Negative Coping Mechanisms

What a day I've had! Before I left the house to walk my dog, I got a call from my dad that Mom had a seizure. She hadn't eaten anything, and no one could wake her up. They just left her on a couch in the "living room" because it was too hard to move her anywhere. And she hadn't been given her medication, which doesn't make sense to me (although I didn't say it to Dad), but she should get liquid Ativan when she has a seizure, so they only need to open her mouth to give it to her.

While I'm talking to my dad, I get a call from my credit card company. Yes, my credit card company called me on Sunday! So I knew that I had to take the call. They told me that they suspected that my card number has been stolen.

I made it to spinning class, crying a bit on the car ride over to the gym as I process what's happening to Mom. I arrive a bit late to my ex-girlfriend and the teacher. (That's the whole class!) I announce what's happened that morning and am a bit disappointed when the ex doesn't ask anything following up about my Mom.

When I get home, I have to rush to get to Costco to pick up a few things. I host book club at 2pm, so its a rush to get ready. Only 2 people show, and they show almost an hour late. Neither of them have read the book. The second person doesn't leave until 5pm.

At that point, I'm feeling a bit anxious about not having gotten any work done all weekend. So, I text the ex, who had said she'd be at a coffee shop doing work with another friend of ours. I asked her to text me. So since I hadn't heard, I texted her. I didn't hear back for an hour. I decided to eat quickly before going. Then, just as I was on my way out with my laptop and a pile of books, she calls to say that they're all leaving.

So now I'm super frustrated, with emotions and nerves just swimming around. I write for a bit, and then call my neighbors to see if they want to share the rest of the champaign from book club. They say to come over, although serve me a huge glass and then don't have any. To top it off, one of them just arrived back to town, so I'm feeling super awkward being there.

Now I'm home and just had a bit of a food binge. I still am feeling anxious and just completely off.

Here's some of what's adding on to my anxiety:
1. I had a super awkward therapy experience. Thursday, I missed my appointment because I was too focused finishing my dissertation proposal. Twenty minutes in to my appointment, my therapist called me. She suggested that we just talk on the phone until the phone is up. So, I told her about how I'm feeling anxious about the fact that I didn't have plans for the weekend. I had scheduled Saturday with this guy that I met online, but he had blown me off. I'm super disappointed about. She kept pushing me to just find someone else to hang out with or comfort myself in the feelings. As time was running out, I told her that I'm tired of having this conversation with her (we've done it several times in the past). It makes me feel very negative, and it disregards the core issues that are beneath. The issue is that I have a deep loneliness, a fear of being alone and not being loved, and a lack of self-esteem. She has to get off the phone to go to a meeting, but asks if I'm "okay." I am annoyed by this over-played script of blowing me off. So, instead of just saying yes and getting off the phone, I tell her that the world isn't going to end because I spend a weekend alone.

2. Augh I'm so disappointed that this guy blew me off. I know that part of what happened is that when I met him, I was still in conference/travel/exhaustion mode. So I was too formal and not open enough. I know that part of me is just not ready to be with someone, but I SOOO desperately want a partner.

Roller Coaster Ride of Stress

Thanks for checking up and nudging me, April. I apologize to all of my readers for having been lax in posting. I have been on this roller coaster ride of stress and emotions. Things with my class have been intense - going very well or with very big problems. Preparing for it has taken a huge chunk of my life. Luckily next week is the last week.

To add to that, Mom is not doing well. She's losing weight rapidly, becoming less and less mobile, less responsive to people other than the other residents (apparently they have these non-nonsensical conversations), and just generally on a fast moving decline. Its upsetting to hear, especially because, as consistent with how things have been, is not getting the level of treatment that I think she should.

Add to that trying to fit in writing fellowship applications and doing research for my team, I've just been this ball of stress. Every night, the stress level increases so much that I eat and drink to soothe it. Then, I feel relaxed and can fall asleep, but wake up around 3 am feeling sick and stressed and am struggle to fall back asleep. So, I'm stressed and then exhausted and then trying to function at this lower level and then fall behind, become more stressed, use more bad coping mechanisms, and become more exhausted. I'm in a bad cycle right now.

But, I spoke pretty openly about it yesterday with my therapist. She told me, as she often does, that I need to learn how to take care of myself, to soothe myself when I'm feeling anxious and stressed. It broke the cycle for me - and then I went to acupuncture today and then got a massage and had dinner with the massage therapist. Now, I'm feeling a lot calmer and more in control of my emotions. But, this is my struggle right now - trying to manage the anxiety even in the midst of chaos.

I mean in the time that I write this post, I found out that Mom had a seizure today and had to deal with all of the drama surrounding that. Augh! Grr! Such anguish to have your mother not be well. My massage therapist (who also does astrology) said that I'm going through a period of deep transition and so I need to really mine all that comes up for me now and give in to the fact that its just a hard time.

So, I should try to come back more regularly to blogging. I think that it will help me find time to deal with my thoughts and get them out of my head instead of constantly nagging at me. Thanks to all of you who continue to read my posts and send me support.

Insomnia, Feeling Broken, and Acceptance

At first, I felt super empowered about coming out to my family, but as time went on, I started to really worry about what Dad would do. My anxiety about this and things with Mom and school and everything have really been taking a toll on me. My insomnia has really kicked up another notch, and I've noticed that I'm stress eating like every night before bed, and it has messed up my digestion.

I tried going to a meditation workshop on Sunday. It was in the gorgeous location, and there were a lot of people there. But, I still had a hard time getting into it. In part because I missed the Saturday stuff, having had to be at a breakfast with my advisor. She had told me to send out an email to tell people to go to this one restaurant - - and then she shows up at a completely different one and made us come over there. Augh!

Anyway, my sister has been great recently. And then, as she was checking in with me, I got a call from Dad. He got my letter.

He sounded a little bit chocked up. He said something along the lines of: It isn't the worst thing in the world. The worst thing in the world is to have to lose your spouse and best friend. She's the person that was there for me to lean on through the hard times in my life, and I can't lean on her now. Now, I have to take care of this little girl that she's become.

Then, he gave me some spiel about how he and Mom tried to be an example for my sister and me (clearly hinting that I'm not following the example when I date women). But, then he was like okay, let's talk about these new phones that I bought and how the weather's been.

I'm kinda in shock. Clearly, Dad's feeling broken. He even said at one point how he sees his life as basically over other than taking care of Mom. Otherwise, he would have really tried to fight with me, I think. I'm feeling a little broken too - I can't relax, can't sleep, can't stop eating so much, getting stuff confused all the time. I even showed up at therapy today at the wrong time.

When I came back later in the day for my appointment, my therapist and I spoke about how I have this pattern of spinning out of control with anxiety and ending up like a hamster on a wheel running around feeling more and more ragged.

And here's where I continue with that pattern: I have a date tonight, which I'm sort of not in the mood for. This weekend is my camping trip, which makes me anxious because I'm not quite sure what to expect and not feeling super comfortable being dependent upon the people I'm going with. I going to go start up on taking anti-anxiety med before bed on nights when I'm super stressed so that hopefully I can start getting some sleep again. I'm going to try to make myself finally workout after a little hiatus. I'm trying to finish my exam and my fellowship application......

Stress, Anxiety, and a Food Coma

Ah, where to begin with the stress of today. I had someone coming to clean the house who kept changing the time, and then finally showed up to explain that her cleaning partner and husband wasn't coming because his diabetes is so bad that he's having severe leg pain. All the while, I'm trying to finish this fellowship application that I need done like yesterday. At the same time, I'm talking to my sister who still hasn't heard back about this job that she had a second, third, and fourth interview for yesterday.

I had dropped my car off at the dealership this morning because there was some sort of recall. I explained that I had a meeting at 3pm, but was told that I could be picked up at 2pm no problem. At 2:30pm, I call and find out that the driver is still downtown picking people up and not even on his way. The dealership makes me sound somehow horribly selfish: "you're not the only person we have to pick up."

So, I just jumped on my bike and ran up to campus. Somehow along the way, I forgot about yesterday's change of meeting times, so while I showed up just about on time for the meeting, I hung out outside the room for almost 20 minutes, hearing some voice in the room and thinking I was early and didn't want to bother my advisor. When I walked in, they asked where the hell I was, and I just felt like such a schmuck. It was the airport spiel all over again.

They told me that this other fellowship I had also planning on applying for, I'm not actually eligible for it. And I feel bad for just always making these big mistakes and not being on task.

I mentioned Cory to my advisor who told me that she does NOT approve. It actually made me feel better about it because I know that he's not the guy for me (despite the amazing chemistry), but it still was a big thing to start the process of letting that go.

Then, I came home and had to immediately walk back over to the dealership (because they don't give rides this late). As I'm walking, I call Dad. He tells me that Mom had a bad day and was walking with one shoulder much higher than the other. He took her to the facility nurse to be examined and was told that she's fine. He also mentioned that it seems like the sleeping pill isn't working. So later, he got a message that she won't get the sleeping pill anymore.

Now here's where this makes me mad: Dad and I had agreed that the pill isn't working, but I talked with him several times about not just cold turkey taking her off of it so the sleep doesn't get worse and about him not talking about this with the nurse facility but instead actually talking with the doctor. But, apparently its being done cold turkey. Dad said: "I'm just the messenger." I wanted to yell back that he isn't just being told what will be done; he's in charge. Mom never sees a doctor, and this issue is important. Plus, Dad blames every issue Mom has had since she started the sleeping pill, on the sleeping pill. He said that it was wrong of him to try a sleeping pill at all. I WANTED to scream back that maybe if she actually got on a sleeping pill that was controlled release like I suggested that it might have helped (since her problem isn't falling asleep, its staying asleep). But instead, I just calmly explained that since she's been getting steadily worse, we can't really blame EVERY symptom on the pill.

So, I made myself some comfort food with LOTS of cheese and white wine and went into a food coma and fell deeply asleep on the couch. I hope tomorrow is better. Oh, and its Dad's birthday, I see on my calendar. Lovely.

At this stage with Mom, it is just WAAAY too hard. She isn't properly under the care of a doctor, but REALLY needs to be. The facility doctor's nurse's assistant will just okay for the doctor whatever, but they've totally ixnayed the possibility of trying an anti-anxiety for her sleep apparently. I should say that I called the doctor's office when I got home. Even though Dad asked me not to because it was already 8pm there. But I don't care. I care that my Mom is being set up for a horrible night. The nurse's aid told met that they don't taper off sleeping pills and that he recommends this anti-depressant trazodone, but Dad isn't okaying that, so she'll just go with nothing. I hate that I wasn't given options for Mom - it was either she takes this one thing or nothing.

Clearly, I'm way too stressed out. But, what can I do to lower the stress level when things are still going on with Mom, everything's a fight with Dad, sis and her husband are still unemployed, and I'm way behind with my work.

Taking Care of Myself

I had called my therapist to talk with her about how I was feeling. And she was completely unhelpful. I just really got the sense that she was trying to get me off the phone. That kinda frustrated me, especially her advice to just handle the anxiety. I feel like when I have anxiety sometimes it is because I have anxious tendencies and I need to just deal with that but other times its pointing out something important and I need to pay attention to that.

But as I move away from reacting to her and being able to look more clearly at what's going on, I've decided to put a lot this weekend into taking care of myself. I went to acupuncture this morning, am getting a massage this afternoon, going to a movie with friends (after I made the first move). Tomorrow I'm going to buy myself a bicycle, get some exercise, get a facial, and go along with friends to a barbecue.

I've got a lot of work to do and am also trying to get a lot done so that I'll have time to be with Jerry when he returns. So much work!

And its just another week until I'm off to Kansas City to see my parents.

Loneliness and Anxiety

Augh! I'm still feeling lonely and anxious. As I write this, the phone rings, and I get excited thinking that someone is finally calling me. But, its just an organization looking for a donation. Sigh. During my office hours, a peer of mine (who I really have issues with - - long story) told me that an undergrad in her lab is taking my class. The undergrad told her that I seem very nervous when I'm teaching and feels sorry for me.

Of course, I FEEL anxious when teaching. Its really fun, and I'm enjoying it, but its hard to get up in front of 60 people and try to get them to talk and to lecture at them. Its hard though to know that I'm not doing a very good job of hiding it. I don't want to have people feel sorry for me when I'm teaching; I'd like them to respect and admire me!

Anyway, I called me therapist to talk about these feelings that I'm having about Jerry being gone, and she basically just told me to try to manage the anxiety the best I can and next week when we have a therapy appointment, we can talk about why I'm feeling the anxiety.

I have NO plans with anyone ALL weekend. I will have something to do Friday night - I'm just trying to finalize plans. I still feel this lingering anxiety and sadness almost all the time now, and I wish that I could make that go away.

This Week's Update

Wow, I really haven't been blogging as much as I used to. I do very much keep up with everyone's responses, which I greatly appreciate. And I'm trying to keep up with some of your blogs. I'm just really busy these days and not feeling as much of a need to write as much - I think because there's so many good things happening.

I'm supposed to host a prospective grad student to my department tonight, and her train is running about an hour late. I had planned to go hiking with Jerry, then pick up the prospy, get take out Chinese (on the department) and head on over to my friends' place for the L-Word. Jerry made plans to pick me up at 3pm, but when I called him at 3:15, seemed spacey about the whole thing. We rushed through hike because the first place we went was covered with brush and ended up not getting a lot of exercise so that we could get back in time for me to get to the train station in time.

Anyway, a lot of worry and effort to plan things only to have them fall apart. It hits a bit of a nerve with me - because I have a tendency to feel out of control with things and over planning helps me feel more in control EXCEPT in cases like this where nothing quite works. Also, now I'm going to have to miss the L-Word (grr). I think that I could have made things work out a bit more if I had more hutzpah, but I have a hard time asking for things, especially when things fall apart a bit and I lose my confidence.

All in all though, its been a pretty nice week. I am stressing a bit about the amount of revision work that I have to do to my thesis. Also, tomorrow night this writing group that I organize is supposed to look at something that I want to turn into an article, and I'm feeling very unprepared.

Time is kinda flying by. I'm feeling a bit nervous again about going to this upcoming conference by myself. But, I'm excited to go home to KC and see my Mom. It was her birthday on Friday. I sent flowers and Jewish pastries she likes from a NY Jewish bakery. She sent me a nice card in return. When I told her how old she was, she got really upset about it. So, when I spoke a later time with Mom and my sister, when Mom asked how old she was, my sister told her "39." Mom still didn't like that, so I said that my sister was kidding and really she's "29". Mom seemed to like that a lot better. Of course, both my sister and I are in our early 30s, so you figure that one out.

Yesterday, I took Jerry to my department barbeque and felt more comfortable there with his accompaniment. Then, we went to see Yo Yo Ma in concert, which was amazing; Jerry's friend got us in for free somehow. Next, we headed to his beer brewing club, had some Thai food, and watched Borat. Jerry spent the night for a first time in a long time, and I really liked that. I'm finally sleeping well with someone else in the bed - - although by the end of the night, by 15 lb dog had shoved Jerry's legs over to my side of the bed, so I didn't have a lot of room.

I'm working to keep my focus on the positive things and on making the most out of every moment. I'm noticing how rigid I am about certain things - when and what I eat, when I sleep - and I'm trying to not get as grochy when things can't go exactly the way that I am used to them going. And at the same time, balance this with paying attention to my needs and not getting subsumed in taking care of others.

Panicky About Upcoming Travel

I'm presenting at this conference the end of the month, which I've known about for awhile and been asking peers if they're looking for roommates, but just kinda been in denial about. I got panicky about the conference last year too. Traveling by myself and especially staying at a hotel by myself can trigger PTSD symptoms for me, especially if I'm not familiar with where I'm going and/or there isn't anyone looking out for me during the travels.

I asked Jerry if he wants to go with me, but he's got a class that he can't miss, so that's a no go.

A peer that I barely know set me up with someone to possibily room with, but the idea of that freaks me out maybe even more than just staying by myself. But getting a hotel room for three nights by myself seems ridiculously expensive. I don't even know what I'm going to do there by myself - I know a couple people who might be going, but I certainly don't have anyone to hang out with. I need to tap into that independent, explorer part of myself.

I got so nervous about it today, looking at hotel rooms, that I decided to just take some time off from everything and did some gardening. That was like two hours ago. I want to try to take the pressure off and think about how to make the trip fun, but thinking about it just makes me kinda shaky. Augh! Stupid PTSD.

Okay, here's what might be fun to do in Oakland/San Franciso:
1. Friday night I can go to services at the Jewbu schul.
2. I really like the Haight area - although I don't know if it'll really be fun alone.
3. I can probably find some other Jewbu/meditation things to check out.
4. Maybe I could get my friend Merissa to come up with me?

Part of the reason why this is such a big deal also is that I'll probably drive, which means driving right by my cousins who aren't speaking to me. Normally on such a drive, I would stop by and see them and be encouraged to spend a night. But, now I'll have to just drive right by, and the thought of this makes me very sad.

Nice Valentine's Day, Travel Plans Lead to Stress

I had a really nice Valentine's Day last night with Jerry. I stressed myself out a bit trying to get everything ready, but I was able to let that go and just enjoy the night. I also got to speak with my Mom, which was great, even though I still don't think she really remembers me. I also got a card from her today that my sister helped her make. There was also a note from my 5 year old niece that said "I love you."

I didn't sleep well last night, which was a shame. We put something on the tv, and I fell asleep snuggling with Jerry, but after I got into bed, it was like some switch flipped, and I was wide awake. I still can't figure out how he feels about me. He seems to be openning up, and I feel that we're connecting, but its hard for me sometimes that he doesn't verbalize what he's feeling. He even mentioned that lack of communication was why he broke up with his last serious girlfriend. But, I still wonder if he's trying to take things slow. Its in some ways keeping me grounded, I guess.

I'm supposed to be going to San Diego either tomorrow or Saturday for a friend's birthday party. I can't decide if I should take a train or drive and when I need to go and I can't find help with my dog and my friend is pressuring me to get there earlier than later and *A* is giving me a hard time about getting here Friday night because he wants to hang out at the bar. My sister gave me a bit of a hard time about visiting my grandmother's sister on the way, which I want to do, but kinda fear that it'll be too emotional for me. All of sudden tonight too, I just started feeling this sense of panic - that life or death PTSD thing like this is a big decision even though what's the big deal...I know. Traveling triggers me. Especially when alone. I feel like I've been floating and then all of a sudden there are these currents, and I feel myself go under a bit.

All in all, I'm doing well, and things with Jerry are good, and school is good, and here I get a few days off so why should I feel stress, right? I am going try to see the stress as an opportunity to practice not letting myself get lost in the PTSD anxiety feelings and to self regulate. I just wish someone was freaking going with me though. Jerry's going to San Francisco, and I wish that I was going with him or something. Or, I wish I could just stay home and be left alone. I do realize that this is all about a pattern though, and that I can practice letting it go.

And the Anxiety Appears

After I wrote last post, I've noticed this underlying anxiety that I'm feeling. I really like Jerry, and I'm frightened by that. I just SO could not take getting my heart broken right now. And, I'm sure this is what I do all the time to mess up relationships; get anxious about them and through my anxiety, set it up to fail. Dating is so hard; jeez!

I think that the path is to just sit with the anxiety and not do things to cover it up - like getting too physical too fast or getting too emotionally attached too fast. One of the hard things about this is that there aren't people here that I can really talk to about this sort of thing who would keep me on track. But, thanks to all you blogger readers who send comments. In the end though, it is my responsibility to keep myself on the path. I just have to think of it as a practice that I do daily and not get too wrapped up about what might happen in the future or pain from my past.

The Phone Call From Z

So Z calls me and says that he paid $8 to some service to get my Dad's number in order to try to get back in touch with me: "I'm stalking you now." He also told me that he googled me in trying to find me and has been reading about things I've been doing. My mouth hit the floor. He asked me how spontaneous I am and what I'm doing this weekend and then invited me to come stay with him in Michigan this weekend.

Me: "as in two days from now."

Z: "No, tomorrow."

I don't quite know what to make of the whole thing. He admitted to having been in MY town somewhat recently and in being in Kansas City the beginning of December when I was there when Grandma died. (Well, I didn't tell him that part.) It seems strange to me that all of a sudden after months and months and months, now he wants to see me. I'm worried that he just wants a fling, but kinda hoping that maybe he's really been thinking about me as I've been thinking about him.

But now he has my email and phone number, I guess the ball is in his court.

Here's the hard parts: 1) Not getting too excited or ahead of myself with any of this. But, I mean come ON this is Z! Jeez, I've had a thing for this guy for over 10 years AND he's Israeli and spriritual in a Jewish way AND an academic. 2) Not messing things up with the guy that I'm starting to date here because I do #1.

I called my therapist (which I need to stop doing), who suggested that I've mentioned that I get hung up in the past by leaving my own needs out of the picture and by getting too far ahead of myself. So, the practice, let me repeat it again, is to remain calm, not get ahead of myself aka remain in the present moment, and not let go of myself or my priorities

More Migraines and Anxiety

I went to bed last night developing a migraine. Clearly, there's too much anxiety in my life right now. I think I'm going to drop at least one of my classes, so that I don't have to hit the ground running as much when I return home.

Here's what's driving my anxiety right now: My dad and sister are still going on and on about Grandma's estate and my aunt's behavior. I was supposed to meet for lunch with my friend who works at the bank and manages my grandmother's estate, but had to cancel because of the migraine. She still wants to talk to me about this. I'm having dinner at her house tomorrow night. Her husband, my lawyer, called me up today encouraging me to sue my father because he's going to use his power of attorney to have the money that Mom will inherit from her mother to go to him. I reiterated to my friend that I'm not suing my family. But, I'm a bit uncomfortable now with both of them, especially since she's been messing a bit with my dad and sister, I think unintentionally. Its clear though, at least, that she's been pushing to meet with me and my sister more than with my cousins because she's setting us up to potentially challenge Dad's rights over my mother's share of the money. Gross! I really want no part of any of it BUT I'm hoping that by having this dinner where we don't talk about it all that we can retrack our friendship. Am I being naive?

My date for Saturday wants to pick me up (will she hint to my father something about it being a date and blow that I'm not out to him) at the house at 10:30pm. I negotiated 10pm, but this messes with my cognative behavioral sleep schedule that has me asleep at 11pm. We're going to the lesbian bar downtown, and it will be difficult for me to get home without her....but its a half hour drive down there, so its clearly going to be a later night than I need. I hate having this sleep issue; it almost always messes with dating. So what am I supposed to do? If I mess with my sleep schedule, I can make myself sick and throw it off altogether, although I guess that I'm flying in a few days to a different time zone so it'll get messed up already. This is just a longer term issue than just Saturday night. Its an issue of how to have a social life and keep the sleep schedule.

I just hope that by getting this out tonight on my blog, I can go sleep off the migraine tonight and wake up feeling better tomorrow. I scheduled a massage for Mom, which I'm hoping I can get my father to pay for on a regular basis, but the massage therapist wants me there the first time to help get Mom on the table and to be around if needed. I'm going to get sandwichs for Mom, me, and Mom's cousin and maybe my sister and her gang (they just got back into town tonight). Mom's really excited. Then, Saturday, I'm going to pick Mom up and take her to my sister's house, where I've arranged for my father to make us all his specialty, hamburgers. I'm trying to pack in doing nice things for her before I leave again. Leaving her with no scheduled return is another big piece of my anxiety....

The Underlying Anxiety

Okay, I actually have been sleeping fine, but I relate to this picture of anxiety. I find myself with running throughts in my head like this. So, why else did I pick this picture? I've been reflecting on what happened yesterday in group.

This has been a majorly difficult year for me, and the last thing that I need is for people to be picking on me. I am definitely commited to working on myself and improving myself, but I don't think that I'm in a good place to be making drastic changing, which it seemed to me the group yesterday was advocating.

So then last night, I'm IMing my friend who is getting married next month, and I ask him what the attire is. He tells me that I should wear a cocktail dress. Then he starts to give me a hard time for not shaving my legs (a feminist political thing that I've done, or not done, since high school).

Well I don't have any cocktail dresses anymore. I do have this dress that I wore in KC and left there, but nothing really fits me anyway so well since I've lost a bunch of weight in the last year or so (gone down 2 sizes). And I never get dressed up anymore at all, especially for something not related to my professional life. And finding a way to pull off a dress with the hair on my legs quite frankly is difficult sometimes - because I don't want it to be obvious at the wedding.

So, I ran over to Macy's and tried on all of these traditonal, age appropriate looking dresses and didn't look so good in any of them, until I found this one (see picture). It looks so good on me because it highlights my best feature (yeah just guess) but downplays my German belly (yeah a lot of Germans have bellys). The guy from the shoe department looked at it and helped me pick out this swanky, elegant pair of knee high black boots to wear with it.

But, today, when I think about it - maybe this dress is too risque? Maybe it isn't appropriate for a wedding? I don't know. I asked my sister about it (rare for me to ask her for advice). And maybe I need to go return it, but it felt so good to look in the mirror and have a sexy image look back at me.

Also, I realize that part of why I think that excites me so much is that I'm going to the wedding with *A*, and he doesn't notice me physcially anymore at all. I mean, he never noticed things ever really - in high school he wouldn't notice if I was wearing a beautiful formal dress or sweats or if I gained or lost weight. Well, I know he doesn't notice this now either, but it excited me to feel noticable, like there is something here worth noticing. I know it is a problem to think like this. I need to just find the self-confidence within myself.

So what do you think: Should I return the dress?

Link

Coming Out of the Closet: Worried About My Ex-Girlfriend

Okay, so many of you don't know this about me, but I'm bi-sexual. I've only dated one woman, J, and this was a couple of years ago, although we're still friends and there's still very much a connection between us. She is also bi and is seriously dating some guy.

Anyway, she is in Oaxaca doing research. Yesterday, I got an email from a professor in my department titled "Massacre in Oaxaca." It made me very nervous to say the least, so I called J's best friend to find out if everything's okay with J. And, it is. For now. But, things could very quickly erupt there, and I fear she's really in danger.

But, writing to J over email and thinking about something happening to her, I realize how much I really care for her. I wrote her this email about how much living through violent conflict has effected me, many friends, my grandparents...it just made me feel more passionate about how much I don't want anything to happen to her. Of course, I don't feel that I have the right to say too much because in the end, she's with this guy, and I could have stepped in and fought for her at any time, but I choose to let her work things out with him and be with him because she seems happy.

On a side note, I had dinner with *A* last night and then hung out at my neighbors' place until way too late. I really like them and want to become more friendly with them, although I think that I seriously overstayed my welcome. (I didn't realize how late it was!) We talked about the murder though, and that really elevated my anxiety level. Last night, I had a nightmare that I left the front door unlocked, and someone came inside to hurt me.

Anyway, I hope that the purple parrot and whichever other of my friends who read this but don't know that I'm bisexual don't think any differently about me. The purple parrot might find it especially interesting that the woman in her office (P) made uber homophobic remarks to me, which is why I felt wierd about explaining that I was going to the gay bar in Jerusalem because I felt comfortable there, not just stam, even though I know I could have just told you and you wouldn't have thought any differently about me.

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Signs of Serious Depression

I think that I may have fallen into a serious clinical depression. Well, after my neighbor was murdered, I fell back into a bought of PTSD. And then, after my grandmother fell into the end stages of Alzheimers and dad told me that Mom had declined really abruptly and steeply and that he wanted to put her in a home, the PTSD was overshadowed by depression.

I see both a psychologist for therapy and a pschiatrist to get medication. I had just gotten off all medications that I had been taking for PTSD in early January, but quickly went back on something (Restoril) to help me sleep after the murder. And then, after the depression hit with all of the horrible news of the decline of Mom and Grandma, I've been taking a low dose of an anti-depressant.

And that really helped. But lately (and especially since I've been back home), I really have this anxiety and depression going on all the time. It is exhasterbated by the fact that I have a very poor social network here. And I know that going out and staying connected to people is really vital, but I'm at the point where the anxiety and depression are limiting my ability to do this. I know it doesn't help that most of my friends here can't be bothered with me BUT in the end, I have to pull myself out of this and take responsibility for myself.

I'm thinking about adjusting my medication, but there are so many bad side effects to these sorts of things that I'm a bit afraid of it. I worry that maybe the anti-depressant that I'm on is not working so well anymore and might even be making things worse. (I take Wellbrutrin which can cause anxiety.)

I also have been looking into support groups and classes around town that might connect with people. I try making plans with others. But, I just feel so incredibly stuck right now.

I called my therapist yesterday, and she thinks that now that I'm away from my family, all of the things that I've been not dealing with in my life in order to be able to focus on my mom, well they're all now surfacing and wanting attention.

But, I just need to focus right now on getting my thesis out because I'm so far behind and by December, I need to be able to focus again on Mom. Today, I need to completely wipe my laptop's hard drive and start over again, it is causing me so many problems (and no, I don't exactly know what I'm doing there). *A* had made plans to have breakfast with me, but that isn't going to happen because he's going to play disk golf. Carly's ignoring me altogether. I do have plans to go out tonight, but it is later than when I'd like to go (10pm on Sunday), and I honestly just don't feel like it.

All of this shows me that I really need to get some help. I've got signs of serious depression.

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