JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Doing a Little Better

What a freakin hellish week this has been! But, I'm doing a little better. In part, honestly, because a part of me has just shut down. I think that I just cut myself off from my feelings and am now letting them come back little by little. This is a really hard thing to have to do on my own, so I'm trying to make use of whatever space that I can find to deal with it, and to still push myself to go out and connect with others and not have this be a barrier to that.

I've gotten a little work done, but I'm having to really push myself. And, I'm making mistakes left and right. I made a huge mistake in October that's coming out. I called my therapist, and she suggested that I just quit the job. That kinda annoyed me because it reflects that she doesn't see how much I have invested there and the kinds of opportunities (including to complete my degree and do it from Kansas City) that it might be offering me. I think she's been a bit off for a couple of days, and I'm not sure how to approach talking about it with her because I've got so much stuff to talk about in our sessions and try to deal with as is. Plus, clearly I'm off these days so who am I to talk?

I had tried to make plans for the weekend, but nothing seemed to work out so far. Last night, I could have had a date, although I wouldn't have been up for it, and had intended to go to friends' who had told me they were going to host a game night. They called me Friday and told me that they were going to hold off for another week or so. So, I went to this Buddhist center for some guided meditation. It was a little too ideological for me, with a big emphasis that night on how we're better than animals and we have to work hard to not reincarnate into one. But, I just let that part go and focused on the parts that I connected to. The most helpful part of it was when we were told to focus on breathing out everything that's stressing us out, picturing it as black smoke that would dissipate quickly. Then, we imagine breathing in white light that would fill our bodies.

I tried to wish for happiness for my aunt and to have compassion for her. It was difficult, but somewhat healing. I cried a little bit, but I think it will be good to get rid of this anger and bad feelings.

Tonight, I had thought the date would be, but he could only do Friday apparently, so I guess that I'm going to be home alone. But, maybe that's good because I really need some time to just sit with my feelings and let myself cry.

Just to make things more interesting and random, this morning I woke up to a horrid stench of skunk. When I opened the doors to outside, I didn't notice the smell outside. So, I started to worry that the skunk was in my attic. I started calling around, but couldn't get anyone to answer the phone. Then, an hour later a woman from animal control knocks on my door and tells me to put my dog on the patio. She looks around as I tell her the story, and she says that probably the skunk just got in a fight with a cat on the roof and sprayed near the vent. However, if the smell comes back, then the skunk is in the attic, but I'm probably okay.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

I'm smiling about the skunk thing...skunks are all over the place's sort of like, all this, and then skunks, too...funny that you relate this in the same post in which you talk about the curious guided meditation at the Buddhist center where they talked about how we're better than animals. Sounds like maybe the animal kingdom is trying to correct the Buddhists!

Saturday, February 10, 2007 10:10:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...


Saturday, February 10, 2007 10:21:00 AM  

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