Relax As It Is

I'm reading this book "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron, in part because of a push by Joe to start thinking more, in particular on this blog, about the Bu part of my Jewbu Quest.

Here's a quote from the book that really struck a cord with me:

"When things fall apart and we're on the verge of we know not what, the test for each of us is to stay on that brink and not concretize (11)."

I think one of my problems in the past has been a desire to quickly concretize and figure out what happened and what it means for my future. In the process of analyzing the future and the past effects, I don't just sit in the moment and feel. And, this is the goal, I think, to just sit with whatever comes and feel whatever emotions come, and then let them go. Nothing is permanent. Everything is temporary. And pain is inevitable. So the only thing to do is just feel it, but don't get lost it in, and then let it go. I have to find some way to feel the pain, and then by recognizing that it is temporary, find some way to move my focus to the things in the world that bring me happiness and joy.

Sounds blissful right? Okay, it worked for me for about half a day, and then I get a message from my dad that Z called him looking for me. [If you don't remember the story of Z, you can catch up here, here, here, and here.] But, don't bother looking back, here's the scoop. I finally start dating a guy here that doesn't fit the image of who I'm looking for (isn't Jewish, isn't radical Leftist, isn't Israeli, not spiritual) but who I have a great time with and who makes me laugh. And, I'm finally feeling a bit more grounded the last couple of days. And, now here comes this guy that I've idealized for over 10 years and who does fit that image of the ideal mate, and all of a sudden I feel ungrounded and anxious again.

So what's the lesson? What's the path? I think what I need to do is to not fight the anxiety, but to recognize that whatever place I'm in right now is temporary, and whether or not I actually talk to Z and something between us happens, I need to focus on each moment AND FINISHING MY THESIS SO I CAN FINALLY get my MA. Grr, did you notice that I'm struggling with that. Anyway, I can still enjoy a date Saturday and not let myself get lost in thinking too much about Z. Okay, glad I got that out. Now back to thesis writing.