Finding the Easy Path: Cancelled My Date

I have been freaking out about my date tonight. First, she wanted to pick me up (at my Dad's house), and I didn't want to make a big deal about my father not knowing that I'm out, but I also started fretting about her giving off signals that we're on a date and my father freaking out.

Also, she wanted to pick me up at 10:30pm. I negotiated 10pm, but this still would mean me seriously vearing off of my sleep schedule. She sounded wierded out when I said that I don't normally go out late. She said: "well during the week...." I used to be overly open about not being able to sleep well because of having been raped when I was sleeping, but now I'm trying to not talk about that during early dating stages. But sleep for me is a major issue: I want to try soon to get off the medication I take to sleep, I practice cognitive behavioral therapy to help me sleep, its hard to sleep in at Dad's because he's up early, changes in sleep patterns triggers migraines, and it affects my overall health. For years, falling asleep was horribly triggering, and I've suffered from insomnia since the rape but which when I try hard, I can manage well.

I spoke with the issue with my therapist today, which meant coming out. She suggested that I take a step back and try to view the issue from the bigger picture and try to make the situation easier for myself. She said that dealing with coming out to my dad right now is too much, and suggested that dating is a process of dealing with some of my issues - control/lack of control over my life, figuring out what I want out of life, family stuff, etc. So, I don't need to fret about doing it perfectly now; I should try to make it easy on myself while still allowing myself to grow.

I spent the day with Mom and my sister and her family, and I'm exhausted. I got back shortly after 7pm, and just don't even have the energy to shower. Plus, if I went downtown, I would be stuck there until pretty late since I'm a good 30+ minutes away. And around here, there certainly aren't any gay bars. And tomorrow is my last day here - I need to pack, spend more time with Mom, and gear up for next quarter.

Anyway, I called the date and cancelled, claiming that I have a massive migraine and need to take an Imitrex and pass out (which was true two days ago). I feel massively lame. This isn't the first time that sleep issues have interfered with dating. I also know that the dad issue is seriously affecting me dating women - because I fear what he would think, and it just makes the whole thing seem not worth it. I don't like how this went at all. But, I am recognizing my limitations and that this month has been horrendous, so I'm going to give myself permission to take the easy road.

I asked her if I can call her the next time that I come to town, and she said of course, and that she isn't at all mad, which I hope is true. I hate not being able to be the person that I'd like to be - who can just go out on a normal date. But, I also realize now that I can't force this sort of thing on myself. I have to take a slower and easier road. I still have a goal of going out more and connecting more with others and dating, but I need to find ways to do it on my own terms and to be forgiving of my limitations. I'm going to watch a DVD of a lecture with the Dali Lama, have a drink, maybe start packing, and not feel bad that I put spending time with my family above the date.