Exhaustion: A Familiar Feeling

I feel completely and totally exhausted. I'm so exhausted that I want to cry, but I can't let myself sit down long enough to do so. Last Friday, I had intended to go to a vigil, but I was stuck meeting with an advisor until 5:30pm, so I couldn't go. I worked most of the weekend, and even on Saturday when I got a massage, I couldn't stop myself from talking to the therapist. My body is on such a run mode, that even when I'm relaxing, I can't stop from these constant thoughts. I can't really relax in this state.

I won't bother you with any more details of my running around, but suffice it to say that I have almost no time for myself. And I'm so behind with work that I'm no longer working very efficiently or effectively.

Mom is doing really badly - she's completely incontinent now, she's barely walking anymore, she won't eat unless nudged and reminded. I can't get anyone from hospice to call me back, and I just feel crappy knowing that she's doing so badly and there's nothing I can do.

I know that I need to not be working so hard and such long hours, but I'm so behind with work, its hard to stop. As my mother compares to disappear, I find myself more and more wanting someone to take care of me, and really feeling the loss of not having someone to do that. I'm almost angry at other people for not taking care of me and feeling like people who cannot do so are not worth my time right now. I know that the first step really is to learn to take care of myself.

Survivor Needs MEME

Marj at Survivors Can Thrive has created a MEME about what survivors like myself need and want, and she's tagged me! The rules, according to her, are at the end. The point of this MEME is that we learn to take better care of our needs in the coming year. So here goes:

What I Need

• I need good sleep for 8 hours a night. It doesn't come easy, so I need to practice cognitive behavioral therapy and sometimes even take anti-anxiety medication.
  
• I need to feel supported and cared for and noticed.
• I need to eat well and avoid triggering foods.
• I need to exercise regularly to relieve stress and release endorphins.
• I need to stay present with my feelings and not try to push them down or avoid them.
• I need to learn how to enjoy the present moment instead of getting lost in memories of the pasts or fears about the future.
• I need to be able to reclaim my sexuality in a healthy way.
• I need to tell people what I want, to surround myself with people who respect my boundaries and give me what I need.
• I need to develop healthy self-esteem.
• I need a community.
• I need to be working to make the world a better place.
• I need to talk about my feelings and experience, to be heard and supported in my quest.
• I need to be free from people who abuse and misuse me.
• I need time to myself, to just be, to snuggle with my dog.
• I need to be believed when I tell my story or tell others what I need.
  

What I Want

• I want chocolate, wine, comfort food.
• I want something to take the pain and suffering away.
• I want lots and lots of good friends.
• I want hot, steamy sex.
• I want to succeed in my career.
• I want a life partner.
• I want a vacation.
• I want a cure for Alzheimer's.
• I want my Mom back.
• I want pictures of my family and from my childhood.
• I want my cousins, Kathy, and *A to start talking to me again.
  
• I want to eliminate sexual violence.
  

Rules of the "Survivor Needs" Meme:

• Please link back to this post so people can see the origins of the meme, get ideas for their own self-care list, see who's already been tagged, and maybe we can track how far this meme goes.
• List 25 needs and five wants. Try to restrict your needs list to things that have to do with being a survivor of some sort of abuse, assault, etc. Your wants list can be anything...you want!
• Use this list to remind yourself to get your needs met this holiday season and in the New Year.
• Pass on the meme and tag people to play the meme with you.
  

Survivors I'm Tagging

• I Survive!
• The Missing Link
• Ani Star
• Leah's Life

Working on Taking Care of Myself

I've still been feeling sick to my stomach and not sleeping so hot. But, I am getting over the hump of the crying and shock. I think all in all, I'm doing a lot better.

I am a little nervous that Jerry might be reading my blog. I mentioned to him a while back that I have one and asked him to not look it up. He said at the time that he'd respect my privacy, but I don't put it past him to have looked up this blog. I think that I feel okay with it because I don't feel ashamed of anything that I'm thinking or feeling. I am somewhat tempted to take down the blog from the public feed, especially because my readership appears to have gone down, but I appreciate having it up here for people can see. I think it goes along with the quotes that you'll see in my profile (see left).

Anyway, I hung out a couple of nights ago with my neighbor. I'm making plans for another massage next Friday and to have dinner with the therapist (who has also become a friend) afterwards. I also have more tentative plans with my neighbor for probably this weekend. Tonight, I have plans to go to dinner with a classmate. All of these things are happening because I'm making a concerted effort to do things with people.

Today, I went to acupuncture. Then, I picked up tickets to go to this museum event with *A* and his girlfriend. A friend of mine saw me walking down the street and whistled, raising my confidence a bit. I also returned this book on emotional abuse that I had ordered online weeks ago and clearly no longer need. In exchange, I got a book on healthy communication, a novel, a gift for a friend. I stopped by this pastry shop and bought a snack for later - a slice of apple cake like my Oma used to make. I picked up lunch around the corner and thought to myself about how I am capable of taking care of and treating myself. I don't need Jerry to take care of me. It would've been nice to have him in my life, but I feel like I have my power back.

Now, I've got some time to get some work done, although I really am still struggling to get back in the swing of things. I'm going to try to get a bike ride in today, if even like yesterday, just up to a coffee shop to work for an hour and have a change of scenery.

What a Difference a Day Makes: Karmic Healing

Things are improving. Yesterday, I went to a meditation and restorative yoga healing workshop. It was such a wonderful break-up ritual. I made my intention for the workshop to heal from the break-up and meditated on relaxing, letting go of my pain and anger, and sending healing to Jerry. Then, I went home, walked my dog, grabbed some dinner and headed out to a spoken word performance by this very powerful woman. I met some friends there, and we all went out to a coffee shop afterwards.

I still slept like hell last night. It was a struggle to fall asleep, and then I kept waking up in the middle of the night. I finally got up at 6am (even though my alarm was set for 7:15). I went to get a lesson in zazen meditation and sit with his group. I had found out about the group last year, but never got around to going. I'm not sure if I'll want to go back...they do this whole chanting and bowing ritual that as a Jew, I'm not sure I'm totally comfortable with. And they couldn't give me any explanation as to why it is a part of their practice other than that's how the leader was taught....he suggested maybe I try a vipassana group, which follows more Tibetan followings and doesn't have the ritual stuff afterwards. I'm tempted. But, I know that its led in town by my old therapist.

Anyway, after that, I bought myself some breakfast at this place that I'd frequent with Jerry, but I went on my own and it was fine. I brought a book. I was so seriously tempted to call Jerry though the whole time. I kept thinking about wanting to negotiate with him to have a friendship with me - something...just to hear his voice and maybe see him. I was feeling desperate. My sister called me though to let me talk to my niece, which was really nice, even though she only wanted to talk with me to ask me to buy her clothes for her American Girls doll.

Then, I went and had a facial. I made an appointment yesterday on the phone with my acupuncturist, who I'll go see on Tuesday. See recommended that I go get a facial. (The acupuncturist is amazing and will help with the physical symptoms that I'm getting from the breakup - the upset stomach and insomnia PLUS she does this work where she'll have me hold on to a picture of Jerry and will help reset my body from feeling so much trauma when I think about him.) Anyway, the facial was maybe the best I've ever had - so relaxing. I laid down thinking about wanting to call Jerry and slowly my body let go of the tension and these thoughts.

She asked me if I want to have my eye brows shaped. I never would have done this before because it seems vain and a waste of money and anti-feminist. But, I figured that maybe it was fate - that I need some changes, so I said yes. It looks so good! And she put make-up on me. I thanked her for making me feel so good and told her that I had just broken up with my boyfriend. She told me that I'm beautiful and my whole life is ahead of me and not to worry about it. She talked to me about deep breathing and held my feet as I practiced, saying she was giving me chi. Anyway, it was very healing.

Outside, a man approached me and asked me for money, saying that he will go to this shelter where I volunteered last week, but that they won't have space for his family until Monday and he can't afford the hotel room. I gave him a $20 and felt good for being able to pass on this good feeling that I have and do a mitzvah.

As I got into my car, this old Jewish looking man with an odd European accent approached me and asked me to roll down my window. We had this great conversation, although at the end he started kvetching about his ex-wife. It made me think about how much Jerry and I would never work out together in the long run and how good it is that I'm leaving him now instead of later.

Right now, I feel really good. I have lots of things to fill my day today - shopping, cleaning up the house a bit, maybe having dinner with my neighbor or maybe I'll call *A* and meet him and his girlfriend, maybe going with friends to a club tonight. Tuesday, I'm having dinner with a friend and acupuncture earlier in the day. Thursday night, I'm going with *A* and his girlfriend to this spiel at the art museum. So, I've definitely gotten through the worst of it (I hope, tfu tfu). And I've got a good step at plans for this week.

The way that I got through this so far was by putting a lot of attention on taking care of myself, reaching out to a lot of people in little ways, and letting myself have permission to need some focused time just to cope.

Taking Care of Myself

I had called my therapist to talk with her about how I was feeling. And she was completely unhelpful. I just really got the sense that she was trying to get me off the phone. That kinda frustrated me, especially her advice to just handle the anxiety. I feel like when I have anxiety sometimes it is because I have anxious tendencies and I need to just deal with that but other times its pointing out something important and I need to pay attention to that.

But as I move away from reacting to her and being able to look more clearly at what's going on, I've decided to put a lot this weekend into taking care of myself. I went to acupuncture this morning, am getting a massage this afternoon, going to a movie with friends (after I made the first move). Tomorrow I'm going to buy myself a bicycle, get some exercise, get a facial, and go along with friends to a barbecue.

I've got a lot of work to do and am also trying to get a lot done so that I'll have time to be with Jerry when he returns. So much work!

And its just another week until I'm off to Kansas City to see my parents.

Reality Check: Am I On the Right Path?

Yesterday, I met with a neurologist about the migraines I've been having, which was odd because these are the doctors that focus on Alzheimer's. He ordered some blood work and gave me a sample and told me to come back next month.

Then, I went to this local owned lingerie store that was nearby to clear my head. I showed the owner/manager the dress that I bought for the wedding and asked her what she suggest that I wear under it. She showed me this bra with attachable pearl straps, which looked completely goregous on. There was another woman working at the store, and they were both like drooling over how fabulous it looked together and yes, here' s my moment of pride, how great this made my chest look.

So, when she's ringing me up, she says, "now make sure that you take the straps off when you wash it, because these are the real deal." So, they're real freshwater pearls! It cost me $225, and I was in such shock that I just handed over my credit card.

The day before, I had made an appointment in Denver to have my hair done, massage, spa day basically before the wedding since I realized that this is going to be the only thing coming close to a vacation since last January, I think.

I feel really indulgent though, like maybe I'm going off the deep end with this. I normally hate shopping, hate these kind of events, try to out of the whole mentality of ME ME ME ME. I think I'm responding to feeling overwhelmed with work and school stuff and not being taken care of any more by my parents but needing to take care of them. And, I spend a lot of my time now in sweats or jeans, so getting dressed up and feeling really sexy, it just feels good. Plus, its hard going to this wedding with *A* where clearly everyone's going to be asking about our relationship and he's already warned me that he'll be blowing me off while we're there.

But, maybe I really need to return the dress and the bra and cancel the spa appointment and start being more "myself" - being low key, not spending a lot of money, not caring about how I look or what I wear. I feel really over indulgent to the point of selfish and kinda guilty about spending so much money on frivolous things. Maybe I need to find better ways to take care of myself? Maybe this is the voice of my father in my head and its worth it? I don't know; what do you think?

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