JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

More Healing Steps

Yesterday, I got a massage again, and it was this amazing experience. All of a sudden, there is this huge shift this week, and my back is starting to feel different, better. The therapist noted that the muscles all used to be attached together, and now its the first time that she can easily feel the space between the muscle. I really feel like I'm all of sudden moving forward.

Last night, I went to guided meditation again at the Buddhist Center. I was the ONLY person who showed up, but I didn't mind because this just meant a more intimate setting. I did mind, however, when the leader told me that the meditation was going to be on death in order to try to put the fear of death into me so that I would appreciate my life more. She went on and on about how death can be a painful experience to go through and that I or someone that I love could die tomorrow. She kinda lectures at the beginning and participants aren't supposed to talk. But, finally, I stopped her and told her that I was NOT interested in doing that because I've got more than enough sense of death in my life and that my current path is to focus more on appreciating life. She kept trying to like argue with me about it, until finally she said, okay, we're running out of time, let's just meditation on sending people love.

I still felt really relaxed when I left there, but I don't think that I'm going back there anymore. They are very dogmatic, and some of the principles they preach don't seem to go along with the Buddhist books that I'm reading and connecting with. Maybe I'll try going back to shul again on Friday nights or maybe Hillel or something.

From the Buddhist Center, I went to my friends' place for game night. There were two other couples there that I didn't know, and I felt a little odd being the only single person, but it was a nice change from sitting at home or having to worry about how I'd spend the rest of Friday.

Today, I'm going to spend the day working on my thesis. Its raining outside, so that might actually help by limiting distractions. Then, I've got a date again with Jerry, which I am REALLY looking forward to. Z still hasn't contacted me again, which I think is a sign that he's not interested in anything more than a fling. I wish that he would have just been more open about what he wanted instead of getting my hopes up. If I don't hear from him by next week, I think that I may call, tell him my email address, and set the boundary of no flings - if he wants something more that I'm open to that but not to mess around with me. And, I'm going to go to my date with Jerry without feeling like there's something holding me back...at least not this.

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5 Comments:

Blogger Jerusalem Joe said...

coercion and meditation are not a healthy mix.
I would never dream of leading meditation in such a manner.

Sunday, January 28, 2007 12:38:00 AM  
Blogger tafka PP said...

Enjoy the date. Sounds like just the tonic you need right now...

Sunday, January 28, 2007 12:40:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Ah yes, the date really was.

And, I guess it is surprising that even Buddhism can be dogmatic with some people.

Sunday, January 28, 2007 8:30:00 AM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

Yeow, Karma! It sounds like you're owning yourself! Hurrah for talking back to the Buddhist and putting Z to the side, where he is, until he shows you he's considering entering your river!

I feel very optimistic for you, at this moment.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 10:39:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thank you! I can feel that and it makes me feel stronger.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 10:42:00 AM  

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