JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Finding the Easy Path: Cancelled My Date

I have been freaking out about my date tonight. First, she wanted to pick me up (at my Dad's house), and I didn't want to make a big deal about my father not knowing that I'm out, but I also started fretting about her giving off signals that we're on a date and my father freaking out.

Also, she wanted to pick me up at 10:30pm. I negotiated 10pm, but this still would mean me seriously vearing off of my sleep schedule. She sounded wierded out when I said that I don't normally go out late. She said: "well during the week...." I used to be overly open about not being able to sleep well because of having been raped when I was sleeping, but now I'm trying to not talk about that during early dating stages. But sleep for me is a major issue: I want to try soon to get off the medication I take to sleep, I practice cognitive behavioral therapy to help me sleep, its hard to sleep in at Dad's because he's up early, changes in sleep patterns triggers migraines, and it affects my overall health. For years, falling asleep was horribly triggering, and I've suffered from insomnia since the rape but which when I try hard, I can manage well.

I spoke with the issue with my therapist today, which meant coming out. She suggested that I take a step back and try to view the issue from the bigger picture and try to make the situation easier for myself. She said that dealing with coming out to my dad right now is too much, and suggested that dating is a process of dealing with some of my issues - control/lack of control over my life, figuring out what I want out of life, family stuff, etc. So, I don't need to fret about doing it perfectly now; I should try to make it easy on myself while still allowing myself to grow.

I spent the day with Mom and my sister and her family, and I'm exhausted. I got back shortly after 7pm, and just don't even have the energy to shower. Plus, if I went downtown, I would be stuck there until pretty late since I'm a good 30+ minutes away. And around here, there certainly aren't any gay bars. And tomorrow is my last day here - I need to pack, spend more time with Mom, and gear up for next quarter.

Anyway, I called the date and cancelled, claiming that I have a massive migraine and need to take an Imitrex and pass out (which was true two days ago). I feel massively lame. This isn't the first time that sleep issues have interfered with dating. I also know that the dad issue is seriously affecting me dating women - because I fear what he would think, and it just makes the whole thing seem not worth it. I don't like how this went at all. But, I am recognizing my limitations and that this month has been horrendous, so I'm going to give myself permission to take the easy road.

I asked her if I can call her the next time that I come to town, and she said of course, and that she isn't at all mad, which I hope is true. I hate not being able to be the person that I'd like to be - who can just go out on a normal date. But, I also realize now that I can't force this sort of thing on myself. I have to take a slower and easier road. I still have a goal of going out more and connecting more with others and dating, but I need to find ways to do it on my own terms and to be forgiving of my limitations. I'm going to watch a DVD of a lecture with the Dali Lama, have a drink, maybe start packing, and not feel bad that I put spending time with my family above the date.

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2 Comments:

Blogger Gail Rae said...

Here's the ticket, Karma (at least this is what I think): You are absolutely right that you need to worry less about how others define such circumstances as sleep needs, personal time needs, etc., and just do what you know is right for you. If you keep making the kinds of personal sacrifices you're making in order to bring people into your life, you are going to consistently bring the wrong people into your life.
Take heart, though, Karma, you are not alone in this. We all have a learning curve to bear in this area...and we all think we're on the wrong end, especially at your age (oooh...I know, I winced at that, too, oh well).
Finally, sometimes you don't need to explain your limitations, sometimes all you need to do is live by them and allow others to notice them on their own.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 1:29:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Wow, it is actually really good timing that you are making that comment now...because here it is two months laster and I'm doing exactly the same thing, worrying about how others will react to my needs.

You're getting at another thing that I also tend to do in relationships - I try to explain my limitations and then expect the other person to take care of me in these regards when I need to not give up the responsibility of having to take care of myself.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 9:59:00 AM  

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