JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

The Psychological Components

I spoke with my therapist on the phone about the place of my father's voice in the way that I think about the whole tooth issue. He doesn't really have any faith in modern medicine (or dentistry in a lot of ways). He right away told me not to have the root canal. And now the root canal thing isn't working. And in my mind, I connect my father's lack of faith in the world generally, his whole way of looking at the world with this decision. He's trying to control my life, thinks that he can do it better than me, and here maybe he's right. So, as I try to hold on to control of my life and push my father to give my mom some sort of medication or something to help with the Alzheimer's, what does it mean if he's right in this regard?

If I don't get well, maybe it is a bad idea for me to fly (the pressure makes it more painful and increases possibility of getting sick), then how can I help take care of my mom?

I know that I've put a lot of pressure on myself, and there's a lot that I want to accomplish right now - put aside the PTSD stuff, take care of my mom, keep up with schoolwork aka do my research, and it seems to be just too hard on my body. I've been here before; stressing myself out and pushing myself too hard. I try to let up when I get sick; I know what I'm doing, but I still don't know how to not do this though and still accomplish things.

My massage therapist says that I am somatizing all of the emotions that I'm not letting out. Maybe that is part of the healing, just letting myself feel all of this. But, it is hard because I don't necessarily have a lot of outlets to do that on a regular basis - other than this blog, in therapy, and with my friend K.

I miss my mom so much. She would have remembered, if she didn't have Alzheimer's, that I am allergic to penicillin. She would come and take care of me. I miss her so much, even though she is still alive, so much of her is just gone already. I'm scared of what's happening to her, my dad, me, that the world is so scary and things can fall apart so quickly, and that there isn't anyone to take care of me like mom did (even though there are a couple of friends and family members who will take care of me a bit, but its not the same).

Clearly, part of all of this is stress and chronic problems that I have with my left side - the migranes, the tooth pain - all on my left side. I carry a lot of tension there, so there isn't good blood flow and holding on of lots of toxins. Okay, enough rambling on.


Blogger Gail Rae said...

If you were meant to follow your dad's advice and have his experiences, you'd be your dad. You, clearly, aren't. Look at it this way: There are probably millions of people in the United States, alone, who feel exactly the same way your dad does about dental procedures. Do you consider that all these other people are attempting to control your life?
True, your father would certainly like to control the lives of all his loved ones, but it is his choice to believe that if he can't control the lives of those closest to him then his own life is out of control. You can't stop him from operating in this manner, whether or not it is "good" or "bad" for him, but you've already recognized the dangers to yourself in this line of reasoning. Be assured, considering your heightened awareness, that you will not make your dad's choices. You will only make your own choices.
Carry on, and let your dad carry on in his way...and don't worry about overlap. You are already aware enough to skitter away from those silly little wavelets your dad sends to your shore.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 12:54:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks. And thank god my tooth is just fine now, after having the work done that he didn't want me to have done.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 3:02:00 PM  

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