10 Year Anniversary

Ten years ago today, I moved to Israel. That first night, I was raped by my friend, Dan Seltzer, at his parents' home while I slept. For years, this date has tormented me. I would spend days, weeks, or even months before it going through the details of what happened trying to figure out some way to stop it.

Last year was the first year that I managed to reclaim the anniversary. I went to Esalen for a workshop over New Year's and had a brilliantly magical affair and relaxed. I've worried though that due to the traumas of the past year, that the annivesary would once again hit me hard. But, so far so good. I do feel a bit of underlying anxiety, which I'm going to try to manage with my Stresser and by taking it easy today, still working but at an easy pace. I have SO much work to do that it could be overwhelming, but I'm just going to keep my focus today on trying to get through the day in the healthiest way possible. I'm having a hard time concentrating on my work (job work I mean), and I haven't even dealved into getting back into thesis work.

It is especially hard for me this year that Kathy's friendship is suddenly gone. She was someone that I would really lean on in times like this. I don't feel like there's anyone here (other than my therapist) that I can really talk to about this stuff here, and so I'm going to spend the night at home. Part of me wants to ask *A* to come over tonight and maybe even spend the night, but more of me wants to not ask too much of our friendship. *A* brought dinner over last night and on Sunday will accompany me to "The Notebook" being presented by the Alzheimer's Association.

Part of me wants to go out and do something tonight as if this is just a regular night. But, I think its probably important for me to recognize what's happened and what I'm going through, and to honor this, to give myself time to feel the sadness, grief, and anguish.

I am glad that I'm back at home to have some space to deal with tonight. But, I miss my neice and nephew, my dad, and especially my Mom. Part of me wants to, after I finish the stupid thesis, just move back to Kansas City for awhile and spend as much time as possible with my family. Another part of me loves California and the distance from the unhealthy dynanmics of my family. I'm certainly not going to decide anything tonight; I'm just going to give space for all of the things I'm feeling.