Too Hard to Swallow

I called my dad this morning while walking my dog. He told me that Mom is having a hard time swallowing pills these days; she just chews on them. So she's being moved to liquid medications for Ativan (which she takes to reduce seizures) a stool softener, and pain medication. She's being taken off Namenda and vitamins. Its a turn in the road from trying to extend her life to just making her comfortable.

Also, Mom's been having more seizures, so her Ativan is being increased which potentially means that she'll be sleeping more during the day and be more drowsy and out of it. At the same time, she's losing her ability to walk and get around. Pretty soon she'll be bed-ridden.

Last night, I had this great first date, walking on the beach with a guy who is an environmentalist and massage therapist for a living, plays music for fun, has a daughter that he is dedicated to, cares about politics, and just seems all around fantastic. Of course, my sense is that he's not AT ALL into me.

I went to the allergist today. I figure that if the migraines I get are triggered by food than perhaps that means I have food allergies. So, I got skin tested and found out that I'm allergic to WHEAT!!! Oy! There's wheat in EVERYTHING including, of course, matzah. So I'm charged with eliminating wheat completely from my diet for a month and then re-evaluate. I might be able to deal with the small amounts of wheat in processed foods at that point.

But, despite all of this, I'm actually in good spirits when I'm not mourning the above. I just completed my dissertation proposal (which tomorrow will be off to my committee for comments and revisions). It feels very good to be home. I attended a fantastic women's (mostly lesbian) seder two nights ago. And I'm appreciating that I DO have some really fantastic local friends - - Alena and Tara, Linda and Leslie, Jennifer, and Tonya. And I am very lucky to be in the situation that I'm in with my research team and excited to be coming to the last leg of my degree.

Emotionally Withdrawn Jerry: Another Fight

Jerry has been wanting to go camping at these hot springs ever since we started dating, but the timing never works out. So when my book club got rescheduled for today, I suggested that we take advantage and go. He was futzing around with some friends at a local brewery, so I stopped by at his request. When I mentioned that if we're camping we should get in gear, he sort of made fun of me in front of his friends for yapping. I figured that we wouldn't go. But finally an hour later - like around 6pm, he says that he wants to go.

So I run home to throw some stuff together and take my dog to the doggie sitter's. I get to Jerry's house at 6:45, and he's sitting in the living room chatting with his roommate. I tell him that we gotta go, but he sort of putzes around some more commenting about how I'm nagging or something. Its an hour and a half drive, he says, and I really don't want to get there before dark.

Still, then he says that we need to pick up a pass and some food before we go. We arrive as the sun is setting and because some of the camp sites are closed, we end up driving in the dark. When we find an open camp site, I suggest that we make camp and find our way to the springs in the morning, but Jerry insists on keeping driving and then hiking to where he says he thinks the springs are. He gives me a flashlight, tells me to grab my towel and put away my sweatshirt and we go.

I'm cold and not feeling comfortable hiking in the dark somewhere I've never been before. I suggest to Jerry that we make a time to go back if we don't find anything - because we've brought no water, I'm cold, and it doesn't seem like we even know where we're going. We finally arrive to the end of the road, and there's no visible path. We stumble along, my following Jerry. I tell Jerry that I'm uncomfortable, but he's like not really hearing me; he's determined to get to the springs, which we can now hear.

So he goes off by himself for awhile. I hear this squeaky noise like a rat or something and just really freaked out that I don't know where I am, its dark, and I'm just feeling really powerless. So, I sit down and have a little cry.

Jerry comes back and leads me to the springs. Jerry apologizes for me getting scared, but kinda in a laughing at me sort of way. As I get into the springs, he goes off again to relieve himself, and I'm sitting naked in the springs (which are too hot to really sit in). When he returns, I try to make everything be okay and come over to him and kiss him. But everything feels awkward and just wrong. I get out and just start to really cry. I look up at the sky and think about how powerless I am with what's happening with Mom. Feeling powerless before just tapped into my feeling powerless about everything.

Jerry asks me what's wrong, and finally I tell him, after a little prodding. He doesn't really respond at all and then like tries to lightly change the topic of conversation. I'm feeling so put off at this point, that I get dressed and walk back to the road by myself, just taking some time to put myself together.

When Jerry gets back, he's now angry for leaving him. He asks me what's wrong, and I tell him that he seems to freak out whenever I get emotional. He says that this is how he always is and why is it a big deal all of a sudden. After being really ready for him to just hold me for awhile, he basically says that he can't deal with anything emotional. He doesn't say why or that this doesn't mean that he doesn't care about me or ANYTHING. He seems annoyed with me too, and we walk back mostly in silence.

As we put up the tent, he is barking orders at me and telling me that I'm doing things wrong. Then, when he gets in the tent, he just passes out asleep. So, I'm left there feeling emotional, hurt, and really lonely.

We kinda fought a little more this morning again. He kept barking orders at me, telling me I'm dong things wrong, and then expecting me to be having a good time. On the car ride back, he told me that he's annoyed with me for choosing to fight on the camping trip. I told him that I didn't choose to get sad. I don't even know what all was said. All I know is that I feel like he doesn't really care about me, like he's closed off emotionally, and like I'm supposed to be pretending....I don't know what the hell is going on, just that its all off.

Shopping at Macy's: I Miss My Mom

Jerry schleped me along with him to Macy's tonight for this crazy sale. (They were practically giving some of this stuff away!) All of a sudden, it hit me: I miss my mom. Mom would always take me shopping for clothes; I've rarely done any clothing shopping (outside of when I lived in Israel) that wasn't with my mom. She would tell me what looked good on me and buy me things, and it was just always this special thing between us and maybe sometimes my sister too. Since Mom got into these later stages of Alzheimer's, I've done almost no clothing shopping (except for her and when I bought this dress last year for a friend's wedding). I don't think that I'll go again for a long while, and not just because I don't have money to spend on clothes. It is just too strong of a reminder that I don't have my mom in my life anymore, at least not like she used to be. And I'll never have that. We'll never go shopping again like we used to. Ever.

She was alwasy so good to me, and I don't think that I ever fully appreciated her.

Daze, Desires, and a Date

I went this morning to meet with someone from Hospice about getting into one of their support groups. I had been a bit nervous because when I called months ago, I was told to wait until my grandmother dies, and I was nervous that they would say that its not enough of a loss or something. But, it felt good to be able to just talk openly about the grief issues and not have to worry about being positive...I could just be as I am. The next meeting is tomorrow during a conference call for work, so I'll wait until February.

I'm finding myself really tempted to call Kathy. I know that I shouldn't, but I just want to understand what happened. I'm worried that maybe I did something wrong or I'm in a negative pattern, and I wish that she would just tell me.

I also haven't heard from my cousins who live an hour North of me. I sent an email last week checking in and to plan our next visit. I fear that now that Grandma's passed and my aunt has bad mouthed me that they don't want anything more to do with me.

I had a first date or a pre-date last night, and I think that it went well, but we didn't make definite plans. I think I'll email him tomorrow. I'm so bad at dating!

I'm still having a VERY hard time getting work done. I did manage to finish coding one transcript yesterday, but I am SO far behind. I'm also SO close. My heart just isn't here anymore. I'm thinking more and more about going back to Kansas City to be with Mom, even though I fear that I'd get way too emeshed in my family dynamics and I would miss my home here. I even went online to search graduate programs in the area, even looking into switching to counseling pscyhology. I don't even know what I want to do. I just know that I want to spend as much time with possible with my Mom.

Link

Riding the Rollercoaster

My emotions have just been all over the place the last few days. I'll feel great and laugh and a few minutes later start crying. I have no energy at all to work and am having trouble concentrating. I am clearly in the midst of some serious grief work compounded by PTSD.

I'm really struggling with the image of the last time that I saw Grandma. She struggled so much with the disease, and it stole her dignity, which was something highly precious to her. I feel so guilty and helpless that I couldn't do anything to stop it from happening. And, I so desperately don't want it to happen to Mom.

Mom doesn't have a bladder infection after all, but the urine test did show a high blood cell count, which I think means that something is going on. I called Dad back with the suggestion to get her some cranberry. I am having a hard time letting go of all of these little details with Mom and switching gears back to my life here. Part of me really doesn't want to switch gears, and I'm thinking increasingly about moving back to Kansas City for awhile to be able to spend more time with her and help out taking care of her.

Tomorrow night is the Alzheimer's Association showing of "The Notebook." I told *A* that he doesn't have to come with, as there are games on that he wants to watch and the seats are really uncomfortable at the theatre, and we don't have aisle seats. Now, I'm not quite sure what to do with it though: Should I go alone? Should I not go at all? Who could I get to go with me? The whole thing hits this very vulnerable spot - a movie about Alzheimer's and a romantic friendship. Plus, I've just had Kathy tell me that I expect too much of friends, which hits my low self-esteem, so now I wary of asking for things from friends. Anyway, now I've made too much of a deal of it with *A*, and I've brought up all of these issues that I don't want to deal with.

Things aren't all bad and complicated with me though. I had a nice time last night at services with this couple that I know from school. My home is starting to come back together. I connected with my neighbors last night, who hinted that they might be willing to watch my dog next time I leave town. Tonight, I have plans to go to a movie with a friend from school and then maybe to hang out at a coffee shop. Yesterday, I had lunch with *A*, acupunture, and a massage.

I guess my point is, I'm feeling like Mom says she's feeling: "I've got my ups and downs."

I'm Not Broken

Well, the anxiety did get a bit intense today, but I let myself feel it and tried to do nice things for myself, and I got through it. As night came, I had a faucet of tears, which turns out are more now about Mom and Grandma than about PTSD. I read this book about grief and cried until I felt done. Then, I put on "Five Pennies" starring my favorites Danny Kaye and Louie Armstrong and poured myself a conac that I bought for myself today at Trader Joe's and snuggled with my dog. Despite all of the pressure and stresses in my life, I am moving past the events of 10 years ago.

p.s. I tried to call Mom tonight to tell her goodnight, but the care manager told me that Mom was asleep, even though I called 20 minutes before her earliest bedtime (we gave them an hour range).

PTSD Covering Grief

Dealing with my aunt, being hypervigilant about Mom in order to get her through the mourning activities, and the experience with my family altogether is triggering my PTSD. There's no one that I can trust or count on here - not even necessarily my close friends. I feel my heart pounding all the time; I can't concentrate; I cry when I'm in the car alone; I can't enjoy anything, not even playing with my niece.

I have no where to grieve. I'm running around between Mom's place and bringing her all over town. I don't understand what's happening with my family, not sure who to trust, who to believe. All I know is that everyone is fighting and lying, and I just want the hell out of here but I'm stuck for 3 more weeks, and Mom needs me.