JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Taking What I Need: A Wild Night

So there's something about taking care of people who are dying that can drain the life out of you. It is kind of a heavy feeling. And just from the way that I've been treated by men lately, I've really been desiring just having a wild night (pause to daydream about last night). Okay, so I've been hanging out a bit with this bartender yadada, anyway, I live with my Dad and he lives with his son, so we can't be alone anywhere, so when I told me that he had to get a hotel that night, I decided to use it as an opportunity to reclaim my sexuality. I normally don't do this sort of thing, but it just made me feel really alive and desirable and in touch with another human being around something other than suffering.

One of my mom's neighbors has been having some health problems and been in and out of the hospital, so I brought mom by to visit the neighbor and her son. Anyway, the son is kinda losing it; he's trying to hold onto everyone seeing things as he sees it. By this, I mean that he constantly was correcting his and my mother. He had told me that he doesn't want to lie, and so he's going to hold on to his version of reality as much as possible. And he sent away his sisters because he didn't like the way that they were doing things.

So, the lesson for me of all of this is that I need to take care of myself if I am going to be much use to my mom. And, if there are things out there that I feel a big withdrawl from, I can go out and find ways to try to fill this. Yea me.

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