JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Unbelievable: My Aunt Blames Me!

I called my aunt today, at my sister's request, to arrange to pick up my grandmother's car so that sis can drive it while she's in town and I can pick her up at the airport. So, my aunt goes off on me for not calling her and somehow blaming me that things went bad when I took Mom to Grandma's. I called my cousin (my aunt's son) to get advice on how to smooth things over and he warned me that my aunt blames me for my father not putting my mom on medication for Alzheimer's. OY! Like it isn't bad as it is, she has to make this more complicated. Whatever. I'm done with her. Luckily, my cousin seems okay about maintaining contact with me even if things are bad between me and his mom.

And, to make me feel even worse, my cousin told me that my grandmother is worse than when I saw her last. She's often in a paranoid psycosis, he claims. And my aunt seems to be dragging her feet on getting services to Grandma and some of the staff at her facility aren't so fabulous. So, isn't that just wonderful. He said he is trying to get Grandma some hospice care, thankfully. It just makes me so sad that she is suffering so much.


Blogger Karma said...

My aunt sent me the below email, so now I don't know how to respond. I didn't get this note she mentioned. Should I trust her enough to meet with her? And how hurtful that she infers that I care at all about the money instead of that I want things to remind me of my grandmother.

"I don't feel that this should be handled through e-mail. I think we should get together and talk it out. I know it's very hurtful for me and I imagine it is for you as well.
When you e-mailed that you were going to be here for the rest of the summer I e-mailed you back and said please call me..would love to see you. I left a note for you at [your Mom's facility] on top of some pictures I took for your Mom to have. It also said call me so we could get together. My intention was for you to meet me at Grandma's and take anything you want. I would certainly not give things away without giving you a chance to pick out what you want. Anything of hers that I sell I plan to divide the money among the grandchildren. I am not getting rid of anything important until all the grandchildren have had a chance to look at it....including you.
Let's try to find a time to talk......"

Monday, August 07, 2006 9:41:00 AM  
Blogger Bailey Stewart said...

It depends upon how important this relationship is to you. If it's important, then meet with her and explain that you didn't get her message. Don't bring up the money thing - just let it slide and mark it up to stress. Perhaps she didn't mean it that way. If the relationship isn't important I'd still tell her that you didn't receive her message and maybe arrange to meet with your cousin present. Lousy situation - sorry.

Monday, August 07, 2006 9:56:00 AM  
Anonymous Peg Lee said...

I had my Aunt (moms sister) blame my brother, sister and myself for Mom getting this disease. I would tell her you didnt get the message, and still meet with her. Sometimes things just have a way of working out.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006 5:52:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there, fallen off the map for a while but I thought I'd respond. I agree, I don't think this can be handled through an email. Set up a time to meet with her, and remember, you have solid, genuine intentions and she's a fool if she does not see that in your eyes when you meet. Tones of words can often be misconstrued in the written word. Don't forget to breathe deeply also when you see her, I tend to clench up and hold my breath in a situation like that I'd imagine. The time has come to get this over with -- perhaps it will even clear some sort of air. I know you don't care about the money, that's not why you do the things you do. You'll be strong and listen to your aunt as necessary, I imagine. Can't wait to hear about the meeting.

Love, S.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006 8:20:00 AM  
Anonymous Deb Peterson said...

Karma--It sounds like she's dealing with her own powerlessness by blaming you, which is most certainly unjustified. That's the only thing I can think of, since she should certainly understand something of what you are going through. I'll second what Bailey said--I think it's excellent advice.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006 5:29:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks everyone for your advice and support!

Tuesday, August 08, 2006 8:52:00 PM  

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