'm not letting out. Maybe that is part of the healing, just letting myself feel all of this. But, it is hard because I don't necessarily have a lot of outlets to do that on a regular basis - other than this blog, in therapy, and with my friend K.

I miss my mom so much. She would have remembered, if she didn't have Alzheimer's, that I am allergic to penicillin. She would come and take care of me. I miss her so much, even though she is still alive, so much of her is just gone already. I'm scared of what's happening to her, my dad, me, that the world is so scary and things can fall apart so quickly, and that there isn't anyone to take care of me like mom did (even though there are a couple of friends and family members who will take care of me a bit, but its not the same).

Clearly, part of all of this is stress and chronic problems that I have with my left side - the migranes, the tooth pain - all on my left side. I carry a lot of tension there, so there isn't good blood flow and holding on of lots of toxins. Okay, enough rambling on.