JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Relax As It Is

I'm reading this book "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron, in part because of a push by Joe to start thinking more, in particular on this blog, about the Bu part of my Jewbu Quest.

Here's a quote from the book that really struck a cord with me:

"When things fall apart and we're on the verge of we know not what, the test for each of us is to stay on that brink and not concretize (11)."

I think one of my problems in the past has been a desire to quickly concretize and figure out what happened and what it means for my future. In the process of analyzing the future and the past effects, I don't just sit in the moment and feel. And, this is the goal, I think, to just sit with whatever comes and feel whatever emotions come, and then let them go. Nothing is permanent. Everything is temporary. And pain is inevitable. So the only thing to do is just feel it, but don't get lost it in, and then let it go. I have to find some way to feel the pain, and then by recognizing that it is temporary, find some way to move my focus to the things in the world that bring me happiness and joy.

Sounds blissful right? Okay, it worked for me for about half a day, and then I get a message from my dad that Z called him looking for me. [If you don't remember the story of Z, you can catch up here, here, here, and here.] But, don't bother looking back, here's the scoop. I finally start dating a guy here that doesn't fit the image of who I'm looking for (isn't Jewish, isn't radical Leftist, isn't Israeli, not spiritual) but who I have a great time with and who makes me laugh. And, I'm finally feeling a bit more grounded the last couple of days. And, now here comes this guy that I've idealized for over 10 years and who does fit that image of the ideal mate, and all of a sudden I feel ungrounded and anxious again.

So what's the lesson? What's the path? I think what I need to do is to not fight the anxiety, but to recognize that whatever place I'm in right now is temporary, and whether or not I actually talk to Z and something between us happens, I need to focus on each moment AND FINISHING MY THESIS SO I CAN FINALLY get my MA. Grr, did you notice that I'm struggling with that. Anyway, I can still enjoy a date Saturday and not let myself get lost in thinking too much about Z. Okay, glad I got that out. Now back to thesis writing.

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5 Comments:

Blogger Jerusalem Joe said...

Thanks for indulging me.
Does the book tell you how to stay on the brink and not get stuck?

Friday, January 26, 2007 4:21:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

She says that most people when they are faced with being on the brink tend to dissociate or avoid what they're feeling - finding distractions or creating addictions to things like food, alcohol, etc.

She suggests meditation and provides instruction for several different forms. In general, the goal is just to sit with whatever comes.

Even as I write this though, I still fear getting stuck, or more specifically, getting lost in these possibilities in the future. But, I'm going to try this and see what comes.

Friday, January 26, 2007 9:18:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

And its not about indulging you....this is good for me. Thanks for the push.

Friday, January 26, 2007 9:55:00 AM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

Z's not there. The guy who makes you laugh and with whom you have a great time is. Stay with the river you're in, rather than crawling out and finding the river in which you think you should be. They all lead to the same place, so you may as well make it a bit easier on yourself.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 10:33:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Yes, yes.....let's just hope that this river isn't going to dry up on me tonight again.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 10:39:00 AM  

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