JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

A Vent and an Update

Augh! I'm so frustrated with *A*. And yes, I do realize that for some reason all of my emotions are super intense recently. But, I spoke about with my therapist how I struggle with having really close relationships with people because I always learned from my family not to trust and that even they, the closest people to me, would eventually hurt me.

Anyway, so I had planned my acupunture appointment around a good time to meet *A* for lunch. He can only go at 1pm. And, then all of a sudden today, he gets a call from Jeff, his close friend who had been blowing him off in a Kathy/my cousins sort of way. So, I told him to go ahead and meet with Jeff instead since I know *A* really wants to resolve that. But then he got all cranky with me about how he needs to get his mail and maybe he'll stop by tonight. But, tonight I have friends come over to watch the Gilmore Girls - its like the only night that doesn't work for me all week. And then he says something about well he needs his mail and he's going to get post office box. His annoyed tone just really got on my nerves because I'm doing him a favor by collecting his mail here. Usually, I go downtown to give it to him - either by meeting him for lunch or something. And he's the one who has been too busy constantly to see me, mostly watching sports at the bar.

Anyway, I just had to get that out. I had a really nice date last night, but I feel somewhat nervous about the whole thing because I feel so incapable of having a relationship. And now, after my therapist talked to me about how maybe my problem is choosing the wrong people to get close to, I'm nervous that I'm connecting with the wrong guy already. Although, when I'm with him, I'm generally fine and can let that go.

I wasted all this time this morning on the phone with my bank because I can't get their software to work. I didn't get any work done yesterday. GRRRRR. Good thing that I'm going to acupunture now. That always makes me feel better.

I did get to talk to Mom on the phone briefly. My sister says that she remembers my name more than hers. Mom always asks me when she can see me, and it breaks my heart. She's starting to struggle a bit making sentences.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

1. Have you ever had, or have you considered having a hormonal work-up to see if you are also laboring under an as yet undetected hormonal imbalance?
2. Graciously supporting *A's* determination to get a P.O. box would be one way of letting go and letting be, in this circumstance. It might do both of you and your friendship with each other good.
3. After having listened to your interview with your mother and read your last paragraph here, I'm getting a clearer idea of what Alzheimer's can do to people and how quickly it closes its grip. Wow. Thank you for your detail on this. It's illuminating for me.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 10:30:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Well because Mom has early onset, it supposedly moves faster. I think now she may be forgetting me even.

I don't remember if I posted on this later, but it turns out that the birth control that I was one was messing up my hormones. So, now that I'm off, supposedly they've gone back to normal. But, I'm still taking evening primrose just to help my body adjust back.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 10:41:00 AM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

I LOVE herbal supplements for controlling hormones. Evening primrose is a good one. So is Black Cohosh...and it's not just for menopause. When I was deciding whether to use it, the research I pulled on it said that it is often used on teenage women whose periods haven't yet settled into a routine, or for those who can't seem to get their periods to settle. Not that I'm suggesting you try it...I don't know if it would be appropriate for you. I'm just reveling in the amazing abilities of supplements over pharmaceuticals.

Sunday, February 11, 2007 10:32:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

My friend used Black Cohosh to induce pregnancy, but it also may have contributed to her having a problem with bleeding. According to the doctor, I'm actually fine now that I'm off the birth control, but I'll keep this herb in mind if I need some more support. I'm just taking the Evening Primose just to be support my system getting used to not being on hormones. Thanks for the idea Gail.

Monday, February 12, 2007 3:18:00 PM  

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